All Our Yesterdays
by TashaLaw
Summary: When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed? AU
1. The Return

**Title**: All Our Yesterdays

**Summary**: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?

**Warning**: I like angst. A lot. Fair warning. (I also like happy endings.)

**A/N**: This is a multi-part alternate universe story, probably 5 or 6 chapters, which I plan to update every couple of days. Flashbacks are in italics. Diverging from current TV story arc sometime mid-season before 47 Seconds, The Limey, Headhunters, etc. Reviews are always appreciated.

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Return**

Two years.

It had been two years since she had been inside this building. Two years since she had made eye contact with the doorman and informed him of whose apartment she was visiting. Of course, after two years, it surprised her that the man even remembered her. But remember her he did – she could tell by how quickly his eyebrows shot up in obvious surprise at her appearance. But the doorman demonstrated his professionalism by merely stating, in halting but firm words, "Good evening, detective. How good to see you again."

"Good evening," Kate responded. She wished she could remember his name, but it would not come to mind. She was already nervous enough. She hadn't anticipated him remembering her, had already composed her explanation for herself and for her sudden appearance.

"Shall I ring Mr. Castle and tell him you are on your way up?" he asked, breaking her concentration. His hand was already reaching towards the phone to make the call. But his question presented an opportunity to delay the inevitable confrontation she was hurtling towards, and she seized on it.

"Um… no, I think I'll just knock," she answered. Better to have this particular reunion upstairs in his loft rather than in the lobby of his building. Less chance of press or paparazzi as well. The last thing she wanted was to cause Castle negative publicity.

As Kate found herself in the elevator moments later, she half regretted the decision. Her stomach flipped somersaults as though she were on a rollercoaster – fear, anticipation, and longing all mixed together in a dizzying frenzy. The pain in her abdomen did not help as it throbbed in time with her heartbeat; the painkillers they had given her at the hospital had worn off hours ago and she could feel the pull of the sutures as she moved.

All too quickly, the elevator arrived at his floor. Kate took a deep breath as she stepped out and turned towards his door, unsure what she would find when it was opened. How would he react to seeing her again after being gone for so long? She knew he would be angry, had already accepted his fury as a given. But would he be happy to see her? Would his rage at her leaving give way to delight at having her back?

She brushed aside such thoughts, already resolved to take the worst of it. While Castle had been uninformed of her whereabouts for the last two years, she had kept tabs on him. Her disappearance had been difficult on him, she knew. He had even tried to find her, spending far too much money in pursuit of her. But she hadn't allowed him to succeed in that endeavor. No matter how much she wanted to see him, the cost was too great.

Having reached his door, Kate tentatively reached a hand up to knock, but she paused, giving herself just a handful of seconds to pull herself together. But she was interrupted before she could complete the task. The door flew open in front of her, the suddenness of it causing her to jump in surprise.

"-more than fashionably late…" She heard Castle's voice a millisecond before she was face-to-face with him, obviously on his way out. A woman in an evening dress trailed a step behind him, almost bumping into him as he stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Kate Beckett at his threshold.

For a moment, time stopped as they laid eyes on each other.

She could only imagine what reaction showed on her face as she saw him, dressed in a tuxedo for some event or another. He looked the same as she remembered. He had a few more lines around his eyes, perhaps a few more gray hairs, and he had definitely lost some weight. But otherwise, he was exactly the same, the same Rick Castle she remembered, who had starred in her dreams and nightmares for the past two years.

Whatever emotions she betrayed, she was not privy to the same display from him. The sight of her turned his countenance into a stone mask as he stared at her, long and hard. The absolute lack of emotion made Kate wonder if she had changed so much he did not even recognize her… but no, he did. She could see it in his eyes, the way his pupils widened involuntarily, as though attempting to take in the entirety of her in one look.

While his face betrayed nothing, his voice faltered as he uttered a quiet, "Kate."

"Castle," she breathed in response. It came out unconsciously, although she had planned to call him by his first name. But the surname was more comfortable on her tongue, and it was how she usually thought of him in her mind.

"What… what are you doing here?" he stumbled, only his voice showing how shaken he was by her appearance. The woman beside him shifted uncomfortably, clearly recognizing the awkwardness of this scene and her sudden shift in casting from possible leading lady to exit stage left.

For all Kate had imagined seeing him again, for all she had fantasized and rehearsed what she would say, what she would do… it all abandoned her in that instant. She could barely remain standing let alone make an account of herself. But something needed to be said, and she found herself blundering through it. "I found him. He's dead, Castle. That's all I… I mean… I wanted to tell you…"

The woman beside him – presumably Castle's date for the evening – cleared her throat dramatically, as if to remind him of their lateness to whatever function they were on their way to attend.

But Castle seemed not to even hear her, merely repeating, "He's dead?"

Kate nodded, not trusting her voice.

"When… I mean, how long...?" Kate felt better seeing him at the same loss for words, although his clear discomfort at her appearance tore at her insides. She hadn't anticipated finding him with company and on his way out. She did not know the woman he was with although she had seen a couple of pictures of them together in the paper over the last few months. She had suspected them to be just friends, but perhaps the two of them were more? Perhaps the rumors were true and he had finally gotten over her…

She had no right to barge back into his life, she knew. It was a necessary cruelty, but not one she had to thrust on him at such an inconvenient time.

"Look, you're on your way out," Kate acknowledged. "I shouldn't have come by unannounced. I can come back tomorrow, if you want…"

As if to emphasize her point, she took a step back. Giving him a night to get used to seeing her again (and herself a few hours to re-rehearse what to say) would surely be a benefit for them both. Besides, the situation had worked her into such a panic that she had to forcefully suppress a fight or flight response. She had always been good at running way.

"No!" Castle responded almost instantly, springing forward to grasp her hand as though she might dissolve right before his eyes. Recovering at the feel of her fingers in his own, he said firmly, "You're not going anywhere."

The next few minutes were a scattering of sounds and images as he brought her into the loft. Castle's date had been dismissed into the kitchen without even an introduction while he escorted Kate to his office. He only let go of her hand when he had firmly closed the door behind them and stood guard between her and it. Everything in his office looked the same as when she had been here last. Little had changed except perhaps the man standing before her, waiting impatiently for an explanation.

"Castle…" she began, trying to decide where to start.

"Where have you been?" he demanded angrily. "I thought you were dead!"

The possibility had occurred to her, but his vocalization of it forced her eyes to the floor, weighted by guilt. "I've mostly been in the city, searching for him. I went undercover for a while…"

"Kate, you've been gone for two years." It was an accusation, a statement, and a desperate plea for an explanation.

"It was too dangerous to contact you," she said firmly. "If he found out about it, he would have used you against me. He would have tried to kill you, again. But this time, he would have succeeded. Or he could have gone after Alexis, or Martha…" His eyes squeezed shut at her words, and she knew he was picturing the possibilities more vividly than she could describe them. She pressed on. "I couldn't let that happen, Castle. No matter what."

The cost had been great, at least to her. Walking away from him had felt like physically cutting out a necessary piece of herself. The wound had never quite healed, although she had learned to live with the constant ache of their separation. Better for her to feel emotional pain than for him to pay the price in his life's blood. He had already spilled too much for her to ever forgive herself.

Castle spoke in monotone as he noted, "But he's dead now."

No request for details. No demand for the whole story. Just a confirmation of what she had already so inartfully stated in his doorway.

"Yes. He's dead." You and your family are safe, she wanted to say, but couldn't force the words from her lips.

Just a simple goal, but it had been her all-consuming mission for the past two years. Find the man who had killed her mother and keep Castle safe. This objective had driven Kate to leave the NYPD, to turn in her badge and gun in exchange for a life as a vigilante ghost in the city she had grown up in. She had been forced to cut ties to everyone she knew and loved in pursuit of a phantom. And finally, after so much heartache and sacrifice, she could finally report success to the only person who mattered: the man who currently stared at her with features schooled to show nothing but deliberate indifference.

"That's wonderful, Kate. I'm very happy for you." Castle's tone reflected that he was anything but.

For a man who made his living from words, his fell harshly on her ears. They were nothing more than platitudes, equally usable for everyday congratulations on a coworker's job promotion, a cousin's engagement, or the birth of a neighbor's first born. They did not reflect what he was thinking, what he was feeling. Of all the things she had anticipated from this conversation, a brush-off was the least expected.

"I know it's not fair for me to be here, Castle," she tried again. "It's been so long and I'm not expecting anything from you."

"Then why did you come back?" There was the anger again, barely contained behind the cracking façade of his indifference. When she did not answer, he followed up, "You know, I tried to find you."

"I know," Kate confirmed. Staying under the radar of her mother's killer had been difficult, but dodging Castle had proved heart wrenching. While the private investigators he hired would sometimes come close to finding her, she learned quickly how to stay a step ahead. "You must know that I hated having to leave."

"That's just it, Kate - you didn't have to leave. We should have dealt with it, together."

It was a conversation they should have had two years prior, an explanation she thought she had already given when she let him know her decision to disappear.

"He would have killed you," she said with absolute certainty. "He almost succeeded. That's why I left."

Castle couldn't accept it, she could tell. He was already shaking his head, his face flooded with growing rage and betrayal. His lip curled in a furious sneer as he remarked coldly, "So you had to be the martyr, without any regard for what it would do to those of us who care about you." Stopping, he amended himself, "Cared about you."

She tried to respond, stuttering, "Castle, I'm sorry-"

He interrupted her, "You had to go after him all by yourself. Well, sounds like you finally got him. Congratulations, Kate. I'll show you out."

Not having anticipated this turn of events, Kate stared at him for a moment, uncomprehending. She had been gone for so long, and now he was kicking her out? Part of her wanted him to beg him for forgiveness, to tell him the entire story, and perhaps to even declare her feelings for him. But the hurt in his eyes froze the words on her lips. She really had no right to re-enter his life after so many months and expect to still have a place in it.

Accepting her worst case scenario, Kate merely dropped her head as she gave a small nod at his request and left his office. She had never really expected him to welcome her with open arms, not after two years. He had been angry at her self-imposed three month separation the summer after she was shot. She knew that her two year absence would push him too far. She had only hoped, blindly, he would come around.

"I'm sorry I made you late for your evening," she told him quietly as she reached the front door. With a meaningful glance towards the woman waiting in his kitchen, she said, "And I really, truly hope you've found happiness, Castle. That's all I ever wanted."

She did not wait for a response but disappeared out the door, pulling it firmly shut behind her. Slow, measured steps took her to the elevator and the press of a button had her hurtling back towards the ground floor. Giving a sad nod to the doorman, who seemed confused by her reappearance in the lobby so soon, Kate quickly exited onto the night street. The direction didn't matter – she had no where to go, really. She just needed to get plenty of distance before the tears damned up behind her eyes finally broke free.

As the adrenaline from seeing him again wore off, Kate felt the wound in her side throb more painfully. She had a half-forgotten prescription in her pocket for pain medication, but she doubted she would fill it. It was a hard-won injury, one inflicted by her mother's murderer himself. She would bear the pain with pride – the pride of a martyr, as Castle had pointed out - as yet another sacrifice in her now-finished quest.

* * *

Two years earlier...

_Hospitals held a special terror for Kate. They represented all the horrible possibilities in life – illness, injury, death… Of course, she had not been in this particular hospital when she recovered from her gunshot wound the year before, but hospitals were enough alike that she may as well have been._

_Gunshot wound. _

_GSW._

_She flinched at the acronym, knowing exactly how much damage the injury reduced to three letters could wreak on a human being. Then she turned back to look at the patient in the room's sole hospital bed. While the beeping monitor reassured her that the man was still alive, she had to see the steady rise and fall of his chest for herself. Besides, he had been going in and out of consciousness for hours, and she had no desire to miss even the tiniest flash of Castle's beautiful blue eyes._

_After all, it may be the last time._

"Richard Castle Shot in Broad Daylight." "Attempted Murderer of Famous Author Still Loose." "First NYPD Muse, then Writer Shot – What Did They Get Too Close To?"

_Kate had seen some of the headlines, although she hadn't bothered to read the full stories. She already knew far more than they did anyway, and very little it was. It was a 9mm round, single GSW to the left shoulder. No one had seen anything despite the sidewalk being crowded at 10 AM on a Friday morning. Pandemonium had lost them most of their potential witnesses, although someone had the presence of mind to call an ambulance upon spotting Castle lying on the sidewalk. Someone else had attempted to stop the bleeding, likely saving his life._

_Kate hadn't been there. He'd been alone, on his way to join her at the precinct, only a block away from his usual coffee shop. On his way to buy coffee for her, she reminded herself. The thought of coffee made Kate's stomach turn. She hadn't been able to touch the stuff since the call._

_One of the first responders had recognized him and known to call her immediately. She'd met the ambulance at the hospital then waited through surgery in the lobby, apprising Alexis and Martha of what she knew when they arrived. The three of them were joined intermittently by others throughout the day – Lanie, Esposito, Ryan, even her dad, Paula and Gina. _

_Hours had passed since everyone else had been sent home. Kate rationalized remaining in his hospital room as extra protection despite the fact that a uniform was stationed outside. If she were really honest with herself, she needed to be there, to reassure herself that he was okay, that his chest still rose and fell steadily and that the heart monitor still beeped at a constant rate. She needed to hold his hand when his eyelids began fluttering open and he finally awoke enough to ask what had happened. She had to be there to explain - to tell him that his daughter and mother were okay (she had managed to talk Gates into posting another uniform at the loft), that he was okay, that everything was going to be okay. Not that she believed it herself. _

Nothing_ was okay._

_Castle was shot in broad daylight in front of a hundred witnesses, and no one had seen anything. She ruled out robbery as a motive when she went through his wallet. He typically carried a substantial amount of cash to pay for cabs, coffee, and take-out, and there were at least nine twenty dollar bills left in the expensive Italian leather billfold. So, not a robbery. The shooting had been too public for a random act of violence. _

_That left one possibility - he had been targeted. And while Kate did not know the identity of the shooter, she felt absolutely certain of the person behind it. The "Dragon" as McCallister had termed him. The nameless, faceless man who had orchestrated her mother's murder, who had Raglin and McCallister killed and Hal Locklin broken out of police custody, the same man who was responsible for Montgomery's murder and her near assassination... he had finally gone after Castle._

_The knowledge of it broke her. Castle had been shot because of her, because of the investigation into her mother's murder. She had struggled during that long summer of lonely recovery to come to grips with the danger she had put those closest to her in. Anyone could have been hurt at Montgomery's funeral, not just Castle as he tackled her to the ground. A stray bullet could have hit Alexis or Martha, Lanie, the boys, or even Montgomery's wife or one of his daughters. The thought of putting them in danger had been part of the reason for her summer of silence, cut off from everyone but her father. How could she justify taking such a risk with someone else's life? _

_But after three months and no follow-up attempt on her life, she had let her fears go. After reporting to work and working things out with Castle, the doubts seemed silly. If the mysterious man she was trying to find wanted her dead, he could easily do it at any time. While she did not have set hours, she was easy to find, either at the precinct or at home. For someone with a sniper rifle and the experience to use it, she would be a sitting duck._

_Taking that consideration into account, Kate wondered why they had gone after Castle. She hadn't gone near the investigation in months, not even so far as to open her mother's murder board. The timing made no sense, and going after Castle? Why him? Why now?_

_Had she ascribed supernatural features to her mother's killer, she would have thought he chose his time and target to deliberately coincide with one of her most important personal revelations, that she was completely, totally, 100%, head-over-heels, silly-16-year-old giddy in love with Richard Castle. And she was going to tell him. She knew she had to come clean about what she remembered from the shooting, but she also wanted to let him know that she'd decided to break down the wall inside herself. He was already inside, and solving her mother's murder wasn't going to change that. She had already made a reservation for a day next week at a small, expensive restaurant she knew he liked, and she was working up the nerve to ask him out the day he was shot. _

_The rate of the heart monitor began to gradually increase, and Kate quickly took a seat in the chair beside Castle's bedside, her hand slipping gently into his. A few seconds later, his eyes opened, then shut, then open again. They shut again as he let out a small groan, and she waited to see if he would fall back asleep as he had done half a dozen times since coming out of surgery. But instead, his eyes opened once more and he turned to focus on her. _

_"Hey," she said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze._

_"Kate." His voice was hoarse, but Kate was certain it was the most wonderful sound she had ever heard._

_"I'm here," she assured him. She knew how disoriented she had been after waking up in a strange hospital room, in pain, covered in tubes and wires. "You're going to be okay."_

_He simply stared at her for a long moment, then looked around the room in confusion. Finally, he looked back at her and said without preamble, "I was shot." _

_She nodded. "The bullet went through your shoulder. You'll need to have physical therapy for that arm, but you were lucky."_

_"Did he... did he get away?"_

_She nodded again, feeling for all the world like a child giving a disappointing report to a parent or teacher. "Ryan and Espo are still talking to witnesses, but so far, no one saw anything."_

_"I never saw the guy. One minute I'm waiting for the walk signal, and the next I'm on the ground. Getting shot really HURTS, by the way. Of course, you knew that..." he rambled, grimacing in obvious pain as he shifted a little in the hospital bed. She saw the moment when he realized what she had already deduced - that the person who shot him was likely tied to the investigation of her mother's killer. And if he was at risk, if he had finally become a target... "What about Alexis? My mother? Are they-"_

_"They're fine. They were here a few hours ago, but they went home when the doctor kicked everyone out. I have a unit sitting outside the loft, and Esposito said he'd stop by in the morning to bring them up to the hospital to see you."_

_Castle smirked at her. "The doctor kicked everyone out, huh? What are you still doing here?"_

_Her eyes softened at his question and her mouth may have even quirked into a small smile. "Sometimes the badge has its privileges, Castle. Besides, there was no way I was leaving."_

_She expected a joke, maybe even some innuendo, but he simply squeezed her hand, then let it go. "You should go home, Kate. Get some sleep. I'll be fine."_

_She was so not going to have this argument with him. "You get some sleep," she told him as she stood up. "I'm going to let the nurse know you're awake."_

_As Kate suspected, by the time she returned from her visit to the nurses' station and a quick trip down to the cafeteria for a cup of tea while they checked in on him (coffee still wasn't appealing), he had already fallen back asleep. Even though it was well past midnight, she sent a short text message to Alexis letting her know that her dad had woken briefly and was resting again. She knew the girl was likely in bed but figured she might sleep better with an update. _

_The hours spent in the waiting room with Alexis and Martha had been tense – the younger woman mostly ignoring her while Castle's mom gave her pitying looks and absently patted her hand. She felt surprised they didn't scream at her, blame her loudly in front of everyone for what had happened. Castle's shooting was Kate's fault - they had to know that. Even if she hadn't put him at risk with her mother's case, even if this had been an absolutely random act of violence, it was still on her head. She was the cop. Protecting Castle was her responsibility. She should have been there._

_If Castle's family agreed with her, they did not speak such reproaches aloud. The three women sat in relative silence until a doctor came in and gave them the news that he would be fine. The bullet had made a clean exit and hadn't hit anything vital. They could likely take him home in a day or two._

_A few moments later, she received a reply from Alexis. *Thanks, Detective Beckett. We'll be there first thing in the morning.*_

_Morning was still hours away, but Kate had no intention of falling asleep. Somewhere out there was a person plotting to end the life of the man sleeping beside her. Her heart dropped into her stomach at the thought of losing him and a wave of nausea swept over her. _

_She loved him - she knew it in her bones. And his death would destroy her every bit as much as her mother's had. But even worse, it would mean Alexis losing her father, Martha losing her son. The voice of a world-famous author silenced. She could not let that happen. Nothing was worth destroying all their lives._

_Sure, Castle had been lucky this time. While a bullet in the shoulder was nothing to sneeze at, he would recover. But what about next time?_

_Kate could not protect him forever. She doubted she could protect him for one foot outside the hospital if the sniper a mind to take him out. If she could be shot in a cemetery and he could be shot on a crowded street, there was no safety anywhere. _

_She had dropped the investigation, at Castle's urging. But that clearly had not ended things. He was still out there, the Dragon, and he had gone after Castle. Because of her. This beautiful, loyal, funny man was lying in hospital bed recovering from a gunshot because of her, because she had put him at risk._

_Looking over at his sleeping form, Kate knew she had to fix this. She had to take Castle out of the line of fire. He had the resources to leave town and stay out of sight, but she knew he would never agree to do so. Besides, Alexis was about to start college and Martha had her own life. Asking them to live like prisoners in some safe, distant location was out of the question._

_Kate had to find the man behind it all. She had to find him and kill him. It was the only way to keep Castle alive and his family protected. And she had to do it alone. She had to stay far away from Castle to keep him from being targeted again. In fact, it would be better for Kate to sever herself entirely from those she held dear if she was going to go up against this phantom. _

_Mentally planning her strategy well into the night, the darkness outside had just begun to soften into the dark purple hues of morning when Kate found a piece of paper and pulled a pen out of her purse. The letter she wrote was brief but not unsentimental, and she tried to explain her plan without giving away too much information. More importantly, she wanted him to know why, to truly understand the reasons behind her decision._

_She had just folded the letter and slipped it into her purse when she heard him stirring again. Morning had dawned while she was writing and daylight peeked from behind the closed blinds. He blinked at her sleepily as she once again reached for his hand._

_"Y' look tired," he mumbled, fuzzy from the painkillers. "Told you to go home."_

_"I will soon," she assured him. "I didn't want to leave you alone."_

_Her concern must have shown more than she intended, because he looked at her intently._

_"I'm okay, Kate." He did not mean the bullet wound, and she could feel tears welling up in her eyes at the thought of him reassuring her. _

_"Castle, I...I'm..." her voice failed her on the second attempt as she battled the tide of emotions suddenly threatening to wash over her. Fighting back a sob, she managed, "I'm so sorry this happened."_

_His surprise at her display of emotion momentarily left him speechless, but he quickly recovered. "Everything's going to be okay. You can't blame yourself for this."_

_"Sure I can," she answered, pushing it all back down, "but let's not talk about it right now. How did you sleep?"_

_He gave a little shrug but the movement prompted a flash of pain across his face as it disturbed his injured shoulder. "Okay, I guess," he answered. "Weird dreams. Did you get any sleep?"_

_"A few hours," Kate said, not wanting him to worry. _

_"Liar."_

_"Please don't worry about me," she responded, allowing herself to caress his hand very gently. His skin was warm, almost as warm as his eyes as he looked at her fondly. _

_"Kate-" he began to say. But they were interrupted by a nurse entering to take his vital signs and administer his next dose of pain medication. Giving his hand a quick kiss, Kate stood to leave, forcing herself not to see the surprise on his face as his eyes followed her to the door. _

_She slipped into the hallway to check on the uniformed officer stationed outside. As he was finishing up his report of a quiet evening, she spotted Alexis, Martha, and Exposito headed in their direction._

_"How is he doing?" Alexis asked. The writer's daughter had shown Kate less recrimination than she would have expected, but her eyes still stabbed with the hint of unspoken blame._

_"Why don't you go in and ask him yourself," she suggested. Without hesitation, the girl headed into her father's room, and Kate smiled after her. _

_"And how are you holding up?" she heard Martha ask as the older woman stopped beside her._

_"Fine," she responded instantly, a stock response. She was anything but fine. As Martha followed Alexis into the hospital room, she turned to Esposito and asked, "Anything?"_

_He shook his head. She hadn't expected they would find any evidence, but one could always hope. "How's he doing?" the other detective inquired._

_"He'll be okay. Look, can you stay here with them for a while? There are some things I need to take care of..."_

_Luckily, Esposito earnestly shared her desire to protect Castle and his family. "Sure, sure. No problem. Go do whatever you need to do." _

_Risking one last look at the door to his hospital room, Kate wondered if she should say goodbye. Would it be too painful, for her and for him? Would it cause her to lose her resolve? Taking a deep breath, she decided against it. After all, she had a lot to do and very little time in which to do it before Castle was discharged in a few days. Besides, she could stop by later and see him after everyone else was gone._

* * *

"Was that her?"

Tracy's question was grounded in understanding more than accusation. As a friend from the publishing business, she had known him for a long time, and she knew the story behind the Nikki Heat books, especially his most recent one, _Heat Lost_.

"Yeah, that was her."

"You two didn't talk for very long."

"Not much to say."

Castle was lying to himself. After two years of separation, he had plenty to say. But he knew Kate had no interest in hearing it. She had clearly blinded herself to the goal of her mission long ago, and nothing could break the sanctity of it. Not even him. Arguing with her would do no good.

Beside him, Tracy let out a noise of exasperation. In some ways, she reminded him a lot of Kate, especially when she called him out on things. Of course, there had never been anything between the two of them. How could there be when he was still in love with a brown-haired former detective? But still, Tracy went to parties with him and helped him keep up appearances as the carefree semi-bachelor to the press.

"That's bullshit," she said bluntly. "You've been searching for that woman for two years, sick to death over her, and she suddenly shows up and 'there's not much to say'? Do you even know where to find her when you come to your senses?"

Castle stared at her for a minute as he let her words sink in. She had a point about not being able to find Kate again. Suddenly, he flashed back to that moment in the hospital when he read her letter and realized she was gone, to the time he let himself into her apartment with a spare key and found it empty and devoid of her presence, to the moment when Gates let him read her letter of resignation from the NYPD. The terror and guilt returned so heavily, he felt the old familiar ache in his shoulder where his scar from the bullet occasionally still itched and pulled.

"You're right," he said to his friend, but his feet were already turned towards the front door. "Um... can you..."

"Let myself out and call Gina to explain why you won't be at the party tonight? I have it covered, Rick."

Without another word, he ran out the door and after Kate Beckett.

The elevator took too long - it was on its way down to the first floor - so he took the stairs, racing as though his life depended on it. By the lobby he was panting and out of breath, but luckily his doorman knew what he was about to be asked.

"She went in that direction," he pointed, then called after the writer as he took off down the street. "Good luck, Mr. Castle!"


	2. The Tale

**Summary**: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?

**A/N:** As a reminder, flashbacks are in italics.

Thank you to those who left a review for the first chapter. I love reading people's reactions as a story progresses.

**Chapter 2: The Tale**

Two blocks later, he caught sight of her. He did not notice that she walked slowly and favoring one side, only that her chin was down and her shoulders slumped in defeat. Castle also ignored the dirty looks and shouts he received as he side-stepped people and continued running down the sidewalk.

Once he was half a block away, he yelled "Kate!" to get her attention. She stopped immediately but did not turn around until he had reached her. Her face was guarded but her eyes glimmered with unshed tears. She said nothing, waiting for him to speak.

Rather than attempt to explain his behavior at the loft or in any way verbally express what he was feeling, he did what he wished he'd done the moment he saw her on his doorstep. He enveloped her in his arms, one hand snaking around her back as the other cradled the back of her neck against him.

Surprised by his actions, Kate almost resisted the touch. But after a few seconds, he felt her body relax into him as her arms moved around his waist to hug him back. She seemed thinner than he remembered, her ribs more pronounced. And she was not wearing her typical heels, so she seemed smaller, more vulnerable. But she still smelled like cherries.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair. "I've missed you so much, and then you just show up out of no where..."

"It's okay," he heard her say in a tiny, broken voice.

"When you left, I was so angry, and so hurt..."

"I'm sorry," she tried to say, and he interrupted.

"...but then when you were gone so long and I couldn't find you, I thought you must have died. He must have killed you."

Five private investigators turned up nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. Three months after she disappeared, her letter to him the only indication of why she had gone or where, one of the PI's turned up a witness who remembered seeing her. An old woman spotted her at a seedy motel for a few nights, but the information produced no leads. If Kate had stayed there, she paid cash and blended in enough to be ignored by the other residents.

After that, the PI's only gave sporadic, unsubstantiated reports. A pretty brown-haired woman living in a box in an area heavily populated by vagrants. A young woman making a public records request at city hall. Castle would have even sworn to seeing glimpses of her face now and then - on the subway, in a passing cab, even in store windows. At first it gave him hope. Then as time passed, it made him worry that he was losing his mind. Finally, about a year ago, all such reports stopped.

"I had to stay away from you, Castle, and from everyone else," she explained. Pulling away from him just enough to look him in the eyes, she continued, "He went after you because he knew you were close to me, and I had to do everything possible to take away that incentive."

He had so many questions for her. They bubbled up inside of him, fighting with each other to get out. But they were standing on a sidewalk, out in the open, and he had been wary of that kind of vulnerability ever since being shot. Looking around, he spotted his usual coffee shop at the edge of the block. Not caring that he was still in a tuxedo and would probably stick out like a sore thumb, he suggested, "Hey, let's go get some coffee and sit down. I think we have a lot to talk about."

She looked at him with such an expression of indescribable emotion, at first he thought she might refuse. But after a moment, she bit her bottom lip, looked away, and nodded. "Yeah, I think we do."

Ten minutes later found them at a table in the back of the coffee shop with two steaming paper cups between them. Castle noticed that she ordered tea rather than coffee and when asked her name by the barista, she did not hesitate before giving another name, "Susan." But when she saw him watching her with interest, she ducked her head in embarrassment. He made a mental note to ask her about it later.

"So how is Alexis doing?" she asked, and Castle was glad for the distraction of an easy topic.

"She's good, thinking about doing pre-med. She's almost finished with her second year at Columbia, and she has an internship lined up at a doctor's office."

"And your mom?"

"Still driving me crazy every chance she gets, although she just moved in with her new boyfriend."

The way Kate nodded seemed strange, as though the information he had relayed did not surprise her.

"And you?" she asked finally, meeting his gaze in a way that reminded him of the old days at the precinct.

"I'm not seeing anyone, if that's what you're asking. Tracy, the woman you saw at the loft earlier, is just a friend."

He could not tell if she seemed relieved or disappointed at this revelation. "You started writing again," she observed.

_Heat Lost_.

With _Frozen Heat_ already with the editors when he was shot, the only book he'd written since her disappearance had come out over three months ago. Gina had screamed at him on a weekly basis for the first year, but he was too absorbed in looking for Kate. Only when it became clear that she was gone and he had no way of finding her did he turn back to writing, drowning himself in a fictionalized version of her.

Critics had both acclaimed and panned _Heat Lost_, which ended on a cliffhanger as Nikki's character was thrown into a van by masked men and whisked off into a dark future. Some said it was more non-fiction than fiction as he relied too heavily on his relationship with a real NYPD detective. Others hailed the book as a bold tale of mystery and romance and clamored for the next one.

"Did you read it?" Castle inquired. He had dedicated the book to her. A simple desperate plea, it said: "**KB - Come back to me.**"

She looked away from him, focusing on the door as people came in and out of the coffee shop. "I bought it this morning. I haven't had a chance to read it yet."

She was the same, and yet, after two years, she was also so different. Part of her seemed lost, as though she had been adrift too long without anything to hold onto. Another part of her just looked relieved to have finally found solid ground again.

"Kate," he said gently, hoping he wasn't staring at her like he would a ghost. "Where have you been all this time?"

* * *

Two years earlier...

_Withdrawing her life savings from the bank had been easier than she thought it would be, although her request for bills smaller than $100 had earned her an annoyed look from the teller and a private audience with the bank manager. Luckily, he had spotted her badge clipped to her belt and without further discussion obliged her request to the extent possible._

_Packing up her apartment had likewise been easy. After putting together a bag of essentials to take with her, Kate boxed up the things she wanted to keep and put them in pre-paid storage. She left instructions with the super to donate anything else to charity and gave her notice, forgoing the return of her last month's rent. _

_Calling her father had been difficult, but when she explained her motivation, she thought he understood. Of course, he tried to talk her out of it. He even pled with her to reconsider. But nothing would persuade her. She desperately hoped her decision would not send him back into the bottom of a bottle._

_Handing her letter of resignation to Gates was even worse. After reading the short lines she had written, resigning her position and ending her hard-earned career with the NYPD, the Captain looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Is this because of Castle being shot?"_

_"Yes, sir."_

_The older woman nodded, and said something unexpected. "Well, you let me know when you're ready to come back. In the mean time, good luck to you." Then she shook Kate's hand._

_Her last stop was the hospital again, the hardest part. She had been gone all day and knew that visiting hours were over, but a word with a familiar nurse got her into Castle's room. Everyone else had gone home but an officer was still on guard in the hall as she quietly slipped inside. She noticed that a multitude of flower bouquets had livened up the room as well as a bright "Get Well Soon!" balloon and a teddy bear with sad, droopy eyes. _

_His complexion still pale but improved from the night before, Castle lay in bed, fast asleep. _

_A glance at the monitor reassured her of his steady heartbeat as she took a seat in the chair beside him. Resisting the urge to take his hand, Kate simply sat and stared at him for several minutes, as though trying to memorize every aspect of his face and form. _

_She knew what she was about to do would hurt him. It was inevitable. But she considered her motives to be well intentioned. After all, his life was at stake. What wouldn't she do to save his life? She was already prepared to sacrifice her career and however many months it took to find this guy. She had no call to hesitate in her plan over the fear that Castle would never speak to her again, would never forgive her._

_Becket had already rejected the idea of telling him in person. The letter she had written in the early hours of that morning contained all the information she wished to give him, and it had the added benefit of guaranteeing his silence on the subject until after she was gone. A cowardly act, she acknowledged, but she worried he would talk her out of the plan if she shared. And it was too important. Too much was at stake._

_Her lack of sleep the night before had begun to catch up with her as she sat in the hospital room. Rationalizing that she would only rest her eyes a little while, she let fatigue overtake her as the steady beeping of Castle's heart monitor lulled her to sleep. _

_Close to an hour later, a nightmare startled her awake. Before the details faded, Kate could remember the echoing sound of a gunshot, people screaming, and blood. Underlying all of that was a picture of Rick Castle's face - the image eternally burned into her memory from the day she was shot, his brown hair framed by a clear blue sky that matched his eyes. Those eyes were so full of anguish as he held her, begging her to stay with him. Except, in her dream, she was the one looking down at him bleeding out on the grass as he begged her to help him, to save him._

_If she had been wavering in her determination before, the sharp edge of the dream made the decision for her. Kate stood up and after carefully watching to make sure Castle was truly asleep, she leaned over to lay a gentle, feather-light kiss on his forehead. When he gave no sign of awaking, she pulled the letter she had written from her purse and looked for an appropriate place to leave it. _

_Spotting his closed laptop on the bed near his feet, she slid it inside with just a bit of the paper peeking out. Of course the writer could not be without the tool of his trade. At least she was sure he would see the letter in relatively short order._

_Kate took one last look at him as she quietly opened the door to leave, committing the image of him hurt and alone in a hospital bed to her memory. It pained her to see him so vulnerable, but she knew remembering this moment would help her stay true to the mission she had set for herself. Shutting the door behind her, she didn't look back._

* * *

"Where have you been all this time?"

It was a perfectly reasonable question, Kate knew. But she had no desire to share the full details of her two year sabbatical with Castle, whose eyes were already full of guilt.

"Here and there. Mostly in Manhattan, but I was also up-state for a while. I moved around a lot."

Castle nodded, taking in the information even though it wasn't quite what he wanted. But now that the ice was broken, his questions flowed like water from an open tap. She had said the man who killed her mother was dead - who was he? How did she find him? Was he really dead? How did he die?

She kept her story short and to the point, an anticlimactic end to an event which had defined half her life and the last few years of his own. Drew Philipson, a former EMT turned firefighter and eventually state Senator, was the wizard behind the curtain. Not only had he blackmailed Raglan, McCallister, and Montgomery, over the years he had grown a network of spies, informants, and secret followers who allowed him access to nearly anything he wanted. Like a well managed business, his blackmailing schemes brought in enough money to continue funding the operation as well as his run for political office.

"I remember reading about him recently," Castle said. "The paper said he was killed last week - some sort of hunting accident. Wasn't he going to run for governor in the next election?"

Kate confirmed Philipson's plans for higher state office but on his death only said, "It wasn't exactly a hunting accident."

Her obvious discomfort at the subject did not deter Castle. "You were there."

"I was there."

Concern colored his features as he looked around, and then lowered his voice. "Did you kill him? Should we be getting you to a non extradition country right now? Cause just say the word and I can charter a -"

The sudden smile that lit up her face almost knocked him over and certainly had the effect of rendering him speechless. It occurred to him that he had not seen her smile since she had returned. Beyond a few keepsake photos he always kept nearby, her smile was a vision denied to him for two years, and witnessing it again in person was indescribable.

"I'm not on the run, Castle," she said through a grin. "The Albany police cleared me of any responsibility in his death and considering the circumstances and their ongoing investigation into his schemes, they decided not to press charges against me for burglary."

"Burglary?" he questioned.

"Well, that's what you call it when you break into someone's residence with the intent to commit a felony."

"But you didn't..." _You didn't kill him_, is what Castle wanted to ask. Instead, he ended his question with, "...commit a felony?"

She pressed her lips together and looked away, a clear sign of annoyance. He remembered that Kate expression well. "Look, Castle, do you have to hear all the details right now? Let's just say that after looking for him on my own for two years, I finally discovered his identity and went to his house. We got into a scuffle. He got his hands on a gun and tried to shoot me, but it backfired and he accidentally killed himself."

Castle's attention was rapt. "He accidentally shot _himself_?"

"Well, not exactly. He grabbed a gun - I think it was an antique - and when he went to fire it, it misfired and kind of exploded in his face. And... yeah. He died."

The scene she painted sounded as though it were straight out of one of his novels. But from the firm set of her mouth and the way her hands shook slightly at the retelling of it, he knew she was telling the truth.

Suddenly, Castle noticed something about Kate's hand, and he reached out to push the cuff of her coat up far enough to see her wrist. She moved to stop him, but not fast enough to keep him from discovering what he thought he had seen - a white plastic band, the kind hospital patients wore.

"Were you hurt?" he demanded as she pulled her hand away and hid it under the table.

"I'm fine," she said evenly.

"Then why are you wearing that? If hospital ID bracelets were suddenly a new fashion statement, I think I'd know about it."

Realizing he would not drop it, she sighed in resignation. "He wasn't the only one hit by shrapnel when the gun exploded. I caught a piece in my side. It didn't really hit anything, just bled a lot."

"But you're okay?" Castle said, his eyes quickly scanning her for any other signs of injury he had overlooked.

"I'm absolutely okay," she confirmed. "They sewed me up and kept me a few days just to make sure. Actually, they let me out this morning."

Her extended hospital stay explained the time between when he read about the senator's death the week prior and finding her on his doorstep that evening. "And you came straight here," he observed. _You came straight back to me_, he wanted to say, but could not after his reception of her back at the loft.

She gave him another unexpected smile as she said, "Well, first I went to visit my dad, to let him know what happened and that I was okay. And I stopped to pick up your book."

* * *

Two years earlier...

_Castle awoke to pain, although it seemed curiously dull compared to when he fell asleep the night before. Pain meds, he decided. The good stuff. Probably the only up side to getting shot._

_Blinking blearily around the dimly lit room, he found himself looking for something. No, someone. Alexis? He had sent her home the night before and told her to go to school this morning. His mother? That seemed unlikely..._

_Where was Kate? His eyes completing their search of the small hospital room, and he determined that she was not present. Castle frowned, not sure whether to count himself more disappointed or confused. He had barely seen her at all the previous day. While she had been there when he woke up and seemed very concerned (dare he say worried?), the homicide detective split shortly thereafter and did not appear the rest of the day._

_In all likelihood, she was out searching for his shooter. He knew how she buried herself in her work. Alexis had noticed the way his eyes swept towards the door every time a new visitor came to see him, and she did her very best to distract him. But by the time visiting hours were over and Kate still had not come by, Castle had begun to worry._

_Sleeping in a hospital, he had long ago discovered, was usually next to impossible. Nurses and doctors came in and out of his room almost constantly, taking his vital signs, checking his bandages, or just marking things down on their ever-present clipboards. Castle hated the clipboards. He had only convinced one nurse to show him what she had written down, and even then it made no sense to him, like it was written in Chinese. _

_Except, he knew Chinese, so maybe it was written in something else. Sanskrit? Or maybe Klingon. Wait, Klingon wasn't a real language. But no, they'd created a Klingon language, hadn't they? Some professor out in California... He'd told Kate about that once, but she'd just rolled her eyes at him._

_Where was Kate?_

_Somehow he had gotten through the night with nary an interruption of his sleep. Probably courtesy of the good drugs, he guessed. Maybe Kate had been in to see him that night, after working all day at the precinct? He glanced around for any evidence of that theory. No purse, no keys, not even a fresh set of flowers or cliché item from the gift shop downstairs. He felt certain she'd choose a stuffed animal over flowers or balloons._

_Then he spotted his laptop and the folded piece of paper tucked inside. Alexis had brought it in for him the previous day so he could write, although the nurses had been unhappy. Nothing a little bit of Castle charm couldn't fix, of course. _

_She had left him a note? Why wasn't she there in person? His heart beat with dread as he reached down for the computer with his good arm. His hands trembled slightly as he removed the paper, already guessing that whatever it said wasn't good. _

_He read the signature first, to be sure it was from her. It was. She had signed it "_Kate_." More specifically, she had finished the letter, "_Always, Kate._"_

_That didn't bode well. Forcing himself to not read it piecemeal, to not be distracted by the individual words but rather to read it as a whole, he began at the beginning._

**_Dear Castle,_**

**_I love you. If you take nothing else away from this letter, please remember that. You probably already suspected, but I heard you in the cemetery that day. I should have said something long ago, but I let my fears hold me hostage. _**

**_I thought that dropping the investigation into my mom's murder would keep us safe, but clearly I was wrong. I can think of no one else that would want to take your life. Castle, I'm so sorry you got hurt. I don't know why it would happen now, but I know that it's my fault. Every day you are around me, I put you at risk. That can't happen anymore. I can't stand by and let you be killed because of your connection to me. I would never be able to live with myself if Alexis lost her father because of me. _**

**_I know you'll want to stop me, but for both our sakes, by the time you read this, I'll be gone. I'm going after him. Not because of what he did to my mom or Montgomery or me. I have to find him for you. And I have to do it alone. Please don't try to find me. If he went after you to get to me, I can only hope that if I stay away from you, so will he. _**

**_You are such a good man, Castle. I think one of the reasons I resisted you so long is because I know, deep down, I don't deserve you. And yet, you always come back to me. I don't know how long I'll be gone and I won't ask you to wait. But I will do everything possible to come back to you. _**

**_Stay safe. I love you. _**

**_Always, Kate._**

_The full meaning of her words was too much. She loved him? And she knew how he felt about her? And because of that, because of what had happened to him, she was leaving…_

_But she didn't know everything. _

_He had to stop her. _

_Pushing past the pain and dizziness, Castle made it out of bed, although he was tangled in a mass of wires and tubes. As he disengaged one, the machine by his bed began to go berserk, the steady beeping sound from earlier instantly replaced by a loud, mechanical shriek._

_Whatever he had done, it alerted the nurses to his escape attempt, and two entered his room to check on him. When they had little luck convincing him to get back in bed willingly, a tall male orderly appeared. He tried to explain to them that he had to get to Kate, that he had to catch her before she was gone forever. Later, he realized he must have been raving like a madman, but at the time it seemed to make perfect sense. _

_Someone stuck a needle into him, just like he'd seen in the movies. Some sort of sedative, most likely, as the world went dark again and mercifully dreamless sleep took over._

* * *

_tbc_


	3. The Help

**Summary**: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?

**A/N**: I'm including the summary at the beginning of each chapter because I can't tell you how many times I get an alert on a story, click on the new chapter, go to begin reading, and then for the life of me can't remember what the story was about or what happened in the _last_ chapter.

Speaking of story alerts, holy hannah! Lots of story alerts! More than any other story I've written to date, so that's really cool. I will try not to disappoint, but please leave a review and let me know what you think (even if its just a word or two). Thank you to everyone who has already given feedback - it provides good inspiration and helps me re-examine work I've already written.

* * *

**Chapter 3: The Help**

They took their time walking back to his loft, their direction decided on by unspoken agreement. While she refused to acknowledge it, Castle could tell that Kate's side was causing her some pain. He offered to hail them a cab, but she laughed it off with the observation that it was only a few blocks and she had suffered far worse injuries.

Unintentionally, her words sobered him. He had almost lost her to a madman in a freak accident. Before that, he had almost lost her to a sniper's bullet, to a bomb set in her apartment. They had both almost died together in that freezer, dismantling that bomb, and even plunging into the Hudson River. He had almost lost her so many times and in so many ways, but there she was walking next to him, alive, whole, and healthy.

And smiling.

"Stay with me," he said suddenly as they arrived at the front door of his building. Part of him wanted to wrap his arms around her again, to ensure that she never left and that nothing else could hurt her. But caging Kate Beckett was out of the question - he wanted her the way he always had: willing and unconditional. And - in the very near future, he hoped - naked in his bed.

Her response surprised him. "Are you sure?" she asked, biting her lip with uncertainty.

Then he remembered their earlier conversation, his angry words and asking her to leave. What a fool he had been.

"This is the first thing I've really been sure of since you left."

Kate nodded at his answer and did not resist as he took her hand in his and led her into the building. His doorman grinned at them in delight as they walked past. Castle kept hold of her hand the entire elevator ride up, only releasing it when he went to unlock his door. However, Kate hesitated as she followed him inside.

"When I came here earlier, you were on your way somewhere," she pointed out, then gestured to his tuxedo. "Was it something important? Do you need to... go?"

He nearly laughed at the question. Removing his formal jacket, Castle said thoughtfully, "The love of my life, who I haven't seen in two years, showed up on my doorstep mere hours after being discharged from the hospital. What could possibly be more important?"

He expected her to look terrified at his statement, perhaps even to run out the door she had just entered. But instead she surprised him by appearing incredibly pleased before focusing her eyes on the floor and saying without shyness or reproach, "Love of your life, huh?"

They hadn't actually done this yet, this exchange of declarations, not really. Sure, he'd told her as she lay bleeding out on the too-green grass in the cemetery on that terrible, terrifying day. And she'd told him in a letter, a beautiful, horrible letter on yet another evil day. Perhaps direct confessions were not the key to a long, healthy relationship for them.

"Well, you and Alexis," he said lightly, taking a careful step towards her.

"Of course." She didn't move away, and he took the opportunity to move a little closer.

"And me and Esposito are still pretty tight," he joked. Another step.

"Naturally," she conceded, suppressing a laugh.

"And wouldn't want Ryan to feel left out." He was almost within her personal space.

"Definitely not." The last few feet between them had shrunk to mere inches.

He was so close. "And Lanie-"

"Castle, shut up."

As their lips met, it was impossible to decide later who had officially kissed whom as both poured two years of longing and love into the gesture. Tongues dueled as lips crashed desperately into one another. Hands wandered and explored, not content to stay in one place too long. Castle reminded himself to avoid the area of her injury, but Kate had no such reservations as she stretched one hand out to touch the side of his face and pushed her body flush against his.

Desire nearly overtook Castle as he immersed himself in the taste and feel of her. Having Kate warm and willing in his arms had been the center of many a fantasy, but even his best-selling imagination could not rival reality, not even with the memory of their first kiss to go on. That kiss, born of desperation and tinged with fear for the safety of their friends, had been amazing. With this kiss, Castle felt himself falling in love with her all over again.

But as his hand accidentally brushed her side, he felt her tense unconsciously against him and he immediately pulled away. "I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" he asked.

She gave a short dismissive shake of her head before pulling him down for another kiss, desperate to recapture the moment. But he could tell she was lying and knowing he had unintentionally caused her pain helped to clear his head. As much as he loved kissing her and touching and holding her in his arms, they would have plenty of time for that.

This time when he pulled away, he gently wrapped his arms around her again and breathed in the scent of her hair. Still cherries. Not quite as strong as he remembered, but the scent was still there, familiar and fascinating.

And his hands discovered what his eyes already suspected - that she had lost weight. While she had always been slender, he could feel her ribs even through her jacket. He hated to think of what other ways she may not have taken care of herself during their separation.

Not so subtly, he said, "Hey, it's late and I'm hungry. Let me make us some dinner."

If she suspected his motive of food was more for her benefit than for his, she did not point it out. "That sounds great," she said, and let him lead her into the kitchen. She perched herself on a bar stool while he pulled out sandwich fixings and some leftover pasta.

As he prepared a meal rivaling some of his mother's more lavish impromptu feasts, she asked him about things she had missed while she was gone - mostly how Alexis was enjoying college, if he still helped the guys at the precinct, and how his next book was progressing. The normalcy of the conversation was a bit strange, like old friends catching up, and Castle began to realize exactly how long she had been gone.

Of course, his daughter took to higher education like a fish to water. She worked hard in all her classes and excelled brilliantly at everything. Castle still went into the precinct for the occasional "Beckett-flavored" murder, but no where near as often as when he had been shadowing her. More often, Ryan and Esposito would meet him for a drink at the Old Haunt after work, and they would discuss cases like other men talked about sports teams.

As for his next book...

"I can't think of anything." A painful admission, one he had made to no one else, but it was true.

"That's crazy, Castle. You must have enough ideas and research for a hundred books," Kate pointed out.

"Murders, sure. Mystery, definitely. But I wrote myself into a corner on the last book and I haven't figured out what to do about it."

As she had not read the book yet, he didn't want to spoil her. Once he'd written the final scene of _Heat Lost_ with Nikki thrown into the back of a van by masked men (as Rook watched on in helpless horror), all creativity had abandoned him. Who were the men? He had no idea. Why had they taken her? Again, drawing a blank. It was as if Kate's absence tied directly into Nikki's, and without resolution of one, he had been unable to resolve the other.

"I'm sure you'll think of something," she told him.

And for the first time in months, ideas started popping up in his mind. Not enough to begin writing, but at least enough to begin thinking about writing.

As they sat down at the table to eat, Castle thought back on something she had said earlier and asked, "So, you said you bought the book today. It's been out for about three months now. Why didn't you get it before? There must have been book stores wherever you were?"

It was a nefarious way to ask about her whereabouts - something she obviously did not want to discuss - but it definitely made him wonder. Had she delved into her mother's murder so deeply that she hadn't even surfaced to read his latest book, something she knew would be almost exclusively about her? The thought saddened him and, unsurprisingly, brought up long-buried guilt. It was a book he'd written just for her, and a part of him felt hurt that she hadn't yet read it.

"I wanted to. I really did. I just..." She sighed, searching for the words to explain. "I wasn't in a place where I could do that and get away with it."

"You mean, emotionally?" he prompted.

She shook her head. "No, physically. I was working undercover - unofficially of course. And I didn't want to draw any attention to myself since I suspected I was being watched."

"What kind of undercover work were you doing?" Castle pressed.

But Kate's defenses were already coming up, he could tell. She would be answering no more questions about her lost two years, at least not tonight. "Dinner was really good," she remarked instead.

"Eat some more," he suggested, pushing the pasta dish towards her. "There's plenty."

She smirked at his obviousness. "You're just trying to fatten me up."

"Guilty," he conceded.

He expected to see familiar annoyance on Kate's face, or at least exasperation. But instead, he saw that same earlier expression of happiness. She was enjoying his concern and taking pleasure in the way he doted on her. She had changed during her time away, clearly. Whatever she had been doing, she seemed to have made a good dent in the wall inside herself.

"So have you let Lanie and the boys know you're back?" Castle asked as she pushed back from the table, her plate still far too full for his liking.

Guilt clouded her face as she shook her head. "Espo knows. I had planned to call Lanie and Ryan tonight, but..." She gestured back and forth between them to complete her point.

Glossing over the knowledge that she had somehow told Esposito before she'd even told him, he suggested, "Why don't I call Ryan and you can call Lanie? Maybe we can all do breakfast together tomorrow. Unless..." He faltered, "...unless you're busy?"

The thought of letting her out of his sight terrified him. Castle had not thought much beyond the here and now of being in her presence once again. And Kate herself had given away little as to her future plans. Her apartment had surely been rented out by now. He had paid the rent for the first year but finally let it go at everyone's urging, although he had made sure her remaining things were moved to storage. Likely she planned to stay with her father, but... he couldn't bear to let her leave.

Whatever other fears Castle may have had were dispelled as she answered easily, "No, I'm all yours."

Her telephone conversation with Lanie reminded him of the cartoons with the high-pitched voices Alexis had watched as a child as the medical examiner shouting excitedly over the line. Thirty minutes of 'girl talk' earned Lanie a bit more information than he had managed to glean, and Castle wondered if perhaps she shouldn't begin a new career as a detective.

One such snippet included the fact that Kate had maintained intermittent contact with one person in their small circle - Javier Esposito. From the little he overheard (_not_ eavesdropping, he told himself firmly), the two former colleagues met a couple of times during her time away, allowing him to update her on events and bring her requested items. When forced to explain her favoritism to Lanie, Kate revealed that the detective had managed to find _her_ the first time and blackmailed her into the deal on the condition that he not tell anyone. Hearing Lanie's anger at Esposito's lack of candor on the subject, Castle decided that he did not envy the detective.

When Castle called Ryan, he expected fewer dramatics at the news of Kate's return. He was wrong.

"_Oh my God, she's back? Where has she been? Is she okay? Did she find the guy? Is she at your place - Jenny, Beckett's back! Can we come see her? Jenny, get dressed, we're going over to Castle's to see Beckett-_"

It took ten minutes for him to convince Ryan to postpone the reunion until breakfast the next morning, followed by another ten minutes of fielding questions he simply had no answer to. Finally, fresh from her conversation with Lanie, Kate took the phone from him and said, "Hey, Ryan, how's it going...? Yeah, it's good to be back. I really missed you guys, too... I know... Well, would it be okay if we saw you tomorrow? I've had kind of a long day and... Yeah, breakfast would be great... Yeah, perfect. See you then. Tell Jenny hello for me... Bye, Ryan."

She grinned at Castle as she hung up the phone. "I think he missed me."

"We all missed you," he answered softly. Unable to resist the sight of her, he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms once again.

"I missed you, too," Kate confided as she clung to him with undeniable desperation. "So much. You have no idea, Rick."

His name coming from her lips both startled and amazed him. "I think I should pinch myself," he remarked. "Make sure I'm not dreaming."

On cue, nimble fingers closed on a bit of skin at his side, causing him to jump. "Hey!" he exclaimed with false indignation.

"I know dreams, and this isn't a dream," she pointed out.

Kate stayed at the loft that night. Her offer to go to a hotel was met with a swift and unequivocal refusal from Castle, and she made no effort to hide her relief.

And while he offered her the guest room, somehow they ended up in his bed together, both too tired to do anything more intimate than fall asleep in each other's arms. She woke once to go to the bathroom, hoping to find some over-the-counter pain relievers as her side had begun to hurt once more. However, the moment she disentangled herself from his grasp, Castle automatically reached for her. While Kate assured him she would return in moments, he did not fall back asleep until she had done so and he could assure himself of her presence by physical touch. The feel of him wrapped around her did more to dispel the pain than any pharmaceutical.

The next time she awoke was from a nightmare.

* * *

18 months earlier… (about 6 months after Kate left)

_Dark and seemingly devoid of all life, the deserted alley gave Esposito the creeps, and he was a difficult man to ruffle. Of course, the spot was deliberately chosen for its seclusion, but he wished there was at least a street lamp nearby to dispel some of the shadows._

_He knew he hadn't been followed, but he checked behind him again just in case. Never could be too careful these days, especially since no one knew where he was. That had been condition number one of this meeting - tell no one. Condition two had been the location. And condition three he had in small backpack in his left hand._

_About ten minutes after his arrival, a shadow separated from the darkness cast by a lonely dumpster halfway down the alley and it moved towards him. But even in the dim light, he recognized the familiar gate._

_"Hey, Espo," Beckett said softly as she approached._

_"Nice hair," he responded. The short blond wig she wore fit under a stylish hat, and the heavy makeup made her look younger. Had she been wearing sunglasses, he could have passed right by her on the street without an inkling of recognition._

_"Yeah, I hate it," she answered with a laugh, then became more serious. "Thanks for coming."_

_"I'm just glad I was finally able to track you down."_

_His comment prompted her to fidget nervously and glance around, as though worried if he could find her, anyone could._

_"It definitely wasn't easy," Esposito assured her, taking a careful step towards her, as though she were some sort of wild animal. "And I made sure no one else can find you the same way."_

_She nodded a thank you at his assurance, and after allowing him to approach even closer, she moved with urgency to meet him. He grabbed Beckett up in a tight, fierce hug which almost lifted her off the ground and she returned it with quiet desperation. As friends and coworkers, they had never shown much physical affection, but he could tell by how tightly she held onto him that he was probably the only person she trusted that she'd been in contact with for six months._

_"We have been so worried about you," he told her, and then demanded, "What the hell were you thinking taking off like that?"_

_"You know why, Espo."_

_He let her go but kept her within reach, just in case. He was still half tempted to ignore the deal they had made and bring her in. But fear for her safety combined with fear for his own should she fight back kept him from acting. Besides, he understood her motives, even if he didn't agree with her handling of the situation._

_"Castle's going nuts. You know that, right?"_

_Nodding, Beckett had the good grace to look guilty. But then she fixed him with a warning stare. "You can't tell him you saw me."_

_"Not even to let him know you're okay?" he demanded, incredulous._

_But she was already shaking her head. "I don't want him to come looking for me."_

_"But-"_

_"No, Espo. You can't tell him. He's too much of a target as it is." She had begun shaking, whether from the chilly night or fear, he wasn't sure. "Besides, I've already been gone so long and still haven't found this guy. I don't want to interrupt his life like that. It isn't fair."_

_Esposito had always suspected that she had feelings for the writer, but the depths of those feelings had never before been confirmed so readily. _

_"How is he, anyway?" she asked. _

_"No, _that's_ not fair. You don't get to ask that," he responded, a little angry. "If I can't tell him about you, then you don't get to know about him."_

_He expected her to argue, to push for the information, but instead she only nodded slightly. She blinked rapidly as though fighting back tears, and Esposito reminded himself that the last time she'd seen Castle was in the hospital after he was shot. He hoped that if she wanted to know about Castle badly enough, he could barter those details for permission to tell the writer she was okay. But she just seemed to accept the condition._

_"Here," he said, holding out the backpack he'd brought. "You said you needed some fake ID's. These were done by a guy who does some stuff for my buddy over in vice."_

_Opening the bag, she pulled out a stack of items - drivers licenses, a couple of burner cell phones, pre-paid phone cards, and even a small concealed carry firearm. Beckett smiled at him in appreciation, having only requested some fake identifications which would hold up against real scrutiny. "Espo, you're the best."_

_"Well, Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas, take your pick," he responded._

_Leafing through the drivers licenses, she nodded in approval, then stopped as she read them more closely. "Tammy Knight? Martha Queens? Susan Bishop-Smith?"_

_She shot him a look bordering on annoyance, but the detective simply shrugged. "What? He asked me for names. Those just popped to mind." And he hadn't used Rook, although he had been sorely tempted._

_"Regina Alexander?"_

_"Okay, that one was to mess with you."_

_Beckett rolled her eyes but pocketed the ID's without further comment on the names. "I really appreciate this, Espo."_

_"Yeah, well, if you get into trouble, you know you can always call me. Or just come back. You don't have to be out here on your own."_

_She looked so alone, standing there in the blond wig holding the backpack full of precious resources, so lost and afraid. _

_"I'll be back when I catch him," Beckett said, although the words sounded more confident than her voice. She reached out to give him another hug, this one as hard as the first, but she quickly pulled away again. _

_She was already walking down the alley in the opposite direction as he called out, "I'll see you in a few months, just like we talked about!" _

_Holding up a hand in acknowledgment, she did not turn as she continued to walk away, disappearing back into the shadows of the city._

* * *

_tbc_


	4. The Hurt

**Summary**: When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed? AU

**A/N**: This chapter is a little flashback heavy. Again, flashbacks are in italics. I hope folks are enjoying the story despite the angstiness, and thank you so much for the reviews and the story alerts. Reviews are awesome! I am not a man, so apparently I can use that word.

On an unrelated note, special thanks to the reviewer who let me know a different story of mine had been copied by someone and re-posted with names changed in a different fandom. The plagiarized story is down, as well as two others that were stolen from other writers. Thank you again.

* * *

Chapter 4: The Hurt

The next time she awoke was from a nightmare.

* * *

One week earlier…

_She glared at him in his two thousand dollar suit, wearing an insufferable smirk. The man who killed her mother and tried every way he could to destroy her life. The man who was supposed to represent the people and their interest, but instead had been using his position and power for years to pursue his own interests._

_Drew Philipson, New York state senator with aspirations for the governorship, had a relatively straight-forward history. After getting his certification as an emergency medical technician, he'd moved into a position as a firefighter in the city. It was as a firefighter that he'd likely met Raglan and McCallister – possibly one night at a bar or even out on a call – and just like that, a conniving, corrupt, blackmailer was born, leaving bodies and blood and a lifetime of pain in his wake._

_"I know exactly who you are and what you've done," she told him, seething with anger. "And I'm going to expose you."_

_He shook his head at her. "No you're not. You don't have the stomach for it."_

_Kate quirked an eyebrow at him. "You don't think so?"_

_"Not when I tell you that when your precious cop buddies come to arrest me, the first think I will do, my first phone call, will be to have your writer friend killed. And I'll make sure they do it right this time."_

_Terror twisted her stomach into a knot as she considered his words. He certainly knew exactly how to get to her._

_"You know I can do it," he went on. "One word from me and I will have him shot in his bed. Or better yet, his whole family. What's the girl's name, Alex or something? And the actress-mother. I'll have them all killed, Kate. And there's nothing you can do to stop me."_

_"I can shoot you right now," she observed, making sure the sight was lined up with his center mass._

_"Sure you could. You could shoot me, an unarmed man, in my own home. But you're not a cop anymore, Kate, and you broke into _my_ home. Your life would be ruined. Even if you could prove _anything_, you'd still be charged with murder."_

_Every word he said was true. Killing him would likely earn her a lengthy prison sentence, no matter her reasons. But after so many years buried under the weight of her mother's murder, after so much time spent chasing him, maybe it was worth it._

_"Even if you kill me, my associates will still go after everyone you hold dear. Put down the gun, Kate," Philipson said, warning in his voice. "Put down the gun, and I won't kill Richard Castle, or your father, or those detectives you used to work with. Put it down now, and I'll make sure you don't feel a thing."_

* * *

"Kate! Kate!" a familiar voice exclaimed in time with the hands roughly shaking her. As her eyes opened, the dream faded into memory, easily replaced by the image of Castle's terrified eyes and the feel of his touch on her upper arms.

"What's wrong?" she asked, quickly searching the room for a threat, the dream still fresh in her mind.

Hearing her question, he let go of her and explained sheepishly, "You were having a nightmare."

Taking a breath, she nodded. It was fading quickly, but she knew what the dream was about, the images of the gun, Philipson's evil eyes, and a flash of Castle lying in that hospital bed still fresh in her mind. "Bad one?" she inquired.

"I'd say. You were screaming and thrashing around. I had a hard time waking you up." Castle's concern touched her deeply. No one had woken her up from a bad dream in a very long time, and she felt thankful to have been released from this one.

"Did I hit you?" she asked, remembering a night long ago when she had accidentally clocked an ex-boyfriend in the middle of a particularly vivid dream. That relationship had ended quickly.

"Maybe," he said with uncertainty, obviously too concerned to care. "But you weren't trying to. It's like you were trying to escape from some-" He stopped speaking, his eyes focused on her abdomen. "Kate, you're bleeding."

A quick look for hers midsection confirmed his words - a spot of blood stained the t-shirt she had borrowed from him the night before to sleep in.

"Must have pulled my stitches," Kate muttered, the pain finally registering. Seeing the stricken look on his face, she assured him, "I'll be fine."

She may as well have announced she was swimming across the ocean to Europe. Or flying to the moon. Under her own power.

"I'm taking you to the hospital."

"Castle, I'm sure it's nothing. I'll go in the morning-"

But he was already out of bed and pulling on a pair of pants. He grabbed two shoes at random, pulling them on without even a thought of socks.

Kate tried to convince him she was okay, although a quick glance at the wound in the bathroom confirmed that she had indeed pulled some of her stitches, probably during her nightmare. The wound bled some, but she was able to bandage it with gauze she found in a first aid kit under the sink.

But Castle would hear none of her refusals. He had her minimally dressed and bundled into a cab destined for the emergency room within minutes.

* * *

About 15 months earlier (or 9 months after Kate left)…

_As he wrote out yet another fat check to Bruce Robins, Private Investigator, Castle was never so grateful to have vast personal wealth at his disposal. Standing five feet six inches in a well tailored suit, Robins looked no more intimidating or street smart than your average investment banker. But the man defied stereotype and had came with the best recommendations. Were he in a creative mood, Castle would have immediately found a way to work his likeness into a book. _

_"As I've already told you, Mr. Castle, we have exhausted our typical methods of locating people," Robins said evenly. "I still have a few tricks up my sleeve, things I wouldn't do for just any ordinary client, but you really should prepare yourself for the worst..."_

_Anger immediately flared up, and Castle felt it course through him only to localize into a dull ache at the site of the gunshot wound. His shoulder had long since healed, leaving the scar to fade to a dull pink, and at least one plastic surgeon had promised to be able to remove almost all sign of it. But he didn't want it gone. If anything, he wanted it to hurt more, to burn with that old pain. Maybe then he could distract himself from the non physical pain of Kate's absence._

_"Use every trick," he informed the man bluntly. "I don't care how much it costs, how many people you have to talk to. Do whatever you have to do. Just find her. You already know about the bonus I'm offering."_

_Robins nodded. Each of the private investigators he'd hired knew about the bonus promised if Kate was found, a number with more zeros than was probably smart. But Castle didn't care. He'd pay whatever it took._

_After dismissing the man, he poured himself a drink and shut the door to his office. But his mother must have seen Robins leave as she stuck her head in just a second later. _

_"Richard," she admonished, seeing the glass of scotch in his hand. "It's ten o'clock in the morning."_

_He shot her an angry glare and observed, "Mother, you are the last person who should be lecturing me about alcohol."_

_She let the slight roll off her, having weathered a lifetime of such jibes. "Burying yourself in a bottle isn't going to solve anything. It won't bring Beckett back and it won't make you feel better."_

_As always, she had a point. Of course, having run out of all useful avenues toward the former and having exhausted all other attempts at the ladder, a stiff drink could sometimes just dull everything enough to take the edge off. Castle knew he was flirting with addiction, and while he understood how Kate would feel about it, having gone through that nightmare with her father, part of him wanted to punish her. He wanted to scream out to her and say, "See! This is what you've done to me!"_

_But even more than that, more than anything, he wanted to see her again - safe and home. More than his anger at her, the guilt of her absence gnawed at him. She left not knowing, not for a moment considering, that _he_ was responsible for putting _himself_ in harm's way. Kate had no idea he was still investigating her mother's murder and had been in contact with Mr. Smith. Instead, because of his silence and his secret, she took the blame of his injury on herself. _

_So, in addition to re-opening her mother's case and all those old wounds, he had not only been directly responsible for her getting shot and almost killed, but because of his continued interference, she was now completely gone. _

_Suddenly even alcohol seemed too good of a respite for him._

_Castle pushed the glass away and looked back at his mother, who gave him a kindly smile full of pity. "Maybe you should go down to the station and see if there's a murder you can help with?" she suggested._

_Two days before she had prompted him to do some writing to take his mind off things, and he had bitten her head off. A week before that had been an offer to set him up on a blind date, which he dismissed out of hand. She certainly was persistent._

_He just had no interest in murders anymore. He had very little interest in anything, actually. _

_After giving his mother a non-committal response on going to the precinct but agreeing to leave the apartment for a few hours, he found himself on the street outside his building, just walking. The buildings stared down at him, so tall and full of windows. But Castle pushed away the fear and forced his legs to continue walking forward, blindly._

_Time passed and he kept walking. He didn't realize where he was going until he arrived outside her building. He had only been to her apartment a handful of times since he left the hospital, and the first time he talked the super into extending the lease despite Kate having canceled it. He also kept her possessions from being thrown out or donated to charity._

_As Castle entered her apartment, he allowed himself to bask in the feeling of her space. The sight of her belongings and her furniture, arranged by her, soothed him more than a bottle of scotch ever had. That gnawing feeling was suddenly held at bay._

_He sat down on her couch and took slow, deep breaths in an effort to catch some lingering hint of her scent. The urge to go rifling through her closets and drawers in search of it swept over him, but he ignored it as voyeuristic and unworthy of her memory._

_Her memory._

_He shrank from the words, unwilling to even face the possibility the private investigators kept trying to bring up, that Kate might be dead._

_He refused to believe it. When the thought entered his head, Castle punished himself for it by entertaining how things would be different if the bullet which went through his shoulder had been a few inches over. If he had died, would Kate still have left? He felt certain she wouldn't have, although based on the level of guilt he read in her letter, she would have taken his death hard. On top of the death of her mother and Montgomery and her own shooting, his death may have completely broken her. _

_But she would be alive. She would be home, in this apartment, probably grieving his death. He could picture Kate on that very couch, curled into a ball and crying uncontrollably through the heartbreak and survivor's guilt. But she would be alive. _

_God, he missed her so much._

_Taking a deep breath, Castle pushed himself off the couch and walked to the door. He took one more look around Kate's empty apartment before leaving and locking the door once again behind him._

* * *

Either by luck or Castle's determination, the emergency room doctor saw her fairly quickly. Her wound was cleaned and re-sutured, with new bandages applied in short order, accompanied by a lecture on taking it easy by the doctor and a disapproving glance shot in Castle's direction, as if he was somehow the reason behind her pulled stitches. The doctor wrote her a new prescription for antibiotics as well as pain medication when she confessed to not having filled her prior one.

The only hiccup came when she went to check out and an administrator handed her the bill. Kate visibly blanched at the bottom line and mentally berated herself for letting Castle talk her into coming to the ER. Since quitting the NYPD, she had no insurance, and two years on her own had completely decimated her savings. She had no way to pay the bill, not even a working credit card.

But before she could say a word, Castle had already handed the woman his own credit card.

"Castle, no..." she began to protest, but he silenced her with a finger pressed to her lips.

"I've got this."

But she couldn't let him. Even before she'd left, Kate had always been independent. She paid her own bills. While her salary may have been meager compared to his substantial wealth, she prided herself on her self reliance and never taking anything from anyone, let alone him. Of course, that was not counting that daily cup of coffee… But she was certainly not a fortune hunter after him only for his money or fame. And having being so long apart, the thought of him seeing her in such a light was unthinkable.

"I'll pay you back," she promised as he signed the receipt.

"Don't worry about it." He turned to escort her out of the hospital before remarking, "Hey, we should probably get your prescriptions filled on the way home. I think there's a 24-hour pharmacy down the block."

Undeterred, she reiterated, "No, Castle, I'm telling you - I will pay you back."

"And I'm telling you not to worry about it." They made it to the street in short order and he was already hailing a cab, which, of course, he would pay for.

"Rick, listen to me -" she tried again, but he cut her off.

"No, you listen to me, Kate. You've just spent the last two years of your life doing God-knows-what to find the man who shot me, something you admit you did _for me_. You quit your job, you lost your apartment, you spent all your money, and you cut yourself off from every available resource..."

He took a breath, and she could tell he was close to tears. "He nearly _killed_ you. What is that worth? If it's so important that you pay me back for tonight, tell me what I should pay _you_ back for all that you've done to try and keep me safe, and I'll write you a check right now."

Confusion flowed over her. "I would never ask you for money..." The very suggestion of it offended her, as though anyone could put a price tag on his life. Or on hers.

But Castle nodded emphatically, getting even more worked up. "Exactly. And I would never ask you to repay me for an ER visit to have your stitches replaced after... after..."

His breath hitched in his throat as he took too many breaths in quick succession. The stress of the situation, plus whatever memories or images were coming to the forefront of his mind led his own words to stick in his throat.

Beginning to hyperventilate, Castle struggled to take in more air but couldn't manage it, leaving him to gasp loudly, his eyes betraying panic.

"Castle, calm down," Kate said, putting an arm around him as she led him to a nearby bench. She gently rubbed his back as she instructed, "Just breath. Deep breaths. It's okay, Castle, just breathe."

It took several minutes for him to start breathing normally, but she made no move to rush him. Not having intended to upset him so much, she simply held one of his hands while moving the other in circles on his back. Finally, when he had sufficiently regained himself, she listened as he spoke.

"I would have paid anything, Kate. Anything. When you were gone, I would have paid any amount to get you back. When the police refused to look for you, I hired a bunch of private detectives. The best I could find. The money didn't matter, Kate. Without you, nothing really mattered."

His anguish cut through her like a knife. "I'm sorry," she told him, truly meaning it. "I'm sorry I put you through that."

"I stopped looking when the last one told me you were probably dead." Remembering what he had said earlier, that he thought she had died, Kate stilled the motion of her hand on his back. Somehow, it didn't feel right to touch him, to offer him comfort, not when she had brought him such pain. But Castle continued on. "He said there was no trace of you. No money trail, no sightings of you. He said that considering what you were investigating, in all likelihood you were buried in an unmarked grave somewhere, another casualty of the man who murdered your mother."

Kate wished she could make up for the anguish she had caused him, the uncertainty, and the guilt. Maybe if she spent the rest of her life trying? Maybe she could bring him enough happiness to balance out the pain?

"I'm alive, Rick," she assured him, not sure when his first name had started coming to her so naturally. "I'm alive and you're alive, and we're finally back together." She forced herself to meet his eyes, even though her lower lip trembled. "I love you."

He gazed back at her, the strength of his love shining through in a way that made her blush at its intensity. She would never get tired of that look. "Really?" Castle asked.

Putting everything she had into the confession, Kate said tenderly, "I love you more than anything. I have for a long time."

She loved him enough to live without him for two years. She loved him enough to die for him.

Castle reached a hand out to cup her cheek, and then leaned forward to plant a shy, chaste kiss on her lips. His voice heavy with emotion, he asked, deadpan, "Do you love me enough to let me pay your hospital bill?"

The absurdity of his question lingered between them for a full second before she reacted, the laughter coming out of her unexpectedly. And then he started laughing with her. The two of them dissolved into mirth, each of them setting off the other in unstoppable waves of chuckles. As their laughter finally started to come to an end, she clutched her side where the doctor had just sewn her up again.

"Don't pull your stitches again," Castle warned and jokingly demanded, "Do you have any idea how expensive this ER is?"

His question set her off again into a fit of giggles. Between breaths, she said, "We should have just called Lanie. She's a medical doctor. Of course, I can't vouch for her bedside manner..."

But the humor of the moment had subsided, and he was staring at her again, this time with an unexpected intensity. "I had almost forgotten how beautiful you are."

The unexpected compliment through her off balance and Kate hoped the blush that tinted her skin was not too obvious. "This one time, you may pay my hospital bill," she allowed. His eyes lit up, and she repeated, "This one time.

"Well, with any luck, we won't have need of a hospital any time soon," Castle stated as he stood up from the bench and pulled her with him. "Lets get that prescription filled then get you home to bed. I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted."

* * *

Also about 15 months earlier (or 9 months after Kate left)…

_Somewhere close by, Kate was sitting in a coffee shop nursing a cup of tea. Or rather, she was letting the tea cool rapidly, too nauseated by the smell of coffee in the small cafe to take more than a couple of sips. She missed coffee, she did. It had been part of her existence for so long, but ever since that day at the hospital, she just associated it with Castle's shooting. And tea was certainly no substitute._

_Knowing she should leave, that there were far better things for her to be doing, she once again glanced out the window. Still no Castle._

_She just wanted a glimpse, nothing more, only to see if he was okay. While she knew the newspapers would report it if anything serious happened to him, she just wanted to reassure herself of his continued existence. She knew the likelihood of spotting him on the street was small - he didn't seem to keep regular hours anymore. But Kate knew he sometimes walked this way when he didn't drive or catch a cab. _

_She had only seen him once in the months since their separation, on the day he was discharged from the hospital. It was unforgivably voyeuristic, she knew, but she couldn't help herself. Besides, Esposito had made it very clear that she would not be getting any information from him._

_After another ten minutes, she decided that it was a lost cause. Throwing away her cold tea, she was glad of the fresh air outside as she left the cafe._

_As she walked down the street to the nearest subway station, Kate wondered for the hundredth time if she was doing the right thing. Investigating her mother's murder so covertly and without police resources was proving to be slow and protracted, like a lingering death. For someone used to instantly following up leads and having databases of information at her fingertips, this stealthy search was agonizing._

_Taking a deep breath, she once again reminded herself of her motives for initiating this hellish separation. Castle's life was at stake, perhaps even the lives of his family. And he was worth the loneliness and the depression, the long, dull days of no progress and the cold, nightmare-filled nights in an empty bed. Because every day she stayed away from him was another day he was breathing, another day he got to spend time with his daughter, or entertain the world with his stories. _

_She just wished she could see him again, even if only a half-second glimpse. His picture rarely made the newspapers or the tabloids any more and she'd read rumors that he may or may not be writing another Nikki Heat book. Selfishly, she wished he would. After all, she had been a fan before they'd even met, and she remained a fan. She'd bought her copy of _Frozen Heat_ the same day it came out and immediately read it cover to cover._

_Lost in thought, Kate paid the subway toll and moved through the turnstiles on her way to the platform. She was wondering if it would be too dangerous to try and spy in Castle's windows at the loft when the train arrived, the noise barely registering in her brain. She was already considering how she could get into the building across the street from his when she stepped through the sliding doors. The car was packed with no seats available, so she remained standing and held onto one of the metal poles._

_She was looking out the still-open doors, impatient for the train to be on its way so she could get back to that dingy hotel room she currently called home, when she saw him._

_Castle._

_He was standing there on the platform, not twenty feet away from her, apparently waiting for another train. _

_His jacket hung on him a little loosely, as though he had lost weight, but otherwise, he looked just the same. Recovered from the shooting. Healthy. He looked so good, if not a little sad. Tears sprang to Kate's eyes at the sight of him, like the answer to a prayer. _

_And then he turned slightly, and he saw _her_._

_Kate froze, suddenly understanding exactly how a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car must feel. He was staring right at her, through the open subway doors and across the distance of the platform. She momentarily forgot that her appearance was much different now - a blonde wig and heavy eye makeup paired with a pair of wire rimmed glasses she didn't really need. But Castle was still looking at her, a little contemplative._

_A moment later, actual recognition registered in his eyes, and he took a step forward. She could see her name forming on his lips - a question, perhaps, or maybe a plea. _

_It was the same moment the subway train doors chose to close, cutting them off. But Castle kept moving, walking towards the train, and Kate forced herself to look away. Cursing herself for wishing for this chance encounter, she hoped he would dismiss it as his imagination. It would do no good for him to see her, to know it was her. She couldn't do that to him any more than she could let Esposito give him news of her. _

_By the time she looked back up, the train had begun to move and the platform was gone. _

_Castle was gone._

_Surrounded by strangers in that noisy, crowded subway car, no one noticed the tears running down Kate's face._

* * *

tbc


	5. The Reunion

**Summary**: When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed? AU

**A/N**: This chapter has a little bit of violence. I wouldn't rate it over T, but FYI.

As always, thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate the positive feedback. I would make a comparison of reviews to chocolate, but let's face it, reviews are really like potato chips. Once you have one, you want more.

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Reunion**

By the time they finished at the 24-hour pharmacy and arrived back at his loft, they only had a few hours to sleep before meeting Lanie and the boys for breakfast as they'd arranged the night before. Or rather, Kate slept. Castle spent the time watching over her, too unnerved by earlier events to indulge in slumber himself.

He also took the opportunity to send text messages to Alexis and his mother, the former he knew would not mind being awoken and the latter on vacation in the Caribbean with her boyfriend. Of course, his texts produced unexpected results as Alexis promptly called him back and demanded a detailed accounting of Kate's return.

Not wanting to wake the sleeping former detective, he slipped out of the bedroom and into his office before giving a full report of the night to his daughter. From the beginning she had a different take on Kate's disappearance than he had. While Alexis would never have wished the detective come to any harm, she certainly approved of any action that would keep her father safe.

"_How is she?"_ the young woman asked, the concern in her voice clear even over the telephone.

"She's okay," Castle answered, unsure whether he should relate the story of Kate's injury. "A little banged up, but she's okay. She's sleeping now."

"_And the man she went after, did she… did she find him?"_

He knew she wanted to ask if the man was dead. Part of her probably wanted to know what he had originally suspected, if Kate had killed him herself.

"She found him. He's dead." Saying the words proved so cathartic, he wished he could scream them from the rooftops. "It was an accident," he added, not wanting his daughter to think Kate had assassinated the murderer in his bed. "He tried to shoot Kate with an old firearm, but it blew up in his face. Literally."

Even over the phone, he could imagine her expression of surprise. _"Wow,"_ Alexis remarked. _"You so have to put that in your next book."_

The thought had occurred to him. But every time he tried to picture the details, to see Philipson hunting Kate down to kill her, it made him queasy. When his mind's eye showed him the aftermath, the man dead or near death, and Kate just a few feet away losing so much blood…

"We'll see," he said succinctly. "I should let you go. You college students need all the sleep you can get."

Before getting off the phone, Alexis insisted on making plans to come over the next evening for dinner and to see Kate. After everything that had happened the previous night, Castle had no qualms about making the date, understanding his daughter's need to see her and really believe she was back.

Kate slept well into the morning, waking only when he brought her a cup of tea. He had begun to make her coffee, but noting the change of beverage from the night before, he switched to a caffeinated black tea he remembered his mother having bought months before and then burying in the back of a cupboard. For himself, he made a cup of coffee.

Blinking lazily at him from amid the covers of his bed, Kate's eyes lit up upon sight of the steaming beverage. She automatically attempted to stretch as she sat up, but stopped short when the pain made itself known again.

"You need to be careful," Castle chided her as he handed over the steaming mug, keeping the cup of coffee for himself.

"I know, I keep forgetting about it. What time is it?"

They still had an hour before meeting Lanie and the guys at a diner near the precinct. Instead of rushing to get dressed and out the door, they took their leisurely time. Castle found himself cracking jokes, telling little stories from her time away, and periodically reaching out to touch her, as though to reassure himself that she was there.

Kate seemed freer, somehow. She had always laughed at his jokes readily enough, but now she made no show of hiding her own affection. As she scooted to the edge of the bed, she leaned forward to give him a quick kiss on the lips, interrupting a silly story about a noisy neighbor he suspected might be a serial killer.

"What was that for?" he asked, watching her sit back and smile at him like the proverbial cat that ate the canary.

"For being you."

She smiled at him, that 100-watt Kate Beckett smile he remembered lighting up a room, and almost forgot the question he had intended to ask her.

"Hey, so, I've been meaning to ask you… when did you stop drinking coffee?"

Instantly, her smile disappeared, and Castle regretted making the inquiry. He had only intended to get a glimpse into her life away, to the things about her which had changed. He hadn't meant to bring up bad memories.

Kate hesitated before answering, but after a moment forced herself to answer. "The day you were shot, you were going to get coffee." He nodded, remembering that morning rather well. "You were going to get _me_ coffee," she added.

For a moment, Castle did not follow her. He could not quite connect the dots. But after watching her take a sip of the hot tea and noticing that she did not have the same reaction to it as she used to have to coffee, the synapses in his brain began firing and he suddenly understood.

"You haven't had coffee since that day?" he asked, incredulous.

"I can't… just the smell of it makes me sick," she admitted.

Nearly at a loss for words, Castle pointed out, "But you… love coffee."

Kate shrugged. "Things change. People change." Perhaps reacting to attempt to conceal an expression of fear and doubt, she added, "Coffee is… it's not just a drink to me, any more. I can't help but think that if you hadn't been on your way… if you had just come into the precinct…" Another glance at him cut off whatever she had been about to say. "Never mind. It's silly."

"Please tell me." He felt his heart in his throat as he said the words.

She took a deep breath before answering. "Rick, you almost died getting me coffee." He tried to contradict her, to point out how easily that bullet could have hit him at any point in his day, but she already understood his argument before he voiced it. "I know, I know, it's silly. I just… There are so many things I regret, about that day, about before… If I hadn't been addicted to coffee, maybe it wouldn't have happened. Maybe it wouldn't have been as easy to track your daily routine." She sighed, unable to articulate the sentiment further.

"Kate, you need to know something," he told her, in complete seriousness. "If I hadn't stopped to get _you_ coffee, I still would have stopped to get it for myself."

"Rick-"

"No, this is important. I wasn't shot getting _you_ coffee. I was just getting coffee." He looked her dead in the eyes. "I love coffee. And so do you."

He was still holding his cup of coffee, and he held it out for her. She sniffed it hesitantly, and instantly scrunched up her nose at the aroma. "I don't think so…"

"Just take a sip," Castle insisted, handing her the cup. He settled it into her palms, letting the warmth of it relax her hands. He could tell she had doubts, but she did as requested, touching the rim of the mug to her lips for just a moment. "Well?" he asked her.

"It's good."

"That's it?"

Kate forced a smile, but he could tell the intent behind it to be genuine. "These things take time," she said. But then she took a second sip, and he could see her savoring the flavor on her tongue before swallowing and handing the mug back to him.

"We can take as much time as you need, Kate."

* * *

One week earlier…

"_Put it down now, and I'll make sure you don't feel a thing."_

_After so many years, so many tears and blood and pain, it all came down to this moment, this monster of a person, and her. She could kill Philipson, certainly, but she would be arrested and completely unable to protect Castle from whomever Philipson sent after him. But if she let him go, if she just gave up, her mother would go unavenged._

_The image of Castle lying in that hospital bed came back to her, the machines beeping in time with his heart rate. Kate remembered her nightmare from that night at the hospital, one of the many that plagued her dreams almost every night, no matter where she was. Castle dead, dying, or hurt. How could she risk it?_

_With tears in her eyes, Kate removed the magazine and let the gun drop from her hand. She tossed the magazine in the other direction, not wanting him to have a loaded gun so close at hand. Philipson stood up from the desk and she watched him with wary eyes. He picked up his cell phone and hit a button before moving around the desk towards her. She glanced at the gun on the floor by her side, then at him as he did the same thing._

_Addressing the person on the other end of the phone line, he said simply, "She's here. Get over here and take care of her."_

_He spoke with authority, like a man who expected people to do what he commanded. And the malevolent gaze he leveled at her said he expected her to do the same. He expected her to stand there and wait for someone to collect her, to "take care of her," probably somewhere remote involving a shallow grave._

_The injustice of it was simply too much. She wanted to protect Castle, but she couldn't just stand by and let this man have her killed, not when he had already done so much to destroy her life._

_As soon as he hung up the cell phone, her hand shot out like lightening, knocking it from his grip as she aimed a kick to his stomach. But he was strong, and he had also been trained in unarmed combat, and he managed to block most of the force of the kick. He struck back with a closed fist, which she was barely able to dodge._

_The resulting fight was fast and dirty with neither of them holding anything back. Kate wasn't sure what she intended, whether to kill him or just subdue him, but as he fought back, it quickly became apparent that she would be lucky to accomplish either. She had almost forgotten that the senator was a former firefighter and had the mass to match. She almost managed to get away from him when he grabbed her around the waist and sent her smashing to the floor._

_Not one to be bested, she used the momentum to pull her with him, and took advantage of gravity to make sure he landed none too gently on her raised knee. Unfortunately, the fall took the wind out of her, and she gasped for breath a moment too long, letting him get hold of her._

_He grabbed a handful of her hair and used it to hit her head against the wood floor - hard. But as he moved to put both hands around her neck, Kate yanked her knee up again, this time being strategic in her placement of it. His groan of pain was enough to let her know she'd hit her intended target, and in his surprise she pushed him off the top of her._

_But as she scrambled to get up and away, he grabbed her ankle and yanked her backwards. Instead of letting the motion lose her balance, she used same foot to kick at him, landing a glancing blow to the side of his head. _

_Their fight continued across the room with Kate almost managing to get away several times. Finally, she thought she'd come to the end of it when he had her on her back again, his legs pinning hers and his arms holding her down. And then, somehow, he had a gun in hand. Looking up, she realized he must have taken it from one of the shelves they were near. Who kept a gun on a shelf?_

_Except, it wasn't a typical firearm. The barrel was longer and the stock was made of well-oiled wood. An antique, perhaps, that he'd had on display? The thing had to be at least a hundred years old. But judging by its good condition, it was entirely possible that it still worked. _

_"Well, detective," the man spoke angrily, "That wasn't very smart, was it?"_

_He pulled back the hammer on the ancient weapon, and Kate knew that it had to be loaded. She wondered how the impact would feel, if it would be different from the sniper bullet that took her down in the cemetery. Would the blast kill her immediately, or would she be left to bleed out on this devil's floor? _

_"Goodnight, Kate. Sleep tight and know that as soon as I kill you, I'm making sure my associate takes out your loverboy and his entire family."_

_Without thinking, she lunged at him, knocking him off balance enough to allow her to get herself free. But she didn't get far before she heard the click of the trigger. Except... nothing happened. Glancing up at Philipson, she could not believe her luck. The gun hadn't fired. They were back on even footing. _

_Angrily, Philipson looked at the gun, then aimed it at her once more before pulling the trigger a second time. The loud report from the gun, echoing even louder in the wood paneled office. The sound was magnified even further by the small explosion emanating from the chamber. The force of the misfire tore the old firearm to pieces, flinging shards of metal in all directions._

* * *

Breakfast with Lanie, Jenny and the guys proved a more emotional reunion than Kate would have suspected. Each of them greeted her with a hug, and then they sat down in a booth to catch up. She decided that being questioned by two detectives and a medical examiner was not the easiest of situations, but she owed them all explanations.

Telling the story she had already told Castle, she realized that it was easier the second time. She still glossed over the parts she was not ready to share, but no one pressed her about it. For his part, Castle sat stoically beside her, occasionally interjecting an answer he already knew but for the most part simply giving her his silent support.

She explained her theory that the killer was not a police officer but rather worked in other emergency services such as a paramedic or firefighter. Kate had spent three months working undercover in Albany at the state records office, searching through certifications and applications in her spare time, until she finally whittled it down to a few possibilities. And of those, only one had the money, power, and connections to orchestrate breaking Lockwood out of a courthouse, her shooting in a cemetery, and Castle's shooting on a city street.

Of course, finding him had only been half the problem. Getting to him, without anyone tipping him off, and finding proof of his involvement – that was the hard part.

He lived in a mansion upstate with state-of-the-art security equipment. She suspected that any remaining proof against him would be hidden there. But no judge would issue a warrant on the circumstantial information she had gathered. So to get access, Kate abandoned her state records job in favor of a new identity to get a position with the security company. After working at the security company for several months, she finally got access to their computer system and, most importantly, the pass codes to access Philipson's property.

"If it wasn't for the fake ID's and backgrounds Espo got me, I never would have made it through," Kate concluded, giving only a brief account of her struggle with Philipson before the gun went off.

"And what about his… associates?" Jenny asked, concern still written on her face.

Esposito responded first. "I actually talked to the Albany police this morning, and they're going to be making some arrests this week. They've been going over the files Kate found at Philipson's house and figuring out who was part of the conspiracy."

Nodding, Kate added, "And they arrested the man they think Philipson hired to shoot me and Castle that night. He had just pulled into the driveway when the police arrived."

When she was done, Esposito summed it up for all of them. "So, it's over."

Kate nodded in confirmation. "It's over."

Reaching for his coffee cup, Ryan lifted it to eye level and said, "A toast." They all followed suit by lifting their own mugs. "To it being over."

"Here, here!"

Their glasses clinked in celebration, and they proceeded to catch up on some of their life events– Ryan and Jenny were trying for a baby and Lanie and Esposito were living together. Gates was still captain, and there were a few new faces down at the station. While life had gone on during her absence, a sort of anticipatory weight had been lifted from all of them.

"So are you going to come back to the precinct?" Ryan asked, probably not intending the question to be as blunt as it sounded.

Kate shrugged lightly in response. "I don't know yet. I think I need some time to sort some stuff out." She glanced at Castle meaningfully. "Besides, I don't even know if Gates would take me back."

This time, Esposito spoke up. "She will," he stated with certainty. Everyone turned to him in unison with questioning eyes. "What? She mentioned just last week that our case closure rate is down and she missed having Beckett around."

Changing the subject, Lanie said pointedly, "What I want to know is why the only one of us you contacted while you were gone was Javi."

As everyone turned back to focus on her, she shot the medical examiner a mock glare before explaining, "I didn't want to put anyone else at risk. And I only met up with Espo at all because he threatened to tell everyone where I was."

"And I didn't tell anyone because she threatened to shoot me," Esposito added.

"About that," Castle said, looking very serious at Esposito, "You and I will be having words, my friend." While he now knew that she'd met with the Hispanic detective to get fake identifications and backgrounds, he still could not believe the man would not tell him how Kate was or at least that she was still alive out there somewhere.

"I'm sorry about not telling you, bro, but it was the only way I could get her to meet with me." Esposito proposed, "I'll tell you what - I'll let you have two swings at me. One for not yanking her back in-" He chucked a thumb in Kate's direction, "-and one for me not telling you."

Castle stared at him, wanting to let the situation die down with levity, but having a hard time letting it go. "Two swings? Is that all you've got?"

He shrugged in response, then raised the stakes to, "And a favor."

"Just one?"

"One Beckett-sized favor."

"'Beckett-sized' as in moving a body or destroying evidence favor?" Castle pursued.

Kate protested, "Hey!" but the two men ignored her.

"Hey, bro," Esposito warned, looking around at the restaurant. "Not in public, okay? But we'll talk."

Considering this for a moment, Castle realized that everyone else was watching him. Kate had begun to bite her lower lip, obviously upset about this rift she had caused between two friends. Just as she was about to say something else, he addressed Esposito, "Okay, it's a deal. Two swings and a Beckett-sized favor. And don't think I'm going easy on you with the swings."

Lanie was staring at Esposito with an expression of profound irritation and disbelief. "What?" he asked her. She just raised her eyebrows and nodded towards the table, indicating his conversation with Castle. Esposito shrugged slightly and said, "I promised him two _swings_, not two hits. Don't worry about it."

They spent the rest of the meal catching up on everything Kate had missed while she made promises to have another group get-together very soon. Lanie also extracted a date to go shopping and to catch up on purely 'girl stuff,' which she said with a wink and a significant glance in Castle's direction.

* * *

About one year earlier…

_It was time._

_Everyone agreed, even Alexis, his mother, and Jim Beckett. Even Ryan and Esposito, who were so certain Kate was still out there that their steadfastness annoyed Castle – even they agreed that it was time._

_Letting go of Kate's apartment hadn't proved as hard as he thought it would be. No, it was the packing up of her possessions that really killed him. Even though she had clearly already done something with her most important and personal items, packaging up all the rest was an emotional endeavor. No one pointed it out, but to Castle, it felt like he was admitting the possibility that she wouldn't return._

_The guys helped him with the living room and kitchen items while they let Lanie pack up Kate's clothing and bathroom items. Besides the food in her cupboards, of which there was very little, Castle would not let them throw anything away, not even the half-empty shampoo bottles in the shower._

_Castle did notice that her copies of his books were gone. The shelf where they used to sit lay dust-filled and empty. So whatever she had done with them, Kate had deigned them important enough to make sure they were kept. _

_Once they were done with packing, moving men arrived to transport the boxes and furniture to long-term storage. Lanie had to go in for a call on a body drop, but the two detectives offered to take Castle out for a drink. He wasn't really in a drinking mood, but the offer of company was sorely needed._

_Two hours later, the three men sat on bar stools at the Old Haunt, exchanging Beckett stories._

_"And then she says, 'Go ahead. I need the practice.'" Castle laughed, still loving the line cribbed from Kate that he'd put into one of his books. The guys laughed as well, even though they'd heard the story before. Even though they'd been there when it happened._

_Esposito told one about her arresting a naked suspect who was so high on drugs he thought he was Zorro. The description of Kate's face had them all holding their sides when he was done._

_"I really miss her," Castle said after a while, looking down into the bottom of his drink as though he may find her there._

_"Me too," echoed Ryan wistfully. "She was just so… cool, you know? And smart. Like she was always five steps ahead of the rest of us. You were the only one who could keep up with her, Castle."_

_Esposito snorted a bit, then stated, "She's not dead. Stop acting like this is a wake. She's coming back."_

_"It's been a year," Ryan said softly. "A year and no word from her."_

_"When are we supposed to give up hope?" Castle asked. He thought for sure he'd seen her on that subway, but more and more, he wondered if his mind played tricks on him. She appeared often enough in his dreams, day dreams, and fantasies. Maybe his mind was conjuring her in his waking hours as well._

_Esposito said decisively, "Not yet."_

_"We just packed up her apartment," Ryan pointed out._

_"Guess she'll just have to find a new one when she gets back."_

_The three men sat in silence for a while, contemplating Esposito's declaration. _

_Finally, Ryan spoke again. "That's really going to annoy her."_

_"What?"_

_"Finding another apartment. You remember how much time she took trying to find this one after the last one blew up?"_

_"She's so picky sometimes."_

_"And you know we're never going to hear the end about that dish you broke, Ryan," Castle put in, referring to a dropped item while they were packing up her kitchen._

_Defensively, Ryan said, "Well you're not supposed to tell her. Let her figure it out. Maybe she'll have forgotten she even had the dish."_

_"She's a detective. She's going to figure it out..."_

_"Yeah, but she won't know it was me."_

_Esposito smiled to himself as the conversation turned away from reflective Beckett stories to prospective ones. Castle already seemed to be at the end of his rope with waiting, and even Ryan was starting to wonder if she'd ever come back. Unfortunately, there was no telling how much longer this separation would go on. And they all needed a little bit of hope._

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, so the gun exploding is unlikely, granted. But I'm a big advocate of karma.**


	6. The Spy

**Summary**: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?

**A/N**: Okay, this story will probably be going a little longer than the 6 chapters I originally anticipated, if folks are still interested in an angsty AU story. The ending I originally outlined didn't quite ring true, and I tried tweaking it, but... yeah, Castle and Beckett don't like making things easy, do they?

Please review and let me know what you think!

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Spy**

Nine months earlier…

_One of the things Kate loved about New York – and coincidentally one of the things she hated about it – was the anonymity. She was just one among millions. A face in the crowd, another in the sea of faces._

_But none of them knew her. None of them cared what happened to her. Well, a few of them did, but she had not seen those particular faces in quite a while._

_That morning, the depression and hopelessness had hit so hard, she almost couldn't force herself to get out of bed. She tried not to think about the last time she had actually touched another human being. Intentionally touched, she amended, deciding that brushes with strangers on the subway did not count._

_Espo. He had met with her a couple of months earlier, and he had hugged her for a long time as she just held on for dear life. Esposito was the last person she'd actually had real physical contact with. And she missed it._

_Who was Kate kidding? She missed him. She missed Castle. So much so that she sometimes could not breath._

_She had to resist the urge to cut his picture out of the paper when she saw it on page six the week before. Unwilling to become that kind of woman, she merely kept the section of paper with her the entire day, glancing at it and reading the caption underneath often. "Famous writer spotted at Black Pawn gala with longtime friend, Tracy Thorngate. Could it be love?"_

_Kate wondered the same thing – could it be love? Had he perhaps moved on from her, after all this time? Not that she would ever blame him considering how long she had been gone, but it still hurt. Perhaps as much as the gunshot._

_Progress in the investigation had stalled once again, although she had redoubled her commitment to personal security two days earlier when a neighbor at the low-rent motel she was staying at told her two men had been there looking for her. Two men. Castle's PI's usually only came in singles, so two men could be trouble. _

_She had immediately moved, using some of her carefully saved funds to change her appearance once again, this time to very short, jet-black hair. It reminded her of a hairstyle she had in college, but when she paired it with square framed reading glasses and padded clothing that bulked up her slender body, she looked nothing like that fresh-faced teenager from so long ago._

_As she lay in bed contemplating all the things she should be doing, Kate's mind once again turned to Castle. She'd read his latest book dozens of times. She wished he would write another one so she could have that insight into his mind, that connection to him. Montgomery had been so right about Castle – her life just wasn't as much fun without him._

_Starved for human contact, Kate made her way back out into the city, back into that sea of uncaring faces. She agonized over the decision, with money so tight, but in the end she bought the high-powered binoculars. _

_Having already staked out the building across the street from Castle's the week before, she moved with purpose as she approached the back alley. She knew from experience that people rarely challenge you when you look like you know where you are going. Keeping a close eye out to make sure she was not followed, Kate secured the binoculars around her neck and tucked them inside her jacket. _

_Ascending the fire escape quietly but quickly, Kate climbed with renewed purpose, almost tingling with anticipation. The night was cold and her jacket was not as warm as she would have preferred, but it didn't matter. If she had to choose between comfort and seeing Castle, she chose Castle. _

_Once on top of the roof, she checked to make sure she was alone and no building tenants were up there stargazing or having a chilly candle-lit picnic. Of course, the blowing wind would make any such activities less than pleasant and she found the roof to be deserted. Moving carefully to the edge, she found the best place to observe Castle's building without being easily seen._

_Pulling out the binoculars, she first scanned the other nearby rooftops, in case someone was watching for her. It had been over a year since she'd left, but there was no telling if someone still had their eye on Castle. Satisfied that she alone was spying on him, Kate took a deep breath before focusing the binoculars on his living room windows._

* * *

After breakfast, Castle took Kate back to his loft. While she clearly enjoyed seeing Lanie, Jenny, and the guys again, he could see the fatigue in her eyes and the way she was favoring her side again. She needed rest and probably another pain pill.

However, the closer they got to his home, the more things she had said at breakfast tugged at him. Something didn't add up, but he couldn't put his finger on it. It was as though she knew certain things that she had never asked about. While Kate may have assumed he recovered just fine from his gunshot injury, how did she know? And considering her obvious concern for him, how had she never inquired about it?

By the time they got to the loft, his curiosity had gotten the better of him and they were barely in the door before he asked, "Were you watching me?"

Her brow furrowed. "What?"

"While you were gone. Were you… watching me?"

Instead of answering, she defensively turned the question back around on him. "Why would you ask me that?"

"I just get the feeling that you walked in here knowing more about what's been happening with me and the others for the last two years than you should." He hadn't meant it to be an accusation, but her refusal to give him a straight answer raised his natural suspicion.

"Rick, you're a world-famous writer. Your life isn't exactly private."

True, she probably could have learned about his recovery through the papers. The event had not made the front page, but it had certainly been a story. But some of the other things…

A moment later, she surprised him by admitting, "But you're right. I did watch you sometimes."

The confession floored him, immediately transporting him to a hundred sleepless nights of worrying, desperate for any news of her. To think she may have been watching him, keeping tabs on him, but never contacting him? That she could satisfy her curiosity as to his wellbeing while denying him that same knowledge infuriated him.

"I knew I couldn't get too close, but I had to make sure you were okay."

He regarded her as unemotionally as he could before asking, "Where did you watch from?"

Mostly from storefronts or cafes, she admitted, so he wouldn't catch sight of her. The day he was scheduled to be discharged from the hospital, she sat in a car in a nearby parking lot for hours just waiting for a glimpse of him. After that, she stayed away for the most part but every few months, the desire to see him again would be too strong to resist.

"I only looked in your windows here at the loft once," she confessed. "It was about nine months ago. I was having a really rough time and so I went up to the roof of the building across the street and..." She gestured at the large glass window in his living room.

His home. She had watched him in his home, like some sort of criminal, when she could have just as easily knocked on his door.

"Why only once?" he forced himself to ask. It seemed like an important detail.

Kate shrugged. She had been studying the floor intently for most of the conversation, perhaps ashamed to meet his expression, which likely betrayed his rising anger. "I don't know; it just felt wrong somehow. Not that the whole thing wasn't wrong, I shouldn't have come anywhere near you. But the night I went to the roof across the street, I saw you in here. You were just sitting on the couch. Maybe you were watching TV, I don't now. But someone must have rung the doorbell because you got up to open it. It was a woman I didn't know."

If she had been avoiding looking at him before, she took it one step further by walking over to look out the very window she had observed him through. "It kind of hit me then, how horrible it was, what I was doing. You didn't deserve any of what I put you through, and you certainly didn't deserve to be spied on. I left immediately, and I never went back on that rooftop again."

The woman she had seen had likely been Tracy, Castle realized, based on the timing. In addition to accompanying him to publishing events, she dropped by to check on him periodically.

"You thought I'd moved on?" he prompted her, feeling less angry than he had before. Something about the image of her standing on a rooftop, probably with binoculars in hand, watching him with another woman... then hating herself for it... The thought occurred to him that if their positions had been reversed, it would have felt to him like pure torture.

Kate turned back from the window, finally able to meet his gaze. "I forced myself to acknowledge the possibility. And there were pictures of you two in the papers together."

"Tracy and I were just friends, are just friends," he felt the need to clarify again.

"I know."

Silence stretched between them awkwardly with either too much said or not enough.

Finally, she said softly, "I wouldn't have blamed you if it was more than that. I think a part of me hoped it was. If she could make you happy, then..."

Whatever lingering resentment may have remained in Castle, it faded to nothing at her words. He knew he had a right to his anger, but it seemed so trivial, so obligatory. And her good mood from breakfast was gone, replaced by a dark cloud behind her eyes.

"You make me happy," he responded. He moved closer to her, wanting nothing more than to end this ridiculous conversation with the feel of her in his arms. But Kate took a step back, her body language betraying her wariness of the contact.

"Maybe... maybe this isn't such a good idea," she said. He stared at her, dumbly, as though her words hadn't registered. "Maybe it's too soon for me to be here, for us to try being anything other than partners. I mean, so much has happened over the last two years, and I'm sure there are things you haven't told me..."

He didn't answer immediately, but when he did his voice was firm. "No." He was adamant. "We can take this slow if you want. We can sleep in separate bedrooms or I'll stay out here on the couch. We can go out on dates or stay in and watch movies. Or I can just stay out of your way for a while. But I swore that if I ever got you back, I wouldn't let you go again."

He saw her expression soften, but doubt still remained.

"Kate, nothing can change how I feel about you. Not if you watched me through those windows one time or a hundred. I just wish... I wish we hadn't lost so much time together. I wish you had let me help you."

Taking a moment to consider his words, finally, she responded, "I'm not sorry for what I did, Castle. Well, I'm sorry for watching you. That was more for the sake of me than for you, and I could have found other ways to make sure you were okay without violating your privacy. But I'm not sorry for leaving. I'm not sorry for doing everything in my power to keep you safe."

"We were partners, Kate. We should have gone after him together."

She answered passionately, "He would have killed you! You were shot!"

"So were you!"

"Well, better me than you."

Castle flinched, her assessment bringing him up short. "What did you say?" But Kate did not repeat herself, choosing instead to stand firm as she folded her arms in front of her. The gesture was likely unconsciously done, but to Castle, it highlighted her vulnerability. "I can't believe that's what you think."

Of course, he felt the same way, or rather, he valued Kate's life above his own. Had he been a second faster at Montgomery's funeral, he would have gladly taken the sniper bullet intended for her. But actually hearing her turn that willingness back around on him was sickening.

"Rick," she continued, "you're a father. Alexis needs you. Trust me, I know better than anybody how devastating it is to lose a parent. And your mom... You have so many people relying on you."

"What about you?" he challenged, intending to remind her of the people who needed and relied on her. But she misunderstood him.

"I... I wouldn't have survived losing you." She looked away again, and he noticed as she turned her head a stray tear falling down her cheek. "I got a pretty good taste of what life is like without you the last two years, Rick. And the only thing that kept me going was knowing you were alive, that you were safe."

"Did you stop to consider what it would do to me if you had been killed?" he asked.

Surprisingly, she nodded. "I did think about it. It would have been hard, I know. I know you would have grieved, but-" her voice cracked, "You have Alexis and your mom, so many people to support you. You have your writing. I knew that you would... keep going. Eventually, you'd move on. And with me gone, he wouldn't have had any reason to go after you."

As she described her vision of his future without her, he suddenly understood the simple mechanics of her plan - it was essentially a morbid win-win. If she found her mother's murderer, she would destroy the threat. On the other hand, if her mother's murderer managed to kill her instead, she would no longer be a threat to him and by extension neither would Castle. Of course, her mental calculus had left out one variable.

"You think if he had killed you that I wouldn't have gone after him?" he demanded. "You think I would have just let it go?"

His question startled her, he could tell. Terror flashed across Kate's face even though they both knew that the threat at issue was already gone. "You would have let it go," she said slowly. "You would have because of Alexis."

Kate knew he would never have put his daughter in such jeopardy. And clearly, she felt the same way. Unable to argue the point, he sighed in concession. But he still wanted to make one thing clear. "Just so you know, if you had died, I wouldn't have moved on. You've been gone for two years, and I have never moved on."

* * *

tbc


	7. The Forgiven

**Summary**: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?

**A/N**: Happy Castle Day! As a reminder, flashbacks are in italics.

I really appreciate the reviews and feedback. No matter how tired or discouraged I may get when writing, receiving a review always lifts my spirits and sends me back to the word processor with some new idea or dialogue or tweak.

* * *

**Chapter 7: The Forgiven**

"You've been gone for two years, and I have never moved on."

Kate chewed on her bottom lip as she considered his declaration. Hurting him had proved to be a necessary evil of her plan, one she would have avoided if possible. But not at the expense of his life.

After being gone for several months, she had realized exactly how difficult a task she had set for herself. The man she was trying to find proved ever elusive, powerful, and dangerous. One wrong step meant death, and not necessarily her own. She had hoped Castle would wait for her, but as months turned into years, she banished that possibility into the status of selfish fantasy. The notion that he might wait forever never even occurred to her.

Another moment passed, and Kate realized she had been standing there just staring at him as he did the same in return. Wanting to end the impasse that had somehow grown between them, she decided to physically close the distance.

This time, she embraced him, moving slowly but without hesitation as she wrapped her arms around his body. The feel of him was still so new, so amazing - hard muscles, broad shoulders, gentle strength. And his familiar, masculine scent... that reminded her of countless hours driving around in her car, interviewing witnesses, interrogating suspects, even just sitting at her desk in the precinct. But it also reminded her of something else.

Home.

For one agonizing second, he did not return the gesture, did not wrap his arms around her in turn. Kate's heart beat painfully slow as she hitched in a breath, waiting and hoping for absolution. But just as she was about to give up, to extract herself from an obviously unwanted embrace, she felt Castle sigh deeply, her head still resting on his chest. When she felt him return the embrace, squeezing her tightly against him, she closed her eyes in relief. But a moment later, he pulled away from her.

"There's something else you should know... Something I never told you before," he said, then paused, obviously fearful of her response to what he was about to say. "Something I'm not sure if you'll be able to forgive _me_ for."

Confusion swept over her as she asked, "What is it?"

He looked at her squarely, as though facing down his own internal demons, before stating, "It wasn't your fault that I was shot. It was _my_ fault."

But Kate was already shaking her head. "Of course it wasn't your fault, Rick. It was Philipson. He admitted it to me, that he hired someone to try and kill you."

"Did he tell you why?"

She tilted her head at his question. "We didn't exactly have a long, intimate chat about it. I assumed he went after you because you were close to me."

"Kate, do you remember, after your shooting, when you came back and we started looking into everything again? And I convinced you to drop the investigation for a while?"

She nodded, still confused.

"I wanted you to drop it because I got a phone call from a man; he called himself Smith. Apparently he knew Montgomery and before he died, Montgomery sent him records implicating Philipson."

"You never told me any of this," Kate said accusingly, suddenly suspicious.

"This man, Smith, he warned me that if you kept looking into the case, that the man who killed your mother would try to kill you again. He said you were safe as long as you stayed out of the investigation."

She seemed irritated, but not as much as he expected. "So you convinced me to drop it, and I did. Philipson still went after you."

"Because I didn't drop it." Castle let his explanation hang in the air for a moment, watched as Kate digested it and the implications.

"You kept looking into it? God, Rick, no wonder... Why...?" She stared at him in horror, and seeing the emotions in his eyes, she nearly crumpled under them. "You were trying to protect me, and he found out."

"I was so careful, Kate-" he tried to say, but she cut him off.

"-but not careful enough. And he decided to target you." She shook her head and looked away, crossing her arms across her chest again in a gesture of either defense or self-comfort.

Unable to say anything further in his own defense, Castle simply intoned, "So it wasn't your fault. I wish I'd had a chance to tell you before... before you left. Maybe it would have made a difference. I know you blamed yourself for what happened to me, but it was not your fault at all. And I hope, some day, you can forgive me."

Her brow wrinkled as she looked back at him. "Forgive you? I don't even know how to respond to that."

His eyes closed at her words, let himself feel them as the lacerations he deserved for his deceptions. He waited for more, for the recriminations and angry resentment. She had left because of him, after all, and what happened to him had nothing to do with her. But what she said next got his attention.

"Castle, this still isn't your fault; it's mine. None of what you just said changes that. There is _nothing_ to forgive. "

"Kate-"

"You were still shot because of me. You were trying to protect _me_."

"Stupidly."

Ignoring the comment, Kate continued, "I mean, it explains why he targeted you after going silent for so long, but... you aren't to blame. Not for any of this."

Her absolution was like a gift - both needed and undeserved. It almost hurt to have her dismiss his long-held guilt with so little effort. "You left to protect me, wasting two years of your life-" Castle stopped himself short, wanted to scream, to put his fist through a wall, anything to release the intense feelings building inside him. "Kate, if I had never entered your life..."

Making shushing noises as she stepped forward and put a hand up to his mouth to silence him, she finished his sentence, "If you had never entered my life, Rick, I don't know how much of it would be worth living. If I've learned nothing else these past two years without you, it's how important you are to me and how much I need you."

Again, she embraced him, attempting to reinforce through the simple touch of their bodies the words she had just spoken.

"I need you too. So much, Kate."

"Then that's all that matters."

They held on to each other tightly, as tightly as lovers and more. They were lost loves, finally found, finally able to touch without convention or fear holding them back.

They stood that way for a long time before Kate noticed him shift his head slightly, then felt him place a gentle kiss on the top of her head. She hummed in response, and she thought she heard an answering chuckle.

"You know, Alexis is coming to dinner," Castle said finally, his voice slightly muffled by her hair.

Panic flashed through her, unbidden, and he must have felt her stiffen. "I can get out of here for the night," she told him, forcing herself to sound nonchalant. Of course his daughter would still stop by for dinner periodically - being 'away at college' meant little when said college was located in the same city. "I'll stay with my dad, or maybe Lanie and Esposito-"

Castle snorted in amusement. "She's coming to see you."

"Oh."

Shit.

She'd been afraid of that.

The thought of confronting Alexis produced a level of terror in her that few things could rival anymore. She had faced murderers, gun-toting assassins, criminals, thieves, low-lifes, and everything in between. But the protective, red-haired daughter of the man she loved, the man she'd hurt so badly?

So. Much. Worse.

But it was something else she had to face, a trial to overcome. Another person who's forgiveness she needed to earn. Luckily Martha was still on vacation and she would not have to confront both of the women in Castle's life at the same time.

Perhaps sensing her unease, Castle assured her, "It'll be fine. She really missed you."

Alexis missed the woman responsible for getting her father shot? For absenting herself from his life for two years? Sure, she did. Kate felt certain that had she been in Alexis' shoes, she would have hoped Kate never returned.

Instead of voicing her thoughts, she forced herself to say, "I missed her, too. What time is she coming?"

* * *

About one year earlier…

_"Rick, you haven't written anything in over a year! Need I remind you once again that you are in violation of your contract...?"_

_He pushed Gina's voice into the back of his head, like a sort of annoying white noise or the atypical buzz of an off-kilter ceiling fan. It was part of their weekly ritual. She would call to yell at him for about twenty minutes, then hang up in a huff. He would put her on speaker phone (to resist the urge to hang up on her) while sitting in his office and staring absently at his smartboard. _

_She wanted him to write another Nikki Heat novel. Fat chance. Gina had been lucky he had _Frozen Heat_ finished and already with the editors when he was shot or he would likely have never finished it. He had no desire to start writing another mystery when he had an incomplete one sitting in front of him, one that was much more important to him personally than any contract._

_A year had passed since Castle had been shot. A year since Kate Beckett had left him a note informing him of her decision to drop out of sight and chase his shooter. Her shooter. Whatever._

_A year without Kate Beckett. He felt certain that Kate's absence hurt more than the bullet. At least he had healed from the physical wound, a circular scar on his shoulder and a bit of pain during stormy weather his chief souvenirs from that particular experience. But missing Kate - that still hurt._

_Suddenly, something Gina said caught his attention. "If not for me, do it for her."_

_"What?" he asked, having completely tuned out every other word._

_Gina's irritation was already reaching record levels, but she seemed encouraged by his sudden show of interest. "I said, if you don't want to write because I tell you to or because you're required to under your contract, if you really need another reason, then do it for HER. If she's still out there somewhere - and let's face it, by now that's a big 'if' - this is your chance to reach her. Everyone says the Heat novels are just love letters to her anyway. So do what you do best - write her another one."_

_For the first time, Gina actually made some sense. _

_Write another novel, for Kate. The more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea. He already knew how he could phrase dialogue and descriptions to send special messages to the missing detective. Maybe, just maybe, he could convince her through his writing to return, to give up this quest she was on and resume her former life. The idea of it actually excited him in a way nothing had in the last year. At the end of the call, both he and Gina both hung up with a little more hope._

_Pulling out his laptop, Castle glanced once more at his smartboard, the one with Kate's picture in the center, surrounded by all the players implicated in her mother's murder. With a frown, he picked up the remote and before switching it to his Nikki Heat board, murmured quietly to the empty office, "Come back to me, Kate."_

* * *

As she washed and chopped vegetables, preoccupying herself with preparing dinner rather than fretting over facing Alexis, Kate took stock of the minor changes in Castle's home. She noticed the little things, mostly. The plates were new but the glasses were the same. The decor hadn't altered, although someone (Martha, most likely) had rearranged things slightly. Was that a new dishwasher? She couldn't tell, not having spent a lot of time at the loft before.

Familiar arms wrapped themselves around her, cocooning her in warmth as his chest pressed up against her back. Since their fight that morning, she and Castle had taken turns being physically affectionate. A hug here, a deliberate brush of the arm there. Even a few kisses. Kate felt like a teenager in love for the first time, all awareness, anticipation, and uncertainty. But after so long with no meaningful contact with others, just _touching_ him was wonderful.

"If you keep distracting me, we're never going to finish making dinner," she scolded lightly, but not really caring.

"We can always order in," Castle pointed out as he ran his hands along her upper arms and breathed in the smell of her hair. What was it with him and smelling her hair, anyway? She never understood it, or why she found it so endearing.

"I know you want Alexis to have a home cooked meal. When was the last time she came home, anyway?" As a sophomore at Columbia, Kate knew the girl likely lived at the library and subsisted mostly on takeout Chinese and pizza. Besides, she didn't want to be the reason for changing the dynamic of their father-daughter time.

Castle shrugged slightly behind her before answering, "Every two weeks or so. Unless she's had a bad day, or longer if she has an assignment due or something."

"Or a date?" Kate suggested. She laughed at his exaggerated shudder.

"That too."

Biting her lip, she ventured to ask a question that had been weighing on her all day. "Do you think... how do you think she'll react...?"

Unable to see his face, she could not judge what fueled his pause before clarifying, "React to...?"

"Us."

There. She'd said it. Like ripping off a band-aid.

Unfortunately, his response did little to give her peace of mind.

"Maybe you should ask her yourself," Castle intoned, his words marked by the sound of the front door opening and shutting a second later.

Like the teenager she had considered herself earlier about to be caught by a disapproving parent, Kate extracted herself from his arms in time to see the young woman come into view.

Alexis looked much the same as she always had, although her hair had been cut to shoulder length and her eyes betrayed the perpetual fatigue of a college student. "Kate!" she exclaimed at the sight of her, nearly bowling her over as the girl enveloped her in a tight hug.

The gesture took Kate by surprised, although she mentally congratulated herself on keeping a small squeal of pain to herself as the younger woman pressed too hard on her wounded abdomen.

"Careful, Alexis," Castle warned, probably having seen it briefly on her expression. "She's still recovering."

Kate wished he hadn't said anything as Alexis promptly let go of her and took a step back, looking her up and down worriedly. "I'm sorry, I forgot. Are you okay? Dad said you got hurt."

"I'm fine," she said reassuringly, then shot Castle an annoyed look. "Your dad is a little over protective." Not bothering to answer his unspoken expression of 'Oh really?' Kate instead focused herself on Alexis. "So how are you? How's school going? I want to hear all about it."

As Alexis launched into an animated recounting of her first half of college, Kate mentally sighed in relief at the girl's easiness around her. So far, at least, she had not betrayed any lingering resentment or anger, although the situation certainly presented its awkward moments.

"So are you staying with Dad now?" Alexis asked.

Kate opened her mouth to answer, only to be at a loss for words. She looked over at Castle, who had taken over vegetable chopping duties, in hopes he would have a response.

"Kate is welcome to stay here as long as she wants," he answered as he gave Kate a meaningful wink.

"Um... I don't know yet," she recovered haltingly. "I honestly haven't thought that far ahead."

She knew her apartment was gone. Castle had mentioned that her things were in storage, but she'd need to look for a new place. All of her savings were gone, having been used to support her over the past two years. To put together first and last month's rent – without asking Castle for money, which she had no intention of doing - she would need a job. That meant going in to the precinct and begging Captain Gates to let her return, along with whatever hoops she'd have to jump through to be reinstated with the NYPD...

Sensitive to how quickly Kate's mind was spinning, Castle said firmly, "We've got plenty of time to figure everything out." He looked at his daughter and in an effort to steer the conversation in another direction suggested she tell Kate about her boyfriend.

Alexis took the hint and proceeded to fill Kate in on all the changes to her social life, including the appearance the young man she'd been dating for the past eight months. She kept the conversation light and convivial throughout dinner and into dessert, not making any attempts to ask the former detective questions about her time away until Castle began to clear the table.

"So," Alexis said quietly when her father was just out of earshot, "Dad tells me you got the guy."

Kate nodded. "He's... gone. He won't be hurting anyone else."

The younger woman seemed pensive, hesitating a moment before commenting, "You know, when you left, I didn't think it would take so long."

"I didn't either," Kate acknowledged. "But he covered his tracks well, and I had to be extra careful to make sure he didn't catch me." _Or take it out on your father_, she mentally added.

"Dad was... pretty much devastated," Alexis ventured on, although her words betrayed more sadness than resentment. "He showed me your letter, you know."

Kate's breath caught in her throat. It was the most difficult letter she had ever written and the most personal. It surprised her that Castle would have shared it with his daughter. Of course, it was her sole explanation for her actions. "I'm glad he did," she said, deciding that it was true. Castle's family deserved to know her motives.

"I just want you to know... I understand why you left."

Kate stared at her. "You do?" she asked.

"You were protecting my dad. You were putting him - and us - first, even though it meant such a huge sacrifice. I don't think anyone could have asked more of you."

Before either of them could say more, the man himself returned to the table with a fresh bottle to refill his and Kate's wine glasses. She had drunk almost no alcohol at all while she was gone, and the two glasses she'd already consumed felt as though they'd gone straight to her head.

"What are you two talking about?" he asked as he poured the red liquid into her goblet - only half full this time, she noticed. How did he always know what she was thinking?

"Oh, we were just getting to the part where I ask Kate what her intentions are toward my father," Alexis teased. Kate glanced at her, the comment making her nervous, but the young woman's wink set her mind back at ease.

Astonishingly, Alexis wasn't mad at her. Castle had been furious, had thrown her out of the loft. But his daughter? She seemed to... understand. She had an extra day in which to absorb the news of Kate's return, but her acceptance was such an unexpected relief.

Noticing Castle about to admonish his daughter, Kate jumped in. "And I was just about to tell Alexis that my intentions are completely honorable."

She smiled at both of them and hoped the flush she felt in her cheeks didn't show.

Castle sank into his chair in feigned despair. "Well that's no fun," he commented, then grinned back at her.

* * *

tbc


	8. The Book

**Summary**: When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed? AU

**Spoilers**: Spoiler for the end of _Heat Rises_.

**A/N**: Hope I haven't confused folks too much with the flashbacks (in italics). I've been trying to keep them in sequence as much as possible. As always, thanks for the reviews and let me know what you think!

* * *

**Chapter 8: The Book**

Three months earlier…

_He definitely wasn't having any fun. Unlike most of her dad's past book signings, this one had no flirting, no over-the-top smiles for the especially swooning fans, and no enthusiasm from the usually overly energetic writer. It was like the summer _Heat Rises_ came out, except worse. _

_Alexis frowned as she watched her father mechanically sign his name to each book presented to him. The line for his autograph already stretched out the door and around the block. He wasn't doing anything particularly obvious or rude. He wasn't ignoring the adoring masses like some authors did. But his smiles didn't reach his eyes, she could tell. He just wasn't having any fun._

_Writing the book had been difficult for him, she knew. Kate's absence had become a tangible thing in their lives, like an overlay that painted the entire world in shades of dark blue. She had hoped that when he announced he was writing another Nikki Heat novel that it would represent some closure for him. But having read it, Alexis realized that he was no closer to getting closure than he had been that day in the hospital when he'd handed her Kate's letter to read._

_The letter._

_He kept it in his office tucked in the front cover of his personal copy of _Heat Wave, _the first Nikki Heat novel. She knew he'd read it a thousand times, that he had every word memorized. But occasionally, she would spot him reading it again, holding the paper as delicately as he would if handed the original Declaration of Independence._

_As much as Alexis hated to see him in such a state, as much as she wanted him to be happy, she had finally given up her hatred of that letter. And her anger at Kate._

_The woman had destroyed her dad, but she hadn't done it on purpose. Alexis couldn't even blame her for entering their lives, considering the fact that her dad had chased after _her_. He had even traded on his friendship with the mayor in order to maintain their unorthodox partnership. No, Kate hadn't gone after her dad. She hadn't even been the one to re-open her mother's murder investigation. That was her dad's fault as well, as Kate's ex-boyfriend had so harshly pointed out at the hospital after her shooting._

_Try as she might, Alexis really couldn't blame everything on Kate. Her dad had to be in the thick of it, had to cast himself as the hero and try so hard to play the part. And Kate had kept him safe - through shootings, bank robberies, and explosions, through locked freezers and sinking cars. That was, until the shooting. Her dad's, not Kate's, although he hadn't been very safe that day in the cemetery when he tackled the detective during her eulogy._

_No, her dad getting shot was a game changer. Alexis knew it had changed things for _her_, and obviously it had affected Kate enough to prompt her to completely upend her own life and go after the culprit all by her self. Perhaps it would have changed things for her dad as well, but that was a question that would never be answered._

_Even more than having a bullet tear through his shoulder, Kate's disappearance shattered her dad. Before he had been playful and boyish, but those attributes had almost entirely vanished. While he was still a good father and gave her plenty of attention, Kate's letter had caused him to grow up. _

_Unfortunately, bad luck meant Kate's disappearance also coincided with Alexis going off to college, leaving him alone in the loft with no one but her grandmother, who was even considering moving in with her new boyfriend. While Alexis had originally planned on going to school in California, at the last minute, she changed to Columbia. It was definitely a good school, so it was no sacrifice, but she had been looking forward to a different area than she'd grown up in. He had argued with her, of course, but she just couldn't leave him alone and move all the way across the country. _

_Watching him sign copies of _Heat Lost_, Alexis knew she had made the right decision. It had been over a year and nine months - almost two years, really - since Kate had left, with absolutely no contact from her in the interim. Not a letter, not a phone call, not even a blank post card from Fort Hancock, Texas. And she knew that her father was starting to accept the most likely possibility, that Kate was dead. Unfortunately, her body would probably never be found, so he may never really be able to move on. She had hoped that his return to writing might help._

Heat Lost_. The book was already a best seller, and most of the critics had proclaimed it his best work to date. Some had even touched on the fact that it somewhat paralleled the puzzling disappearance of his real-world NYPD detective muse. But when reporters asked about Kate, he always said the same thing: "No comment."_

_After the book signing, which ended up running an hour late due to the length of the line and her father's insistence that no one be turned away, the two of them went out for a late lunch. She had cleared the day to spend with him, knowing how sad he got whenever he had to do a Nikki Heat function. Plus, she had another reason to want to talk to him. She wanted to try one more time, even though she knew how it would end._

_"Dad, she would have wanted you to move on. She practically said so in her letter." They sat together in a restaurant, him barely touching his food._

_But he just stubbornly shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it."_

_Every time she brought up the subject, he refused to even discuss it. "Well I'm your daughter and I'm worried about you, so that means you have to talk about it."_

_"Alexis-"_

_"No, Dad. This isn't healthy. You've been in mourning for almost two years. It's time to let go."_

_He glowered at her, and for a moment she had trouble recognizing him as the same man who had raised her. "I'll decide when it's time to let go," he said decisively._

_Undeterred, Alexis switched to another tactic. "If Kate is still alive, don't you think she'd have contacted you by now? I can't believe she would go this long without so much as a note or a phone call to let you know she was okay and still out there."_

_"You think I haven't considered that? You think it doesn't cross my mind every day? Alexis, every time someone knocks on my door, I think its the police coming to tell me they found her in a dumpster, or a shallow grave, or a deep freezer in a storage space somewhere. But they haven't come to my door yet."_

_Her father was banking on the possibility that Kate would be so callous and inconsiderate as to continue to live and breathe out in the world somewhere, chasing her mother's killer, without giving any sign of herself. Alexis wished it were so, but to her, it was the kind of wish made on shooting stars and pennies thrown into fountains. She had no hope. _

_But her father did. It was the thinnest of hopes, but she could see it in his eyes - he still thought there was a chance she was alive. _

_"Okay," she told him, unwilling to force him to strip away that last glimmer of hope. "I'll drop this for now, but only under a couple of conditions. No more moping about."_

_He smiled, although it didn't touch his eyes, and shook his head in agreement with her. "No more moping," he agreed._

_"You will go to all the publishing events Gina tells you to." She knew he had already skipped two parties and had tried to beg out of that morning's book signing._

_"Do I have to?" he whined._

_"Yes," she said firmly. "Otherwise you'll go back to spending all your time in your office in the dark."_

_He rolled his eyes but didn't dispute her statement. "Fine. But I'll go alone."_

_Alexis countered, "At least take Tracy."_

_He considered this, and then acquiesced. Stories had already circulated about them on page six and most of Manhattan probably thought they were quietly dating. He and Tracy got along well enough, and they had no interest in each other. Tracy didn't mind, finding the entire situation absurd enough to laugh about. The farce made him a bit queasy, especially when he wondered what Kate would think if she really were out there, but if it couldn't be avoided, so be it._

_"Anything else?" he asked._

_"One more thing. I want you to take down the murder board."_

_He hadn't done anything with it for months, not since the last private investigator he'd sent after Kate reported back with failure. But it sat there glowing in the dim light of his office, Kate's face staring back at him as a grim reminder of what he'd lost. Alexis had even heard him talk to her picture a time or two, probably on the nights when he'd taken solace in a bottle._

_She waited for his refusal, ready to back up her arguments - if necessary - with a firm play of the "Daughter Card."_

_But surprisingly, he just said, "Okay."_

_Take down the murder board._

_At least it was a start._

* * *

In consideration of her early morning class schedule, Alexis left shortly after dinner to return to her dorm room, although Castle invited her to stay. Her glance at Kate showed she was severely tempted by the offer, but in the end she left with a promise from the other woman that they would get together again that weekend, just the two of them.

"We can go shopping, "Alexis suggested as she gave Kate a careful hug.

"Sounds perfect."

After giving his daughter a hug and kiss and closing the door behind her, he turned back to Kate. "So?" he prompted.

"Not as bad as I thought it would be," she admitted. "After you were shot, I knew she was upset. I guess I just figured she'd hold it all against me."

Castle was already shaking his head. "She was angry, but not at you. And especially not after she read your letter. I think she really respected your decision to leave - a lot more than I did, let me tell you. She said you were putting me first, and I had to accept that."

Kate nodded as she digested his daughter's position. "Alexis is a smart girl. Woman. Young woman. God, it's so weird thinking of her as an adult now."

"I know, right?" he exclaimed. "She can vote now and everything! When did that happen? Just last week it feels like she was playing with dolls and challenging me to laser tag."

She grinned at him. "You don't still play laser tag?"

"Well, sometimes. When I'm feeling down." He shrugged. "Are you tired? Did you want to go to bed?"

Kate certainly looked exhausted - neither of them had gotten enough sleep the night before, what with that trip to the emergency room. Plus it had been a long day of reunions and long, emotional talks.

"Actually, I think I'd like to sit up and read for a little while." She picked up his book, _Heat Lost_, and gave him a look of apology. But the anxious way her fingers ran along the spine only reflected her anticipation to catch up on his latest publication. He had forgotten that about her - that she was a fan long before they'd ever met.

"Don't stay up too late," he said, hoping he didn't sound too fatherly. For good measure, he wrapped his arms around her and leaned down to give her a decidedly non-familial kiss on the lips. He wanted so badly to pull her into the bedroom and show her exactly how much he had missed her. Oh, if only he wasn't afraid of pulling her stitches again...

But there would be plenty of time for that later.

"Good night," he whispered as they broke apart.

* * *

The story was riveting. Kate realized that she simply couldn't put it down, no matter how difficult it became to keep her eyes open. Every page, every line, every word - it was as though he had written them all specifically for her. She had finally lost count of the references to their little inside jokes and shared moments that he had integrated into the storyline. And the plot between Nikki and Rook - their scenes went beyond steamy to almost on fire. Kate had to stop herself from going in and waking the writer up to make him demonstrate some of what he had written.

The mystery itself also had her attention, and she flipped the pages as fast as she could read them, racing to get to the big reveal. At some point, she got up to make herself coffee with the promise of just a couple more chapters before she turned in for the night. But two chapters became four, then eight, and before she knew it, dawn was peeking through Castle's living room windows. And she still had a quarter of the book to finish.

She finally realized that it had stopped being about the story itself. She usually preferred to savor Castle's books, to digest the plots slowly and let him unwrap every chapter with his words and the images they created in her mind. But this book, the one he had written entirely during her absence, it was different. It wasn't just a novel - it was a window into Castle's life while she was gone, into his fear and longing and struggle to keep going. Without her. She even found herself in tears at times, the emotions he conveyed on paper just too much for her to deal with.

It really was a love letter to her, the whole book.

She was on the last chapter when she heard footsteps coming from the direction of Castle's bedroom. She did not look up at him until he demanded, "Did you stay up reading that _all_ night?"

When Kate did turn her eyes to him, she knew he saw the dampness of her cheeks and the moisture still present in her eyelashes. His stance softened as he simply bent down to kiss her on the top of the head. "Almost done then?" he asked, checking the page level on the right side of the hardcover.

"Almost."

"I'll let you finish while I go get breakfast started."

It surprised her that he hadn't put up more of a fight to make her get some sleep. But twenty minutes later, she understood why he left, why he couldn't be present for her reaction.

After solving the murder case, Nikki and Rook had chosen to celebrate by going to dinner at one of the most exclusive restaurants in town - Rook had connections, of course. Laughing and joking as they walked down the nearly deserted city sidewalk at dusk, Rook kept putting his hand in his pocket, anxious to make sure that little velvet box was still there and hadn't been lost. He had the evening all planned out.

They were two blocks away from the restaurant, nearing a busy intersection, when a windowless van pulled up out of nowhere. Men in black jumped out and grabbed Nikki. She fought them, and received numerous blows for her efforts, but Rook took even worse. While two men drug her into the van, one pulling a hood over her head while the other jabbed her with a syringe, the rest of the men went after Rook. They beat him, their fists coming in hard and fast until he fell to the ground. Then they kicked him, over and over again, until he was too weak to get up, let alone try to fight back.

Unable to read the scene in its entirety, Kate skipped to the end. But that was the end. An unconscious Nikki was whisked away in the van while Rook lay on the ground, broken and bleeding and calling her name until he lost consciousness.

She realized immediately what that graphic and horrific scene meant to Castle. It was what he would have endured to keep her. Or just to get her back. It was the punishment he thought he should have received for letting her go, for not protecting her. When Kate was shot, he made Rook take the bullet in his third novel. And now, her decision to leave, to chase the man who had killed her mother and shot him, prompted Castle to take all his frustrations out on Rook, to pummel the poor reporter and leave him on a dirty street corner, within an inch of his life. It could have been the exact corner where Castle himself was shot.

Kate couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough, and soon, she was sobbing uncontrollably. She knew leaving had hurt him, badly, but she had forced herself to categorize causing him that pain as the lesser of evils. If she had stayed, the next bullet that came for him might not have been such a lucky shoulder shot. By leaving, she had hoped to take him out of danger. Even if she died in pursuit of her mother's killer, he would live.

But now she understood just how horribly she had hurt him by what she'd done. His guilt and anguish bled from the page like an open wound.

Within seconds, she felt his arms around her, warm and comforting. But the feel of him made her cry even harder as she clung to him with renewed desperation. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed, repeating the apology over and over again.

Castle tried to shush her, to assure her it was okay. When that didn't help, he just rocked with her back and forth on the couch, as though he were comforting a child.

"I'm so sorry, Rick," she finally managed in a tearful voice. "I had no idea."

"It's just a story, Kate," he deflected.

"But it's our story." She was adamant. "All of it, it was you and me. You wrote that book for me."

"I did hope that... wherever you were, that you would read it and know..." He swallowed and took a deep breath. "Know how I felt. And come back to me."

His dedication: **KB - Come back to me.**

"I wanted to," she whispered haltingly. "I really did."

"Read the book or come back?"

"Both."

Her tears had subsided, but Kate still sniffled a bit as she shifted in his arms, pulling back just enough to see his face. "Rick," she began, not sure exactly what she wanted to say, only that she needed to say something.

Perhaps taking pity on her, he said, "Well, now you've done both. We can move forward."

But it was too easy, like he was letting her go with a slap on the wrist for a major crime. As a cop, she knew that some transgressions warranted punishment, no matter the motive.

"Can we?" Kate asked, genuinely wondering. "Rick, this book... I feel like my soul was ripped apart just reading it, and you _wrote_ it. It's so clear, I hurt you so much, and I don't know how you can ever-"

Castle kissed her, cutting off whatever else she may have said on the matter. The clash of their lips and tongues wasn't artful or neat or picturesque. Instead, the kiss was messy and a little awkward, so full of desperation and longing that neither could bear to hold back.

After several moments, he broke the kiss but held her face firmly with his hands as he addressed her. "You know I've already forgiven you, Kate. Do you need penance? If that's what you need, then I sentence you to kiss me like that. Every day. Kiss me every day, from now..." He paused, searching for the appropriate term.

"For as long as we both shall live?" Kate suggested, feeling the corners of her mouth pull into a smile.

He smiled back at her, the skin around his shining blue eyes crinkling with the strength of its authenticity. That image - his genuine, loving smile, the one she usually saw directed at Alexis - was the one she kept with her. It was the image of Rick Castle the man, not the author or the funny partner or even necessarily the father. It was the image of him, in his natural state of joy.

"I do," he said, in all seriousness.

Kate gaped at him. "Did you just propose?" she asked.

"What would you say if I did?" he returned.

She had thought about it, actually, many times. She just hadn't thought he'd bring it up so soon. She needed more time. They both did.

"I'd say that maybe proposals should wait until after we actually have a first date."

Smirking at her, he stated, "We already have. Don't you remember Ryan and Jenny's wedding?"

She did remember it. She did not, however, remember it being an actual date. Of course, they had eaten together, and laughed, and danced. Perhaps it was a date and she just hadn't recognized it at the time.

"Well then after our second date," she amended.

"I'll wait as long as you want," Castle told her. He had already waited so long, and he readily agreed to wait longer. It was a vow, a solemn promise as important to her as 'I do' could ever be.

"Well, maybe there are other things that don't have to wait," she suggested, her voice low and sexy as she pulled him down to meet her lips again, this time with the suggestion of more.

"But, your injury..." he protested.

"You're creative, Castle. We'll work around it."

Her grin turned to a shout of surprise as he lifted her from the couch, one arm under her knees with the other carefully wrapped around her back. She laughed as he carried her toward his bedroom, attributing his swift movement either to eagerness or concern that she may change her mind. She had plenty of the former and no intentions towards the latter.

As he kicked the bedroom door shut behind them, Kate realized that he had finally done - literally - what he had figuratively accomplished years earlier, first with his writing, then with his annoying but surprisingly useful help as her human shadow: Rick Castle had swept her off her feet.

And he spent the morning showing her just how creative he could be without the use of words.

* * *

tbc


	9. The Apartment

**Summary**: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?

**A/N**: As the story is now moving forward in time, I'm running baseline on when each scene occurs from the night Kate returns. Flashbacks to before that time are in italics.

As always, thank you for the reviews. It really makes my day when I get feedback.

* * *

**Chapter 9: The Apartment**

_One week after Kate's return…_

"Darling, it's so wonderful to see you again!"

The actress swept Kate up in a surprisingly fierce hug considering the slightness of the older woman. She held her that way for several long moments, but once she let go, Martha gave her a gentle smack on the arm.

"You had us all scared to death! Richard has been beside himself- You know it's been two years, don't you? You've been gone for two years and- Richard, has been just a mess. We all have, darling. And, just where have you been? Oh, I know you've been chasing that horrible man and you finally found him, but in all that time you couldn't even pick up a phone?"

She continued on like that for several more minutes until Castle finally interrupted her. "Mother, why don't you let Kate answer one question before you ask her the next one? And you can lay off the guilt trip. I think she's already been through enough, don't you?"

While Martha fixed her son with a mock glare, Kate took the opportunity to step in.

"I really am sorry I was gone for so long," she told the other woman. "I know how hard it was for me, and I'm starting to understand how difficult it was for Rick… and everyone else."

Martha waved her hand as if to dismiss the apology. "I know, dear. And you were doing it for the right reasons. We all just missed you, especially Richard."

"Maybe we should all… sit down?" Castle suggested.

Over the next hour, Kate relayed to his mother all the answers she had given to him and to the others. Surprisingly, Martha asked insightful questions that he had never considered, such as how long it took for the money to run out and how an exploding gun had killed the otherwise robust (and evil) state senator. Kate glossed over the answer to the first question, unable to meet Castle's questioning gaze. But the second question she had no trouble giving.

"One of the pieces of shrapnel struck him in the neck and severed an artery," she explained calmly. "I would have helped him, but…"

"But you were injured yourself, or so Richard told me."

Kate nodded. "We were both bleeding pretty bad. Luckily, I managed to hold on until the ambulance got there."

"That must have been terrifying."

She shook her head. "Actually it was… kind of liberating. I didn't have to worry anymore, once I knew that the officers had caught the sniper."

"The man they caught in the driveway? They're sure he's the one that shot you and Richard?"

"Philipson had evidence that tied him to both shootings. Apparently he kept blackmail material even on those working for him," Kate said.

"Well, we're all very glad you got through it and were able to come home."

"We are," Castle affirmed, his voice a little shaky after hearing her recount the struggle with Philipson again.

"So, are you living here now?"

Martha's inquiry brought Kate up short even though she had recently gotten the same question from Alexis. She looked to Castle, hoping he would rescue her again. But the writer simply shrugged his shoulders and looked expectantly back at her.

"We're still discussing that," she said finally.

"Well you don't have to worry about me being in your hair. I don't know if Richard told you, but I met a fabulous man while you were gone and we're now living together. His name is Malcolm. Malcolm Bryson Jones, the third. Catchy name, don't you think?"

She quickly launched into a recounting of her meeting Malcolm at the theater, and as he was the old friend of an old friend of an old friend… they of course hit it off right away and had been dating for over a year.

"Good guy," Castle added when she was done. "A little boring, but…"

"Richard, he is no such thing."

"Mother, he's so boring, he makes Ben Stein sound like The Most Interesting Man in the World."

Not bothering to dispute this comparison, she continued, "But he has good taste in theater and art and music…"

"And women?" Kate asked, smiling at the older woman.

"Exactly. And he's not the only one." She winked at her son, the kind of gesture so obvious that Kate ducked her head and blushed. "So tell me more about how you found this man, this state senator, what was his name again? What an awful person, I'm so glad he's dead…"

* * *

Two months before Kate's return…

"_What about Tracy? She's a nice girl."_

"_She's not a girl, Mother. And yes, she is nice. But I'm not…" _

_Castle stopped, searching for the right word._

"_Ready?" Martha supplied. "Richard, you've been in a state of 'not ready' for the last two years. You need to accept that Detective Beckett is gone and she isn't coming back. It is time for you to go back to living your life."_

_He shook his head, fighting back the anger that threatened to choke him. "It isn't that simple."_

"_Then make it that simple. I don't have that many years left, and I don't want to spend them watching you live your life like it's a burden."_

_He had grown so tired of these little talks, both from his mother and from Alexis. It wasn't like he was spending every day in his bathrobe, refusing to eat or bathe or leave the loft. He had stopped those habits within the first three months Kate had been gone. No, he showered every day, and shaved. He went out into the city, he went to the publishing parties Alexis insisted on and Gina dictated. He ate three meals a day, only drank occasionally. He was living his life._

_Only, what his mother said was also true. It was a burden, this _living_. Every day was a struggle, and few things brought him pleasure anymore. He could not even remember feeling actual joy. Perhaps when Alexis got married and started giving him grandkids, things would be different…_

_Alexis. She really was his only joy in life._

_Castle certainly had no interest in dating anyone, especially not Tracy, who he saw as only a trusted friend. And she saw him the same way._

"_These things take time, Mother," he said, hoping she'd drop it._

"_It's been two years, Richard-" _

"_Don't you think I know how long it's been?" he demanded. "I know exactly how long. Down to the day, down to the hour, to the minute."_

_She frowned at him, at the anger and resentment in his voice. "It isn't your fault Beckett left," she said softly. "It isn't fair to torture yourself like-"_

"_I'm not." It was a lie, an obvious one._

"_Oh, Richard…"_

_She sounded so sad, so disappointed. Castle knew he had disappointed both of them, his mother and Alexis. But the thought of moving on, of giving up all hope, he just couldn't take it._

_But what his mother said was true – Kate had been gone for almost two years. Two months shy of two years. The police would not look for her. The private investigators couldn't find her. _He_ could not find her. What other possibilities were left besides the one he least wanted to face?_

"_She's dead, isn't she? She really is dead." _

_It wasn't the first time he'd thought it, not even the first time he'd vocalized the possibility. But it was the first time he truly faced what it would mean if it were true. It meant not only that he would never see her again, would never get to touch her or kiss her or make love to her. But more than that, more than her precious life being snuffed out too quickly, he would never _know_. Not for certain._

_His mother's hand touched his arm, gently and comforting. "If she were still alive, I cannot imagine that she would leave you in this agony of uncertainty," she said._

_The agony of uncertainty. Catchy phrase. He could use that as the title of a book. If he ever wrote another one._

"_Kate loved you. She told you so herself in her letter," his mother continued. "She would want you to find happiness wherever you could."_

_With a deep sigh, Castle observed with finality, "Then maybe I'm just not ready to be happy yet."_

* * *

_Two weeks after Kate's return..._

"I don't know, Lanie. I love being with him, but I don't know if I'm ready to _live_ with him yet."

Two weeks had passed since her return, two weeks of living at the loft with Castle as she re-acclimated to society and her old life. Two weeks of togetherness. Two weeks of long talks and quiet, comfortable silences. Two weeks of bliss.

And two weeks of total awkwardness as two people attempted to reorder their lives.

"Have you guys talked about you getting your own apartment?" Lanie questioned.

Kate nodded. "Yeah, a little bit. I mean, I've been gone so long and so much has changed. Its weird trying to just jump back into things. But..." Shrugging slightly, she smiled shyly. "I kind of like living with him."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is that we're different now. He's different, I'm different. Our relationship is different. It's been two years, Lanie."

The medical examiner answered her with a skeptical raised eyebrow before pointing out, "But you still love him, right?"

"Yes."

Understatement of the week. Perhaps the year.

"And he loves you."

It wasn't a question.

"Love isn't everything, Lanie."

"No, but its a good starting point. Take me and Javi, for instance. For the longest time we couldn't get our act together. It wasn't until writer boy got shot and you took off like the Lone Ranger that we finally admitted what was right in front of us."

Kate smiled at her friend. "So we inspired you?"

"No, we thought you were both idiots - you especially for disappearing like that - and didn't want to make the same dumb mistakes."

"So what's your point?" she asked, a little irritated.

"My point is, if you love him and if he loves you, which he does, then everything else will work out. You just have to work at it."

"I'm willing to work at it," Kate said emphatically. "I just don't know if I should be working at it while living with him or at my own place."

Lanie studied her for a moment. "Well what does he say?"

Kate shrugged one shoulder. "We haven't really discussed it much, but I think he wants me to stay with him at the loft. I get the feeling he thinks I'm going to disappear if I'm out of his eyesight for too long."

"Well, you can't blame him for worrying about that," Lanie told her pointedly.

"I know, I just… ever since I got back, we've been working things out. And it seems almost too perfect. He was upset at first, but then he forgave me almost right away. And I know I hurt him. But he's so willing to just… ignore that hurt, like he's afraid if he doesn't forgive me and pretend everything's okay, that he'll lose me again."

The medical examiner nodded thoughtfully before remarking, "Sounds like there are all kinds of things you two need to talk about."

Kate snorted in response. "Story of our partnership."

Changing the subject, Lanie asked, "So, I want to know more about the good stuff. Are you two doing the horizontal Mambo yet?"

"Lanie!"

"It's a perfectly valid question."

Coloring slightly at whatever thoughts had entered her head, Kate said simply, "Yes."

"…and?"

"Everything else between us may be a mess, but that area is good."

"Good?" Lanie repeated.

"Very good."

"Are we talking 'swinging from the chandeliers' good or…?"

"I'm not giving you details, Lanie." Looking around to make sure no one else was nearby, Kate stated, "Lets just say... it was definitely worth the wait."

"Oh, now you have to give me details, girl."

* * *

Across town, back at the loft, Martha Rodgers was finishing breakfast at her son's kitchen table as she dispensed her own counsel. "What do you want?"

"I want her to stay," Castle said. "After the last two weeks, I can't even imagine not getting to see her every day."

His mother gave him a look of maternal concern tinged with more than a little women's intuition. "Richard, isn't it a bit soon for you two to move in together? You have only been together as a couple for two weeks. I thought she was only staying here until she found a new apartment?"

"She is."

"But you don't want her to find her own place?"

Castle shrugged one shoulder to indicate indifference, but in truth, he really did not want her to leave. He knew that her getting her own apartment was not abandonment of him, but part of him still had flashbacks to that day in the hospital reading her letter. He still had panic attacks periodically, moments when he woke up and she was gone and he would wonder if it had all just been a dream. But then he would hear the shower running in the bathroom or smell coffee brewing in the kitchen, and the panic would subside. But what would he do in those moments if she wasn't in the loft, if she was at her own place?

"I don't want to waste any more time," he said with certainty.

His mother gave him a pitying smile. "Oh, Richard. Spending time together, getting to know each other again, that's not a waste."

"But we already know each other! We've known each other for years."

"But she's been gone for the last two of those years. Maybe you think you haven't changed since then, but you have. And so has she."

Kate had changed, Castle knew. She still had that self confidence he loved, the quick mind and eclectic sense of humor. She was still beautiful, with that gorgeous smile and friendly disposition. But... in some ways, she was different.

The thing he noticed first was the touching. Before she'd left, she almost never touched him. Now, she seemed to do it every chance she got, running a hand down his arm or fingers through his hair as they sat on the couch in front of the television. At dinner, she would let her foot find his under the table and just rest it there. At night, in bed, she would curl up next to him, just barely making contact.

And it wasn't just him. Kate had no qualms about hugging his mother, Alexis, and even Lanie every time she saw them. He had even asked her about it once, the touching, but she said only, "I guess I'm just glad to be around people again."

She had also stopped wearing makeup almost entirely. He didn't mind this as she was a natural beauty, and he suspected it had to do with all the makeup she wore while trying to disguise herself. While more open with her feelings than he had ever seen her, she would tell him almost nothing about her time spent away except the bare bones facts. She also still refused to drink coffee.

"I still love her," Castle stated. "That hasn't changed."

"And you will still love her even if she's living in her own apartment," his mother pointed out. "Besides, it might be good for you two to have some distance while you sort everything out. Most couples do not move in together after two weeks."

Castle nodded. As much as he hated to admit it, perhaps his mother had a point.

"I guess... after missing her for so long, I just... I don't want to give her up."

"You aren't giving her up. And even though she'll technically be living somewhere else, I have a feeling that you two won't be spending very many nights alone," she said with a wink.

* * *

Six months before Kate's return...

_The money had finally run out. Her life savings was gone, spent on cheap motels, bad wigs, and the occasional bribe to a street informant for what usually turned out to be useless information. But Kate was prepared, having anticipated this eventuality. She had obtained a job at the state records agency. It was low-level administrative work, but something which did not require an extensive background check. Unfortunately, while she had already begun working, she would not receive her first paycheck for another week._

_That left one week with no place to live and only about twenty dollars in her pocket with which to buy food. But she was strong. She could do this._

_Kate spent the first night at a shelter, although the group setting left her feeling too exposed to get any sleep. While she had no qualms about taking care of herself, she worried someone on the payroll of the man she was after might recognize her and target her while she slept._

_After earning a well deserved dressing down from her new boss for appearing for work so exhausted, she spent the next night tucked in the back corner of a deserted file room at the office. Of course, the building security guard had found her and threatened to turn her in if she ever tried it again._

_Consequently, by the third night, Kate was prepared to explore other options. She thought about going to her father. He would take her in without question and be glad to do it. But the risk was too great, to him and all her other friends who might offer her shelter. Not for the first time, she felt toxic, too dangerous to subject others to her presence and the potentially deadly consequences of associating with her._

_She finally decided to spend her night on the street. From her experience as a cop, she knew some areas where she could hole up for a night or two in relative seclusion and safety. Of course, that confidence faltered every time she heard voices or footsteps drawing too near. Her ego also took a hit as she bundled herself into multiple layers of clothing to combat the chilly night air. But she was able to doze through the night and get at least a couple hours of sleep before going in to work the next morning._

_Food was a different issue. She already ate so little that cutting back on her diet was easier said than done. But with the ease of long practice, she stretched the few dollars she had left. Not having a kitchen to cook in made it more difficult, but she managed._

_By the end of the week, Kate eagerly cashed her first meager paycheck before splurging on a hotdog from a street vendor. It tasted delicious and she almost bought a second one, but thought better of it. She spent that night at another low-rent motel, never so greatful for a dingy room with a sagging bed and paper thin walls. Something about the bed and the walls made all the difference._

* * *

"How was your day with Lanie?" he asked as Kate entered the kitchen later that evening. He had almost finished preparing dinner. Tonight would only be the two of them as Alexis had exams to study for and his mother was with Malcolm.

"Good. I bought some new clothes," she volunteered.

Castle nodded. He had given her his credit card that morning with strict instructions to, "Buy whatever you want." While she had gotten most of her old clothes out of storage, most of those barely fit her any more, she had lost so much weight.

"Maybe after dinner you can model for me," he suggested, waggling his eyebrows at her flirtatiously.

"In your dreams, Castle," she answered glibly as she walked up behind him. She slowly let her arms encircle him and placed her cheek agains this back before giving him a firm squeeze.

"I missed you," he said quietly.

"Missed you too."

"What did you and Lanie talk about?"

If the directness of the question surprised Kate, she made no show of it. Instead, she merely pulled away from him and answered honestly, "Whether or not I should get my own apartment."

Castle stilled at that. Noting the seriousness in her voice and her withdrawal of physical contact, he turned off the stove and wiped his hands on a towel before turning to face her. She was looking down, like a guilty child waiting for punishment.

"Did you decide anything?" he asked, trying to keep his tone light.

Kate shook her head. "No decisions."

"But you're leaning in one direction over the other," Castle noted, seeing it in her posture. "You want to move out."

"Rick, I never moved in, not really. I showed up at your doorstep one day like a stray cat and never left."

He took a step towards her, but like the skittish animal she had just compared herself to, she took an answering step back.

"Kate, you know you're welcome here. _Always_." He put emphasis on the word, their word, the promise they'd made long before their world had gone to hell.

She took a few moments to respond, and he knew she was carefully collecting her thoughts before speaking. This was important to her. "Castle, I want to be the woman I used to be, the woman I was when we met. I want to have that self assurance and independence. I know I've changed, I'm not the same person I used to be. But I want to at least be the same woman you fell in love with. And I think to do that, I need to live on my own for a while."

"You have been living on your own for two years," he pointed out.

"I haven't even been using my own name for the last two years," Kate countered. Seeing the hurt and guilt behind his eyes, she almost kicked herself for saying anything at all. "Castle, I'm not saying I don't want to be with you. I do. More than anything. I just need to transition back to my old life."

He seemed accepting of her words, although not happy about them. "And that includes living in your own apartment." She nodded. He went to the island and picked up a folder she hadn't noticed sitting there. "Yeah, I had a feeling you'd say that. This is from a realtor I trust. There are some listings for available apartments."

They were good options, even fitting within her soon-to-be-reinstated detective grade pay. And they were in good neighborhoods, some even close to the precinct. Kate looked up at him, smiling. "Thank you for doing this," she said, then, "And thank you for understanding."

"Of course." Leaning down, he kissed her lightly on the lips before turning back to the stove.

Watching him dish up dinner for the two of them, his back to her, she noticed the slight slump in his shoulders. While she knew that getting her own apartment would be better for their fledgling relationship in the long run, Kate hated the thought of hurting him, even a little. She could not help but wonder if she had made the wrong decision.

* * *

tbc


	10. The Letter

**Summary**: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?

**A/N: **Happy Castle Monday! For the first time ever, I woke up this morning and said to myself, "Thank goodness it's finally Monday already. That weekend went by way too slowly!"

Once again I had planned a conclusion to this story, and once again my characters told me that they needed more time to work through some of their issues. So it is looking to be another chapter or two at least. Until then, the flashbacks (in italics) continue. Thank you for those who take the time to review - you are awesome.

* * *

**Chapter 10: The Letter**

_Two weeks later... (one month after Kate's return)_

The apartment was quiet. Perhaps too quiet.

Having moved in two days before, tonight was the first night Castle had not slept over. After helping her continue to unpack her things, long buried in storage, he had headed home to his loft with a promise to see her for their dinner date the next day. "You need your sleep," he pointed out, knowing that the next morning would bring her first day back at work.

Reinstatement to the NYPD had proved more difficult than she anticipated, but Gates' enthusiasm to have her back helped make up for the hurdles she had to clear. She had never anticipated that the captain would pull strings for her, but pull them she did, giving Kate a firm look that said, "Don't disappoint me."

And suddenly, just like that, within a month of returning from her self-imposed exile, she was back at her old job. She had a new apartment filled with all her old things. And she had a date with Richard Castle the following evening.

It was all so surreal.

And quiet. The apartment was too quiet. Having gotten used to the late night hours and noisiness of the residents of a hundred seedy motels, the relative silence of her new apartment was disconcerting. And without the presence of Castle, it seemed empty and sad.

Kate frowned, angry at herself for feeling so needy. She was the one who had pushed for her independence. How could she go back on it now and tell Castle she was having trouble falling asleep without him? Besides, it was after midnight.

Devising a strategy, she picked up her cell phone and pressed speed dial.

"Miss me already?" His voice was thick and slow, as if he'd just been sleeping.

"Did I wake you up?" she asked, biting her lip.

" 's okay," he responded. "Don't mind."

She was silent for a moment, weighing whether or not she should use the obvious excuse she had concocted or just tell him the truth.

"Kate?"

"I'm here. I just... I was wondering if I left my brown heels at your place. I was thinking of wearing them tomorrow."

A pause. "Maybe. Do you want me to go look?"

"No, no, go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you up. I don't need the shoes, I just..."

"You missed me," he filled in.

Pursing her lips at the smugness in his voice, she rolled her eyes but admitted, "Yeah..."

"Like I said, 's okay. But you need to get to sleep, Kate. Big day tomorrow."

"Good night, Rick," she said.

As she hung up the phone and settled back down under the covers of her bed, she took a moment to relish the quiet. Reflecting on it, she realized there were no suspicious footsteps, no suspicious voices. There was nothing but the usual apartment noises and the sounds of traffic outside her windows. The sounds of independence. The sounds of safety.

* * *

One week before Kate's return...

_Lips, wet and insistent against his lips, trailing across his body._

_The feeling of skin on skin, so warm and tactile and alive with feeling._

_She was there, above him or beneath him, surrounding him with her arms and her legs and her body, a cocoon of softness and womanly scents._

_He moved against her, with her, both of them together, a jumble of limbs and aching need. The need was so great, so hard as he struggled for release. But something wasn't right, this wasn't right._

_Castle awoke with a start and realized he was tangled up in his sheets. He had long since kicked off his comforter as too warm, judging by the fine layer of sweat on his skin._

_Skin... skin on skin..._

_The dream came back to him, heady and familiar and oh-so horribly wonderful. Dreams about Kate were frequent, although not as frequent as the nightmares. Sex dreams about her were rare, however, and left him feeling so empty and alone._

_Annoyed with his body, he pulled back the sheet and headed into the bathroom for a shower, not caring that it was the middle of the night. With his mother on vacation in the Caribbean, there was no one to notice the sound of running water or worry about him not getting enough sleep._

_Stepping into the slower, Castle automatically turned the knob to a hot setting and waited as the water rushing over him gradually warmed. Then, almost angrily, he turned the dial back. Almost instantly, the stream of water turned ice cold. He gasped at the temperature but forced his body to remain in place. _

_Damn his traitorous body. And damn his treacherous subconscious mind which had conjured images and feelings of a woman he had never touched so intimately, had never even really seen nude._

_A woman who was likely dead. Dead because of him._

_He had no business dreaming of her like that, and his body had no business enjoying it._

_Castle finished the shower quickly, finding no respite in the cold water and equally cold tile floor. After pulling on fresh clothes, he went to his office and sat down in front of his sleeping laptop. He should write, he knew. His readers would want to know the fate of Nikki Heat and Jameson Rook. He had promised them a resolution to the cliffhanger, just as he'd promised one to his publisher._

_But he had nothing. It wasn't even writer's block, this void in his imagination. He just had no desire to write. His muse was gone. She was gone, likely dead, and what good would writing do?_

_Closing his eyes, Castle rubbed his hands across his face and through his hair. Alexis wanted him to go see someone, a psychologist. She'd said a number of things, about depression and anxiety and him not sleeping. But Castle knew he wasn't depressed._

_He knew because he remembered depressed - the three months after Kate's shooting without a phone call, that had been depression. The three months after his own shooting, with Kate gone off in search of the man responsible, that had been depression. No, he had worked through his depression. And he had finally landed on resignation._

_Resigned to a life without Kate, to a life spent alone. Because Kate was dead. He finally believed it, had finally lost all hope of seeing her shining eyes and bright smile ever again._

_Two years. She had been gone two years without contacting him one single time. Not one word, not one phone call or letter or sign. Kate had to be dead. _

_The book, _Heat Lost_, had been out for over three months. If she'd read it, she would have contacted him. She would have recognized his desperation and given him some sign of her existence. And the only reason he could think of for Kate not having read the book would be if she were dead._

_The private investigators had mentioned it often enough that it always sat in the back of his mind like a black cloud of doom. And now, finally, he recognized the cloud for what it was - a thunderstorm that would never leave him. It would cast shadows on everything he touched for the rest of his life._

_Nikki Heat would never be found. Rook would not survive his wounds, not this time. Because Rick Castle had failed to save Kate Beckett, had instead led her to her demise like an animal to slaughter. He was responsible._

_He looked over at his safe, the one that held his passport and most valuable possessions. It also held the gun he'd bought from that street dealer, the gun he'd bought 'just in case.' It was loaded. _

_Sighing into the darkness, Castle pushed himself away from the desk as he pushed his gaze away from the safe. Instead, he walked across the office and picked up his copy of Heat Wave, the book which held Kate's letter._

_He let his eyes scan the familiar words even though he could now recite them from memory. The paper was well worn, having been handled many times by both himself and others he'd shown it to. After having been crumpled in anger and then smoothed back out again on several occasions, the paper had a well worn effect._

_**I love you. If you take nothing else away from this letter, please remember that.**_

_She loved him. Part of him had celebrated that knowledge when he first read it. Her love had accompanied him through long, empty nights and equally long and empty days. But now, it filled him with nothing but hopeless anguish. She had loved him - and died from it. _

_Time would never heal that wound._

_He put the letter and the book away and proceeded into the kitchen to make coffee._

* * *

_Two weeks later... (Six weeks after Kate's return)_

"How about a CIA conspiracy?" Kate suggested, filling her spoon once more with ice cream as she waited for Castle's response.

"I don't know. I'm not feeling CIA."

She raised her eyebrows at him in surprise, as if to say, 'Oh really?' She thought about making a joke, but considering everything that had happened with Sophia Turner, she let it drop.

"What about a mafia connection? Or something gang related?"

Castle considered these for a moment, then shook his head. "Just doesn't inspire me."

Kate rolled her eyes and took another bite of ice cream. They were situated comfortably on the couch at the loft, her legs over his as he played with the cuffs of her jeans and her bare feet.

"Maybe Nikki has a really jealous ex-boyfriend," she threw out. He gave her a mock glare, and she added, "Or Rook has a jealous ex-girlfriend?"

"That's it. Angry about their high profile romance, their ex's team up together to take the couple down."

His playful sarcasm earned him another eye roll and the comment, "Smartass."

"So how's work going?" he asked, changing the subject as she handed over her spoon and the remainder of the ice cream to him. "Any idea when Gates will let you back into the field?"

Kate crinkled her nose at the mention of the Captain, still annoyed that she had to pass a physical, a psychological evaluation, and a refresher course before she could get off desk duty. But at least she was back at work. "I'm almost done with all her requirements. I'm scheduled for the psych eval on Monday."

"And she still won't change her mind about letting me come back?" he inquired.

"She said she'd consider it only after I was off desk duty." Kate bit her lip before adding, "Besides Castle, you need to work on your next book. How many times has Gina called you today?"

"I stopped counting and turned my phone off after five. I just wish I could come up with an idea..."

"I can't believe you wrote that kind of cliffhanger with no plan on where you were going to take it," Kate remarked as she shook her head in amusement.

"Yes, well, series continuity wasn't exactly at the forefront of my mind when I wrote it."

After taking the last bite of ice cream, he set the spoon and bowl aside so that he could focus on the woman draped over him. She had regained a little bit of weight in her time back but was still too slender for his peace of mind, although he fed her every chance he got. One of the things he had discovered as their relationship became more intimate was her love of vanilla ice cream. He made sure to always keep a container of it in the freezer.

"Have I mentioned lately how beautiful you look tonight?" he asked, scooting a little closer to her under her outstretched legs.

His compliment was rewarded with an embarrassed smile and a flush on Kate's cheeks. Even though they had been together for a month and a half, she still colored when he said things like that, and he still loved seeing her reaction. "Castle, I'm wearing jeans and an old t-shirt," she argued, as if what she was wearing had anything to do with her beauty.

"Very true. Maybe we should remedy that..." he began as he flirted a hand under the hem of her shirt.

Following Castle's slow seduction on the couch, they retired to his bedroom for more privacy. Afterwards, while Castle fell asleep, Kate found herself unable to close her eyes. She often stayed the night at the loft, or he at her apartment, and she had no desire to go home. But she remained restless and perhaps a little nervous about the scheduled psych evaluation.

In an attempt to take her mind off the impending consultation with Dr. Burke, who was very likely going to have quite a bit to say about her decision to disappear for two years after her mother's murderer, she carefully extracted herself from Castle's bed, pulled on his robe, and left the bedroom. While lights were still on in the living room, his office was dark. She wandered through it, careful not to bump into anything, just letting herself take everything in.

Kate thought about the trouble Castle was having coming up with an idea for his next book and marveled at how such an imaginative writer could hit such a wall. She had no doubt that he would get through it - he had conquered writer's block before. He had even written a book during her absence, so beautiful and heart wrenching that she had not been able to re-read it since, even though she had re-read all his other books multiple times.

Reaching out to run her fingers along the spines, Kate selected one at random, determining that his words were exactly what she needed to take her mind off of the meeting with Dr. Burke. Looking down, she noticed that she had picked Heat Wave. It was a favorite, as close to her heart as an old friend. Padding out to the living room, she pulled a blanket with her onto the couch and opened the cover.

The paper she found tucked inside was both familiar and new. While it had been written by her own hand - she remembered that horrible night in the hospital vividly - the paper had grown so worn in the intervening years that she hardly recognized it. It had obviously been crumpled up, possibly multiple times, and then smoothed back down again. The paper also bore a few small watermarks which looked suspiciously like they had been caused by tears. Re-reading her own words, Kate tried to picture how Castle would have felt reading it for the first time. Did it make him angry? Confused?

She had poured her soul out in that letter, putting into writing words which she had not had the guts to say to him out loud. And as she neared the end of it, she nodded at her promise to try to return to him. At least that was one thing she had done right. She had ensured his safety and then come back to him.

Suddenly, an idea occurred to Kate and she got up and headed back to Castle's office. Appearing a moment later with a clean sheet of paper and a pen, she sat down at the table and began to write. A while later, when she was done, she tucked the new letter in to the book with the old one and returned it to the shelf in Castle's office. Finally feeling tired enough to try to go to sleep, she slipped back into the bedroom and crawled in beside him in bed.

* * *

Castle found the letter a week later.

After fulfilling all of her requirements, including passing the psych eval, Kate had gotten back in the homicide ring in full force. He had not seen her in two days as she was busy at the precinct with a big investigation and had not even gone home to her own apartment. And of course, Iron Gates still refused to let him come back in and shadow her, mentioning something about needing a new signed liability waiver and the department officer who handled those requests being on vacation. It was an excuse, of course, but Castle let it slide. He knew if he pushed things, he would be out completely, no matter how many phone calls he made to the mayor.

Two days away from Kate, the longest they had been separated since her return. It seemed comical that he missed her so much considering how long she had been gone before. They had talked on the phone briefly the night before - she sounded tired, but energized at getting back into a murder investigation - but after a night spent alone in his bed, Castle needed just a little reassurance.

His feet took him to the shelf holding the book automatically. The letter was like a security blanket in some respects. Before Kate's return, whenever he felt really down or depressed or lost, he would read it. Sometimes it helped. Sometimes it made him feel worse. But seeing her words, her 'I love you' written in bold letters, it did something to him. Every time.

But as his hand reached out to pull down his copy of Heat Wave, Castle paused. The book was not in its usual spot. He usually kept it on the left side of the shelf as the first in the Nikki Heat series. But for some reason, it was now to the right of the other books, out of order. Brow furrowed, Castle looked at the rest of his books to see if any of them were out of order. But they were all the same as he remembered. Pulling the book down, he wondered why someone would move-

Oh.

The letter inside the book was not the one he remembered. This one was on fresh, crisp paper, the dried ink a dark black, unfaded by time or wear. And the words were different. But the author of those words was the same, and she signed the letter with the same, "Always, Kate" as he remembered.

**Dear Castle,**

**I love you. **

**Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for forgiving me after I caused you so much pain. I know you missed me while I was gone, and I missed you, too. I missed you so much. **

**I don't know when you will find this letter, but I wanted you to know that I wasn't snooping. I found my other letter by accident and wanted you to have something else now that we are back together. **

**I love you. I may have gotten my own apartment, but I want to make sure you know that has nothing to do with how I feel about you. You mean everything to me. Maybe if I was a writer like you I would have the words to describe how happy you make me and the joy you bring me every moment we are together. **

**You're sleeping right now. I hope you are having good dreams. Dreams of the future. Our future.**

**I love you. **

**Always, Kate**

By the time he had done reading the letter, Castle did not even realize that he had dropped the book. Instead of reaching down to pick it up, he wiped away a stray tear from the corner of his eye, not wanting to mar this letter the same way he had the last. He walked over to his desk and sat down in the chair before reading the letter again.

Castle read the letter over and over again, letting the words cleanse his soul of all the mixed emotions the old letter evoked. This was a love letter, plain and simple. A love letter written to him by the love of his life. She must have written it some time in the last few weeks as she mentioned the move to her new apartment. But it didn't matter when she'd written it, when she'd slipped it into the book with her old letter to him. What mattered was that she had been thinking of him when she wrote it.

And this time, he knew exactly where to find her.

* * *

Their all-nighter at the precinct having proved long and fruitless, Esposito and Ryan were both contemplating the merits of taking a nap in the breakroom when Beckett returned to the murder board with a fresh cup of coffee in hand. She looked exhausted, certainly, but just as driven as they remembered.

In a strange way, after her being gone for so long, it felt so normal finally having her back, building theory with them and giving orders.

"Maybe we're going about this in the wrong way," she said, staring at the murder board. "We assumed she knew her killer because of the way the body was left, covered up with the eyes shut and the hands arranged across the chest. But maybe she didn't know her killer. Maybe he knew her..."

Ryan nodded as she spoke. It definitely made sense. "Maybe someone she saw every day but didn't take much note of. A neighbor or a coworker."

"Someone who saw her every day but was invisible to her," Beckett added.

"Castle," Esposito said, breaking their train of thought.

"Gates won't let him come in yet," she responded. "And I don't want to bother him while he's working on-"

"No, I mean Castle's here," the other detective said, and Beckett instantly turned her gaze towards the elevator that the writer had just exited.

He strode up to her purposely, smiling in that cocky way he sometimes did. "What are you doing here?" she started to ask.

Without any warning, Castle reached his arms around her, dipped her backwards so that her back was parallel to the floor, and kissed her. She resisted him at first, but a moment later she visibly relaxed as she returned the kiss with equal passion.

All around them, officers and support staff stopped what they were doing and just stared at the display. While most knew through the grape vine that Beckett and Castle were in a relationship ("Finally!"), this was the first evidence anyone had of it.

All around them, officers and support staff stopped what they were doing and just stared at the display. While most knew through the grape vine that Beckett and Castle were in a relationship, this was the first evidence that most had seen of it. People watched the public display of affection in stunned silence until one person started clapping. Immediately, others began to join in until all around the kissing couple people were applauding and whistling.

The noise was enough to bring Gates out of her office to investigate the source of the commotion. Just as she opened her door, Castle pulled Kate out of the dip, simultaneously breaking the romantic kiss. Kate was smiling, her face significantly flushed until she spotted her Captain watching. The older woman stood with crossed arms and a face so full of expression, she might as well have worn disapproval like a garment.

Everyone else in and around the bullpen noticed Gates a moment later, and all noise stopped as everyone rushed to go do something important... elsewhere. Esposito and Ryan exchanged glances and strategically retreated to the breakroom to refill their coffee mugs.

Gates glared at the writer, who had suddenly noticed her appearance as everyone else retreated. "Mr. Castle," she said with a tone of barely constrained annoyance. "Just what do you think you're doing here?"

"Uh..." he began awkwardly, then sneaking a look at Beckett, he started again. "Actually, sir, I'm here to see my girlfriend."

"And distracting everyone else from their duties," Gates stated.

Beckett took the opportunity to step in. "I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again."

"See that it doesn't, Detective, or I will have to permanently ban Mr. Castle from this precinct."

With one more glare at the writer, she was gone, back into her office with the door shut.

"And I thought I was making progress with her…" he muttered quietly.

Kate turned to Castle, looking both annoyed and pleased by his presence. "What are you doing here?" she demanded, also silently asking why he had just kissed her in the middle of her work.

"I missed you."

She looked ready to scold him but the earnestness of his statement melted her ire. "We saw each other two days ago."

"Feels like longer."

"Castle..." she began, then stopped, studying him.

Sensing her scrutiny, he finally offered, "I found your letter."

Suppressing a smile, Kate remarked quietly, "I wondered how long it would be."

"I had to see you."

She nodded. "Cause the last time I left you a letter, you didn't see me for two years?"

"Something like that."

With barely a glance towards Gates' office, Kate stepped closer to him and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "Well I'm not going anywhere, so don't worry."

"Promise?" he asked.

Her expression grew serious. "Castle, I promise to never willingly leave you again."

* * *

tbc


	11. The Past

**Summary**: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?

**A/N: **At least one more chapter after this, and then probably finishing with an epilogue. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. (Flashbacks in italics.)

* * *

**Chapter 11: The Past**

The morning of Kate's return...

_Kate hated hospitals. While she had developed her hatred into a finely honed loathing following her shooting, her last experience with a hospital two years earlier had been the worst. Nothing could compare to seeing a loved one, bandaged and broken and pale, hooked up to monitors and machines. While being a patient was annoying, Kate comforted herself that it could be so much worse._

_Perhaps even more irritating than the pain and boredom were the pitying looks the nurses gave her occasionally. Most patients had visitors, people who brought them flowers and balloons and books to read. But Kate had no visitors. Further, she had forbidden the hospital staff from contacting anyone on her behalf. The only people to enter her room besides doctors and nurses were two local police detectives with questions about the 'accident.'_

_But Kate did not mind all of that today. Because today, she was being discharged. Her doctor had pronounced her to be healing well from her injury and said there was nothing further that could be done for her besides what she could get at home - rest, fluid, and antibiotics._

_She did not tell him she was currently without home, and she certainly did not reveal her plan to immediately board a train for New York City. Instead, she nodded at all the doctor's instructions, barely listening as she considered how soon she could be back in the city. _

_From her rented room she only took the important things, the fake identifications, a couple of changes of clothes, and what few personal items she had managed to amass without worrying about suspicion. The train ride back to the city took forever, although she had called her dad before leaving Albany, so he was there to meet her when she arrived. She kicked herself for not having bought Castle's latest book before getting on the train, but determined that her nervousness would have made reading impossible anyway._

_The reunion at the train station with her dad proved tearjerking for both, and it was the first time Kate had seen her father cry since her mother's death. She told him about Philipson in fits and bursts, but all he wanted to hear about was her. How bad was she hurt? What had she been doing for so long? Had she not been eating? _

_He bought her a hot dog on the street, then a second one she couldn't finish. He listened as she explained the conspiracies and the blackmailing schemes, commenting only that he was glad to finally have her home again._

_Then he asked about Castle. "Have you talked to him yet?"_

_Kate shook her head. "I just got back into town. I wasn't sure if I should call him or..."_

_"Just go over there," her father advised sagely. "I'll admit, I didn't really believe it was you until I laid my own eyes on you. I have a feeling that he will have the same problem."_

_Her eyes clouded with tears as she observed, "I can't believe its finally over, Dad."_

_He hugged her tightly. "Your mother would be so proud of you, Katie. And I'm so glad you're finally home."_

_The evening was growing late, but her dad insisted on buying Kate a copy _Heat Lost_ for her before he put her in a cab to the loft. "He loves you, Katie," were her father's parting words._

* * *

_Two months after Kate's return..._

Ostensibly, the small party at the loft was supposed to commemorate Castle's return to the 12th precinct as a civilian consultant with the homicide division - Gates had finally caved when he kept sneaking in, bringing Kate food or tea and then staying to build theory with the detectives.

In reality, it was more of a late "Welcome Home Kate" celebration with attendance by Martha, Alexis, Martha's boyfriend Malcolm, Ryan and Jenny, Esposito and Lanie, and Jim Beckett. They had also invited Tracy, but she begged off as she had done ever since Kate's return. Castle wanted to invite more people, especially from the precinct, but he deferred to Kate's wish for a more intimate gathering.

Castle in no way regretted the small party as he watched Kate easily slip into the role of hostess. Even though she still kept her own apartment, she spent more nights than not at the loft with him. He had considered teasing her about the waste of money in maintaining what was essentially just a separation of their belongings but decided against it. The money didn't matter, although he hated that she used her own salary to pay for it. He would have gladly paid rent on the apartment for her. After offering a seven-digit bonus to any private investigator who could find her, the money really did not matter. But he did not push it.

Instead, he marveled at how she easily conversed with both Jenny and Alexis before bringing a reluctant Malcolm Jones into the conversation. Her magnetism and friendliness never failed to amaze him.

Someone standing nearby cleared their throat, and Castle turned to see who was trying to get his attention. Jim Beckett stood with a pleased expression that likely mirrored his own as he too watched Kate.

"It's good to have her back," the older man observed.

Castle snorted before responding, "That's such an understatement, I can't even come up with an appropriate hyperbole to put it in perspective."

Jim chuckled at his assessment. "You always have had a way with words."

Castle paused, not sure where this conversation was headed. He and Kate's father hand gotten together a few times during her time away, mostly on nights when Castle needed someone to keep him from drinking himself into a hospital bed and Jim needed the same. But this talk felt... different.

Hoping to assure the man of whatever 'intentions' questions he might have, Castle immediately said, "I know I don't deserve her. I know that. But I will spend every ounce of my existence trying to make her as happy as she makes me."

Jim observed, "I know, son. I know you will. And I believe she will do the same for you, if you let her."

Castle nodded, hearing the embedded wisdom. He had spent so long laboring under a weight of guilt, it sometimes still felt wrong to enjoy her love. She had given up so much for him, so much he could never repay.

"Actually, what I was going to say was, did you know that she was a fan of yours before you two even met?"

Castle nodded. "I knew. She's dropped a few hints over the years, and I saw her book collection a couple of times when I was at her apartment."

"Did you know she read your books after Johanna died?"

The question hit him like a physical blow. Johanna Beckett's murder had permeated his existence for so long, just as it had Kate's, and hearing her death mentioned so casually was startling.

"No, I... I didn't know that."

He tried to picture a teenage Kate Beckett, even younger then than his daughter's current age, struggling with her mom's murder, tucked up in a corner somewhere reading one of his books. He wondered how she could stand it, to read about murder when it had happened to someone so close to her.

"I think she needed to know that not all mysteries are left unsolved," Jim continued, as if reading his mind. "And you were able to give her the one thing she needed most back then - justice. I really think your books saved her life. And because she saved mine, I guess we both owe you a lot."

Across the room, Kate looked over at him, still smiling politely from some comment Malcolm had made. They locked eyes and her face fell as she noticed the sadness in his eyes. Her eyebrows drew up into a silent question, and she looked ready to cross the room to him. Castle made a slight shake of the head, almost imperceptible, and she settled back onto the couch. Before turning back to her conversation, she gave him one more look filled with so much love and comfort that it actually hurt him, deep inside.

"She never told me," he said quietly.

"She probably also never told you that she once waited in line to get your autograph on a book," Jim said with a laugh.

Castle also let out a surprised laugh. "No, she never told me that either."

"I don't remember which book it was, but it was when she was with that FBI guy. I remember him teasing her about it a lot one of the times I met him. She even showed it to me, the book you signed."

"Do you remember what it said, what I signed?" Castle asked, hoping it wasn't crude or thoughtless. He rarely if ever wrote such things, but there were a few drunken book signings in his younger days he was embarrassed to admit he could remember little about. They had mostly occurred after finding out about the infidelity of Alexis' mother or after his split with Gina, but no one had ever accused him of being a saint.

"I don't remember exactly. It was nice but impersonal, I think. The kind of thing I imagine writers sign when they have hundreds of people waiting in line to meet them."

So he and Kate had met long before they'd actually really met. He had seen her face, probably looked into her eyes and heard her tell him her name. How cruel that fate would deny him such a memory, one that she had never even told him about. He wondered how he had acted, if he's flirted with her or merely signed her book, smiled, and looked to the next person in line.

How had she been wearing her hear back then? Was it short and dark like when she first arrested him, or long and wavy the way she wore it now? Surely her eyes would have been the same, and her smile...

Jim Beckett's train of thought had already moved on. "I know you two probably aren't thinking about this right now, or maybe you are, I don't know. But I just want you to know, Rick, whenever you do decide to try and convince her to marry you, you have my blessing. Not that you need it, of course, but you have it."

"Thank you, sir. That means a lot."

Watching Kate from across the room, Castle knew she wasn't ready for that step yet, not when she still insisted on her own mailing address. But soon. Very soon they would be arguing about guest lists and china patterns and cake toppers. Did people still pick out china patterns? And he had a great idea for a cake topper - two little cake people on top of a castle. Or maybe the castle should be the cake... And some time after that, hopefully, if he was lucky and if she felt the same way, they would be going back and forth over baby names and what colors to paint the nursery.

Soon.

Later that night, after all their guests had left and the remains of the party had been tidied up, Castle led Kate into the bedroom. After lighting candles and turning on some music, he undressed her slowly, almost ritualistically, kissing each inch of skin as it was revealed. He kissed every part of her, from her hairline down to her ankles, memorizing every line and hair on her body, taking care with the scars but not ignoring them either. The most recent one on her abdomen, now healed but still pink and tender, he kissed the most tenderly.

He whispered the words, "I love you," over and over again, into her ear, against her stomach, into her skin. He said them reverently, like a prayer, like a penance. Finally, Kate pulled him up to her, and silenced him with her lips. He made love to her, so slowly she begged him to move faster, so gently she could barely stand it. Until finally, she could no longer stand it. And in the midst of it, she said the words back to him, neither quietly nor gently.

* * *

The morning of Kate's return...

_**Publishing party at 8:00 pm. Be fashionably late. Bring a date. **_

_Gina's terse orders arrived on his phone by text message that morning, but they were only a reminder of their conversation earlier in the week. He had no desire to go, but between Gina, Alexis, and even his mother pressuring him to do the publicity, he had no choice. Besides, Tracy had volunteered to go with him, and they always had a decent time making fun of Gina as she flitted about the room, making sure to introduce him to this person or that person. Tracy was a good friend, the kind of person he probably would have had no trouble falling for, before._

_Before Kate._

_Before she'd entered his life, redefining what it meant to actually fall in love. Before she'd left him, giving new understanding to the concept of a broken heart._

_But Kate was dead. She had to be dead. That was the only explanation._

_Castle pushed the thought away and made himself get out of bed. He ignored the compulsion to look at her letter, deciding that he needed to cut back on that. He thought about pouring himself a drink, amused by the idea of getting over his Kate addiction by relying on alcohol, but he dismissed that idea as well. He would not do to Alexis what Jim Beckett had done to Kate, no matter how much he wished he could drown in the bottom of a bottle._

_Barely giving his laptop a second glance, he headed into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. Sometimes, he thought he might actually get through an entire day without thinking about Kate, if it weren't for the fact that coffee always reminded him of her. And if it weren't for the dreams. And the nightmares. And her heartbreaking letter tucked in a book in his office._

_Pain registered, and Castle realized he'd accidentally poured coffee on his hand. The burn wasn't too bad, but it annoyed him that he'd gotten so distracted again. He really needed to get Kate Beckett out of his head if he was going to get on with this life everyone was so determined that he live._

_After washing off the spilled coffee and wiping off the excess from the counter, Castle took his mug and sat down at the table to read the newspaper. International news did not interest him, so he flipped to page six. He had not done anything lately to warrant getting his picture in the paper, but sometimes just happening upon a reporter with a camera was enough. Scanning the photos, he recognized none of the people in them, and he sighed with relief._

_An article in the next section caught his eye. It was a story about the state senator in Albany who had been killed in a hunting accident. However, this article added nothing new beyond the article he had read the week before except that the police were still investigating. What was there to investigate? Either it was an accident or someone had shot the man. Did they not have homicide detectives in Albany?_

_Two cups of coffee and the rest of the newspaper later, Castle was ready to actually begin his day. While Gina would prefer him to spend his time writing, he needed to get out of the loft and get some fresh air, or as fresh of air as he could get in New York City. _

_He ended up spending most of the day at an art museum, just walking from room to room and enjoying the paintings. It was an outing that did not remind him of her and did not bring the pain so many other activities brought. Afterwards, he stopped at a hot dog vendor on the street. There would be food at the party, of course, but for some reason, he was craving hot dogs..._

_By the time he got home again, it was time to dress for the party. Tracy arrived as he was putting on cufflinks and attempting to do the bow tie for his tuxedo._

_"Here, let me help you," she offered in that 'men are so helpless' tone. _

_She really was a good friend. "I wish we didn't have to go tonight," he groused. "I'd rather just stay in and watch movies."_

_"Rick, you promised Gina. And Alexis, as I recall."_

_"I know, I know," he admitted. "I just wish..."_

_He sighed and looked away._

_"We all have things we wish for, Rick," Tracy said softly, and her tone immediately earned her his attention. But before he could ask, she continued, "You know I love you, don't you?"_

_"Of course. I love you too," he said. He loved her the way he loved Ryan and Esposito, the way he loved Lanie even._

_"No, I mean I _love_ you."_

_Her full meaning took a few seconds to hit him. And when it did, he could not control his reaction. He looked away, down at his feet, at the shiny black shoes that perfectly matched his tuxedo._

_"Tracy, I... I don't know what to say."_

_"You don't have to say anything. I know you don't feel the same way."_

_He wished he could feel the same, he really did. Every night was lonely and his bed so empty. Sometimes he longed for just the warmth of a one-night-stand or a casual fling. But none of that felt right, nor did trying to enter into a relationship with Tracy, a woman who really did love him._

_"I'm so sorry," he said. "I wouldn't be any good for you..."_

_"You're still in love with her. I know you are."_

_"I wish I wasn't," he said sadly._

_But Tracy shook her head at him. "No you don't. You wish you were with her, wherever she is."_

_It was the closest anyone had come to saying out loud what he rarely let himself contemplate - joining Kate in death if he couldn't join her in life. He would never do it, of course, not with Alexis to consider. And also because it wasn't who he was. Suicide wouldn't bring Kate back, and it would only hurt those around him._

_"We all have things we wish for," he admitted, repeating her phrase. _

_He wished he had never entered Kate Beckett's life, if only it meant she wasn't dead. He would do that if he could, trade away even the memory of her, if it would put her safe and sound back in her old life._

_Tracy dabbed at her eyes, never having actually let the tears fall. Then she laughed as she grabbed up her purse and pushed him toward the door. "We should get going. Gina's going to kill us if we don't make an appearance."_

_His hand was turning the knob as he remarked, "Yeah, we're already more than fashionably late-"_

_And then Castle realized that it must have all been a dream, the entire day. From the coffee and the newspaper to the art gallery to his conversation with Tracy. Because standing in front of him in his hallway, looking slightly surprised to see him, was Kate. And it had to be a dream, because she was dead. She was dead and buried in some unmarked grave, somewhere he would never be able to find her. _

_It had to be a dream, right? _

_Her name came out of his mouth, like a prayer or possibly a thank you to a higher power. And it wasn't a dream. He knew it wasn't. She was there, standing right there. After so many months, so many days and hours and unbearable minutes... she was right there._

_She had finally come back to him._

* * *

tbc


	12. The Question

**Summary**: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?

**A/N: **Okay, last chapter. I know it's a natural ending point because I've run out of flashbacks. But I do have an epilogue I plan to post after this.

Thank you to everyone who has been generous enough to review and give me their thoughts. I think I warned in chapter 1 that this was an angsty story, and those can be difficult to read, especially when characters on the show are already in angsty positions. So thank you to everyone who's stuck with it and extra special thanks to everyone who has reviewed.

* * *

**Chapter 12: The Question**

_Three months after Kate's return..._

She was tired. More accurately, she was weary, physically exhausted, hungry, and nursing a splitting headache. The investigation was not going well. Each hard-won lead led to nothing but a dead end. Witnesses kept disappearing. Those that they tracked down had no information, and even the body had given her little to go on. Strangled with a common rope, no trace evidence. The MO didn't match anything in the system.

And to make matters worse, she had spent the day alone. Well, not counting Ryan and Esposito, who had done their best to buoy her spirits. But no Castle. He had spent the day at home furiously writing, inspiration finally having hit him. He hadn't even sent her any cutesy little text messages as he normally did when he worked from home. And he did work from home, mostly because while Gates had let him come back to the precinct, she still had a glare ready for him at every turn, and he preferred not to push his luck with the Captain.

The only good part of her day was that it was finally over and she was home.

Home.

When exactly had she started thinking about the loft as 'home'? And when had her apartment suddenly just become 'her apartment,' that place she went to pick up mail, wash her clothes, and occasionally grab a book. However, more and more of her things had migrated to the loft - not only books and clothes, but some of her most precious possessions. A stuffed bear she had held onto since she was five, the one her mother had bought her to comfort her after getting a booster shot. A photo album of her college internship in Russia. The letter from the NYPD brass informing her she had made detective.

Letting herself into the loft, Kate dropped her keys on the table by the door and deposited her coat on the back of one of the kitchen bar stools before heading into Castle's office where she could hear him still typing away.

He looked up as she entered, but his eyes betrayed his distraction. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," she answered. Just being in his presence had magically erased her headache. "How's the writing going?"

"Good," he replied, looking down long enough to type out a couple more words. Glancing back up at her, he emphasized, "Really good."

"So I take it from the fact that I haven't heard from you all day that you figured a way out of that corner you wrote yourself into?"

He nodded, but she could tell he was fighting the urge to let his eyes drift back to the screen of his laptop. This was a Richard Castle she had rarely experienced - feverishly writing down his thoughts and imaginings, almost to the exclusion of those around him. Kate realized that she was probably always at work when he got this way in the past. She had never experienced it from the 'home' side before.

Even though she'd missed talking to him all day, she just flashed him a smile and said, "Go back to writing. I'm going to make dinner."

He nodded enthusiastically at her suggestion of food, but he was already typing again before she had made it out of the office. Shaking her head at him, she headed to the kitchen to see if there were any leftovers in the refrigerator. As long as her day had been, she had no energy for anything requiring more than a simple re-heating.

They had eaten dinner with Alexis and Martha the night before, and Castle had gone all out with spaghetti, fettuccini, and garlic bread. Deciding that Italian comfort food was exactly what she needed after such a long day, she began pulling out bowls and fixing two plates.

Kate noticed that the coffee pot was on and the brewed substance was still fresh – likely made by Castle to help fuel his writing mania despite the late hour – and on a whim, she poured herself a cup. She had slowly acclimated to the smell of it over the last few months, although she had made no real effort to switch back from her now usual tea. But tonight seemed like a good night to give it another shot, and she would need the caffeine if she wanted to stay up late enough to actually spend any time with her writer boyfriend.

As she sat down at the table, Kate glanced towards the door to his study. The click-click-click of his hands on the laptop affirmed that he was still writing, so she ate her dinner alone, refusing to resent Castle's absence. He had struggled with writer's block for so long, this inspiration was a godsend. As well, she worked late often enough at _her_ job that she could not complain. Although, after such a long day, she really just wanted to talk to him, to hear his reassuring words and feel his arms around her.

On top of the investigation, she had endured a grueling session with Dr. Burke that morning. While he had signed off on her psych eval almost immediately, she still met with him for twice weekly sessions. Mostly, they had been dealing with how she felt about solving her mother's murder. Sometimes they would delve into some of the issues that had arisen during her time away, such what they had talked about that morning.

"I still get the nightmares a lot," she had confessed to the therapist. "The ones were he's shot instead of me, and there's nothing I can do to save him."

The dark-skinned man gave her a thoughtful look and asked in his deep, soothing voice, "Why do you suppose you're still getting them now that the man behind everything is dead?"

Kate had shrugged a shoulder and after deep thought had suggested, "Maybe because I'm still afraid I'll lose him." The doctor's eyes asked a silent question, the 'Why?' she had grown so used to. "And I'm afraid I'll lose him because… because of what happened, because of him being shot."

"That was over two years ago, Kate," he pointed out. "Nothing has happened since then."

"Because I've been out of his life," she returned. "What if I'm just bad luck? What if something else happens to him because of me?"

Ever the voice of reason, Dr. Burke pointed out, "You worked together for four years and nothing happened to him."

She did not hesitated to respond, spitting out the words, "_He was shot_."

"Not because of you. Didn't he tell you that he was investigating your mother's murder and that made him a target? That wasn't your fault, Kate. And you don't really believe in bad luck, do you?"

She agreed with everything he said – she did. But beyond reason and rationality, she still had a tight ball of fear in her stomach, the same fear she had carried for the two years she was gone, fear of Richard Castle being hurt again. And fear of her being the cause. She had spent so many nights laying awake, worrying over his safety and her inability to guarantee it, that those feelings had not yet completely left her. She still worried about him, more than was probably healthy.

"I guess if I really believed it, I wouldn't be with him," Kate said. If she truly believed her presence in his life would lead to his death, she would leave him. She would have to, no matter how much pain it caused. And that would destroy both of them. But how could she possibly justify risking his life?

"Have you talked about this with him?"

"A little." She bit her lip and revised, "Not really. He would say there's no reason to worry. And even if there was, that it would be worth the risk."

"Is it? Is it worth the risk?"

She had been struggling with Dr. Burke's question all day. Assuming there really was a risk to Castle's life due to her being with him, would it be worth that risk? She would risk her own life without hesitation. But risking Castle's? Before, there would have been no question – two years of exile attested to that. She would not risk him. But since she had returned, since she had read his book and heard exactly what her absence had done to him, it cast everything into doubt. She had even promised to never willingly leave him again, and that was a vow she took very seriously.

Her thoughts came to a halt as she heard the tapping cease and a moment later spotted Castle emerging from his office. He looked tired but happy, and she could not help but smile at the sight of him. Castle smiled back at her, then looked guilty as he spotted her empty plate. "I missed dinner. I'm sorry," he said.

She stood from her chair and he wrapped his arms around her as she eagerly returned the hug. "Don't worry about it. If you're hungry I can heat up your plate."

He just shook his head. "No, I think I'll eat later."

"So I take it Nikki and Rook are alive and well?" she inquired.

Castle simply shook his head. "Nope. You do not get any spoilers. You can read it when I am done."

"Well where's the benefit of dating a world-famous author if you don't get any spoilers?" Kate teased back.

"Oh, I can show you some benefits," he responded, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Promises, promises..." she said through a grin. Then, changing the subject, she added, "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Sure," he said, leading her to the couch where they could sit together in comfort. "What is it?"

"Last night Alexis and I were talking, and she mentioned wanting to find an apartment rather than stay in the dorms on campus this year."

While Kate was loathe to in any way come in between father and daughter, the young woman had specifically brought this issue to her and having thought about it, she felt more comfortable bringing it up to Castle herself rather than having Alexis ask him.

"Alexis hasn't said anything to me," he responded, looking hurt at having been left out.

"She is going to, but she wanted to talk to me first." Taking a deep breath, Kate plunged forward. "See... I've been thinking about moving in. Here. I mean, I know I stay here most nights anyway, but I mean really move in. Move back in, I guess, full time," she stuttered, feeling a little awkward and embarrased about the admission considering she had pushed so hard for her own apartment only three months earlier.

Castle's anxious expression melted and he assured her, "You know I would love for you to move in."

He had studiously refrained from bringing it up since she had moved out, but she knew he wanted her to live at the loft. He hated it the few nights she slept at her own place, and most of the time he would simply stay there with her so they did not have to be apart.

"Well, that's one of the things Alexis and I talked about. I wanted to make sure it was okay with her, because even though she's at college, this is still her home, and..."

"And she was completely fine with it?" Castle guessed.

"Yes, she was," Kate stated. "In fact, it was after that she mentioned wanting to get her own apartment. And she was thinking - and I told her I'd bring the idea to you - that because the lease on my apartment is for a full year..."

He began to nod in understanding. "She wants to move into your apartment after you move in here," he surmised.

"Yes. She would be further away from campus, but my apartment is in a good area."

Kate knew how Castle felt about Alexis living on her own. He knew that time would be coming eventually, but he still preferred to think of her in the relative safety of the campus dorms. But she also knew that he had checked out all the apartment listings he had given her to ensure they seemed like safe places to live. He listened to her proposal, or rather, Alexis' proposal, and considered it carefully.

"I think... that might not be a bad idea," he said finally. Then he asked, "You aren't just moving in so Alexis can have an apartment, are you?"

Shaking her head, Kate answered, "While I liked having that independence and self sufficiency... that was never my home. This has been my home. With you."

To emphasize her words, she leaned forward and kissed him.

"I love you, Kate," Castle said once they had parted. "_You_ are my home."

She kissed him again, more deeply this time, and then she moved her lips to his ears before asking in a low, husky voice, "Do you love me enough to tell me what's going on with Nikki and Rook?"

Answering her with a laugh, Castle responded, "Nice try, but no spoilers. You can read it when I'm finished."

"But you let Alexis read your chapters," Kate pouted.

"Because Alexis isn't the basis of the main character."

"That doesn't make any sense. If I'm the muse, then why can't I read it?"

Answering her firmly, Castle said, "Because I don't want your reactions to color the story as it goes. Plus, I know how you are. If you read what I have so far, you'll end up pestering me for more chapters even worse than Gina, and I'd rather not have that because I can hide from Gina, but not from you."

She pursed her lips in dissatisfaction, but nodded her head in acceptance. "That make sense," she said. "Just don't keep me waiting too long."

"Do I ever?"

* * *

Later that night, after they had crawled into bed and Kate had fallen asleep, Castle stayed awake so he could watch her for a few minutes. She had caught him doing it once, watching her sleep, and informed him playfully that it was weird. But he still did it anyway. He mentally justified that if she could watch him through his windows while she was away, he could watch her sleep as much as he wanted. Besides, she looked beautiful in slumber. Of course, she was always beautiful, but especially so when her eyes were closed and her features relaxed. She looked so unguarded and almost childlike.

Kate was moving in. Soon, she would be sleeping in his bed every night, without even the occasional trip to her apartment. And beyond getting to have her around that extra amount, what touched him the most was that it was _her_ choice. She wanted to move in with him, to completely comingle their lives.

He thought about Alexis and the proposal for her to move into Kate's apartment until the lease ran out. While he disliked the idea of his daughter living on her own in the city and not being on campus, he knew she needed to take that next step to independent living some time. Her going to college had been difficult, even if it was in the same city. This step would be difficult too. But at least he knew Kate's apartment was fairly safe, and if nothing else, it was close to the police precinct so if anything happened, help would be just around the corner.

Kate moaned quietly in her sleep, drawing Castle's attention. He waited to see if it was a nightmare - she still had those frequently - but she did not thrash around as she normally did with nightmares. Instead, she gripped part of the sheet tightly in her fist as her brow furrowed deeply. She spoke under her breath, something unintelligible, and Castle waited to see if he should wake her. Sometimes the dreams passed on their own, letting her get a full night's rest. He hated waking her only to have her unable to get back to sleep.

She moaned again, and this time he could make it out. She said, "Castle."

His heart constricted in his chest. Her nightmares about him were the worst, he knew, even though she refused to tell him about them. Sometimes she would wake up drenched in sweat, screaming his name. Then she would lay for hours, her body curled tightly around his, shaking with fear. He tried to comfort her on those nights, but usually his words of reassurance only made things worse. While she refused to tell him about the dreams, she did assure him that she was talking about them with Dr. Burke.

Tonight, the nightmare did not seem as bad, so he waited, hoping she would slip out of it on her own. Unfortunately, it got worse. She began wimpering, and he spotted a tear leave one of her eyes and roll down her cheek as her face contorted in agony. She said his name again, and the pain in her voice nearly ripped him apart. It was too much. He couldn't sit by and watch as she endured whatever hell her subconscious mind had created.

"Kate," he said gently as he ran a hand down her arm. Usually she needed physical touch to bring her out of a nightmare, and he hated shaking her because the sudden movement terrified her. But when she did not respond, he moved his hand to cup the side of her face. "Kate, wake up," he said louder.

"No," she gasped, turning her head away as though to resist him.

"Kate, baby, please wake up. You're having a nightmare."

Finally, _finally_, her eyes opened, and she stared up at him in the dark, her hand still gripping the sheet.

"Castle," she said, and he could not quite identify the tone of her voice. It was somewhere between surprise, fear, and guilt.

"I'm here," he told her, letting his thumb caress her cheek as his hand continued to touch the side of her face. But she flinched as though he'd struck her, and he immediately pulled away from her.

Kate sat up and looked around in obvious confusion and distress. He could tell the moment she realized that it had all been a dream, when she visibly relaxed and let go of the sheet to bury her face in her hands.

"Kate?" he said again, not sure what to do. Her next words surprised him.

"I shot you," she said. "It was me. I shot you."

"No, you didn't..." he began, but she was already speaking again.

"In the dream, I shot you. You were there on that corner, on your way to get coffee, and then there was a gunshot and you were bleeding. And I looked down, and I was holding the gun. I shot you."

"It was just a dream." He reached out a hand, wanting to touch her, to let her know it wasn't real, but she pulled away.

"Why would I dream that?" she demanded. "Why would I dream I shot you?"

"It wasn't you, Kate. You didn't shoot me."

"I know that, but why would I dream it?" More tears now, and she was quaking. "Why would I ever dream of hurting you?"

"Kate-"

"I would never hurt you. Not like that. Not for anything."

"I know, baby," he said. They rarely used pet names, but seeing her in such an emotional state brought it out.

"Then why would I dream it? I've dreamed of you being hurt before, of you being killed. But I _never_ dreamed that I was the one who did it."

"It was just a nightmare, Kate. It doesn't mean anything."

She had begun to hyperventilate, unable to take air in fast enough. "I would never... not ever, Rick... I've made jokes before, but... I would never..."

"I know, I know," he told her. "Kate, please calm down. I know you would never hurt me."

But his statement did not reassure her, as she cried, "Not like that. I wouldn't hurt you like that. I wouldn't..." Tears began streaming down her face, and she fought to breath around her words. "I have hurt you... I have, I know it... I'm so sorry, Rick, but..." She pulled in air, although it did little to help. "I would do it again... if I had to... but I would never physically... physically harm you."

Castle inched closer to her, suddenly realizing what she was saying. She would hurt him again, if she had to, but not physically. What did that mean? She had hurt him before by leaving him, so was she saying she would leave him again? She would leave him if she had to, but not cause him physical pain. Kate's words set something off inside of him, and he grabbed her shoulders in his hands and held onto her tightly.

"You would leave me again? Is that what you're saying?" he demanded, shaking her roughly.

She nodded through her tears before qualifying, "If I thought I was going to get you killed, yes. I would leave."

There were tears in his eyes now, and he stared at her in abject horror. "I would rather you shoot me," Castle declared. "Shoot me straight through the heart, Kate, because I could not take it if you left again. You promised me you wouldn't leave. You promised me."

"Not willingly, Rick. Not willingly."

He could not take it any more, and letting go of her arms, he forcefully pulled her against him. She did not resist, although she did not return the embrace as she continued to cry, per hands pressed against his chest. They sat like that for a long time as she emptied her body of every tear. He held her tightly at first, but gradually loosened his grip as she came down from her emotional state. After a while, he began to run his hand down the back of her head, stroking her hair like he used to do with Alexis when she was young and upset.

When her tears had subsided to sniffles and her sniffles had begun to wane, he said, "Kate, I love you. And no matter what happens, no matter what comes, I want us to face it together."

She did not respond for several minutes. When she did, her voice as hoarse and week. "I went to see Doctor Burke this morning. We were talking about my fear of losing you, of me being the cause of your death. And he asked me if being with you was worth the risk."

Taking a moment to force his voice into a state of tight control, Castle finally managed, "Is it?"

"You are everything to me, Rick. I can't stand the thought of losing you."

"Then you understand, it is the same for me. I have already lost you once, and you know what that did to me." When she did not respond, he added, "I was serious before, Kate. I would rather be shot again than for you to leave again."

She took a deep breath. "I shouldn't be that selfish, not with your life."

"It isn't selfish. And is this all hypothetical, or is there something you aren't telling me?"

"I..." She stopped. "I have this fear that something is going to happen to you. Because of me. I know it isn't rational, but it's there. I have nightmares about it... a lot."

"Oh, Kate..."

He knew she still felt guilty over his shooting, the same way he still felt guilty over her leaving to protect him. The guilt was something they each had struggled with over the ensuing months, and no matter how much one would assure the other, it always hit at the worst times.

"Nothing is going to happen to me. And if anything did, it would not be your fault."

"What if I sleep walk and accidentally shoot you?"

"Then it still wouldn't be your fault, and you don't sleep walk so stop being silly." He kissed her head to emphasize the point.

"Castle, I dreamed that I shot you..."

"And considering what you just told me, it doesn't take a psychologist to figure out why you would have that sort of dream."

Looking down at her face in the darkness, he could see the dark circles under her puffy, red eyes. She had gotten little sleep already and the crying had exhausted her further. Making a command decision, he laid them both down in the bed but kept her wrapped in his arms. Rather than spooning behind her, he pulled her half way onto his body such that her head lay on his chest and their legs tangled together.

Once they had gotten comfortable and the silence stretched out, Kate said quietly, "I won't leave you."

"You said you would if you had to." It was an accusation as well as his greatest fear. "Like you had to leave me before."

"Oh, Castle... "

"I would rather take the risk," he said. "It is worth the risk, Kate."

She paused, and only heartbeats filled the silence. This decision, it could break them. He would not lose her again, not like that. And she could not bear to be a liability on his life.

But in the end, Castle was right. It was worth the risk.

"I won't leave you," she repeated. "I will protect you with everything I am. I would die for you, Castle. But I won't leave you again."

Fear filled him at her words, '_I would die for you_,' but he had to accept that. He would do the same, if it came to that. He could not deny her that feeling, that need.

"Castle..." Kate whispered again, and then she was no longer nestled against him but hovering over him, her mouth finding his in the darkness. She kissed him deeply, their mouths warring, tongues dueling. "I love you," she breathed between kisses, to his neck, his cheek, his chest.

That same need propelled him, and he flipped her onto her back with one swift movement before reclaiming her lips with his. "Say it again," he demanded as his mouth moved to her skin.

"I love you," she repeated. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Kate."

"Make love to me," she requested, arching into him. "Please, Castle."

They moved together with overwhelming desire, with burning need, as if it were the first time. And to him, it felt like a commitment. She had finally committed herself, given a promise - an unconditional promise - to stay with him, no matter what. This thing between them, this love - there had to be a better word for it, something grander or more poetic - it was worth the risk of his life, to her. It was worth the nightmares and the agony of waiting, so painfully long. It was worth everything.

fin


	13. Epilogue: All Our Tomorrows

**A/N: **And this is the end. It's been a fun yet emotional ride and I hope after taking the characters through the ringer that I brought them back to a good place.

* * *

**Epilogue: All Our Tomorrows**

_Four months after Kate's return..._

"That's the last of it," Castle declared as he set down the final box of Alexis' belongings.

For a college student, she had accumulated a surprising amount of stuff in her dorm room. Of course, she still had things in her room at the loft, but the apartment was now going to be her new home. After discussing it with Kate, they had decided to leave most of the larger furniture for Alexis to use. Most of it would not fit in the loft, although the few items Kate was particularly attached to they found a place for anyway.

"Now, you have to promise to call me and check in," he told Alexis.

"Dad, I've been at Columbia for two years. I always check in."

"Yes, but this is different. In the dorms, you had a roommate, other students around. Living on your own, there's no one here to make sure you are okay..."

"I'll be fine," Alexis assured him. "But I promise to call at least every other day."

Kate watched the father-daughter exchange from a few feet away, feeling slightly like an intruder. While she enjoyed feeling like a part of their family, she wanted Castle to maintain the same close relationship with his daughter that he always had. And sometimes, she needed to give them space for that.

"Castle, why don't I meet you down stairs?" Kate said and then turned to Alexis. "And I will see you very soon."

"Thank you, Kate. For everything."

She gave the young woman a hug before exiting the door of her old apartment. In the hallway, Kate paused for a moment to smile to herself before walking to the elevator.

In the months since her return, she and Alexis had enjoyed several long chats together, talking about everything from college to boys to their individual relationships with Castle. Alexis confessed to how much she had resented the detective for not calling her dad after her shooting, not to mention how she had felt when he had been shot. She also spoke about how relieved she'd felt when Kate left. Of course, after a short time, that relief had transformed into not only concern for the detective's safety but also for her father's mental health. Still, Alexis had always been on the same page as Kate - his physical health mattered more.

"That's how I knew you really loved him," the college student had said.

"I do love him. Very much."

_More than life itself_, she added silently.

Alexis went on, "And he loves you."

Kate had nodded in agreement, although it wasn't a question. "You are still the most important person in his life, Alexis. That's never going to change."

She shrugged. "You two are probably going to get married, maybe start a new family..."

Shaking her head, Kate said firmly, "Not a new family, Alexis. Listen..." She looked the younger woman in the eye. "I am so grateful to be part of your family - you, your dad, and Martha. That you have accepted me into your lives, it means so much. And if your dad and I do get married... if we do have kids... that's not something we've talked about, but if we do, they would be part of your family. Our family. Not a new family."

"I know, it's just... I always wanted a brother or sister, you know? But after my dad and Gina got divorced, I never really thought it would happen. And I got used to it just being Dad and me." The red-head paused before asking, "Do you think you want to have kids, Kate?"

The question had been a difficult one for Kate to answer.

"I don't know. Your dad and I have talked a little bit about getting married, but we haven't talked about kids. As for me... I don't know. I guess I stopped thinking about it after my mom died."

She had been thinking about it ever since conversation with Alexis, however, and helping Castle's daughter move into her first apartment had kept the issue at the forefront of her mind. Did she want kids? Maybe it was a moot point. After all, Castle had already raised a daughter. Maybe he would not want to go through it all again.

When Castle arrived in the lobby a few minutes later, Kate smiled at his expression of sadness. She wrapped her arms around him in a comforting hug as he said pitifully, "My little girl is all grown up."

It struck Kate suddenly that she hadn't been there when he took Alexis to college. He had endured that trial alone, although Martha had likely helped him through it. Pushing away the guilt, Kate decided that at least she was here for this parental milestone.

"She will always be your little girl, Castle."

"I know."

Wrapping her hand in his, she walked with him out to the street and down to her parked car. By the time they arrived back at the loft, his spirits were beginning to lift, especially because Alexis had called on their drive home to ask if he remembered which box her chemistry books were packed in. Then a few minutes later, she had called again, this time to ask Kate how to turn the stove on. Kate suspected that the young woman had feigned the need to call (it wasn't a difficult stove and she herself had carried up a box marked 'text books') just to reassure her father that he was still needed.

While Kate stood in the kitchen and made them a pot of coffee - she had become seriously addicted to the substance again - she listened while Castle explained how to use her oven, having cooked with it himself on several occasions. She left him to describe the mechanics as she had actually rarely used the appliance. By the time he was finished, Kate wasn't sure if Alexis was more confused or less on how the thing worked.

"Ah, kids," Castle lamented. "What would they do without their parents?"

His head snapped up a second later as the full implications of his off-hand comment hit him. "Kate, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

But she was already holding up a hand. "No, Castle, it's okay. I know what you meant."

She still missed her mom, of course, but that was a hurt which had finally begun to really heal. After so many years of feeling as though she had let her down and failed to bring her mother justice, Kate was finally at peace with it. All the therapy hadn't hurt either.

"Alexis is very mature and competent person. But she will always need her father."

"I know. I'm just going to miss her. It feels like just yesterday she was running around in diapers." He sighed slightly before turning his eyes to Kate. "You know, we never talked about... kids."

Him bringing the subject up so soon caught Kate off guard. She must have looked startled, because he quickly added, "Not that we have to talk about it right now. I'm just saying... we've never talked about it."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she inquired carefully in return. "I mean, we just dropped Alexis off at her first apartment..."

Castle gazed at her for several seconds before pressing on. "Honestly, Kate, I want whatever you want. Kids, no kids... it's up to you."

"Wow, no pressure," she said quietly as she looked at the floor.

"No pressure at all," Castle responded. "Honestly, I have a daughter. I've had that experience in my life, and it was wonderful, if not a little terrifying at times. But it's not for everyone, I know, and if it's not for you, that's okay with me. That being said, I think you'd make a fantastic mother."

"You really think so?" she asked, more than a little disbelieving.

"Well, you've been giving me advice on Alexis since I met you. You're a mentor to Ryan and Esposito. You're patient, kind, thoughtful-"

"Okay, okay," she interrupted, embarrassed. "Well, it's not something we have to decide right now."

"No," Castle agreed. "We have plenty of time."

* * *

That night, instead of having a nightmare - which were becoming more rare since her dream about shooting Castle - Kate had a good dream, the kind of dream that left her feeling happy and secure when she woke in the morning. In the dream, she was pregnant with Castle's child. He was making her a pancake breakfast while they discussed possible names. But of course, because it was a dream and because it was dream-Castle, all his suggestions were absurd.

"What about Pluto for a boy?"

"We can't name a baby after a planet," she protested.

He instantly responded, "But it's not a planet anymore! Then how about Victoria after Captain Gates."

"Gates hates you," Kate responded.

He laughed at her for rhyming, then pointed out, "But she'd like me more if we named the baby after her."

The suggestions that followed proved just as absurd: Kardashian, after the infamous sisters, Royal, after the dog they had briefly shared custody of, Alexis, after his first daughter, James T. Kirk (but only as a first name), Tom Brokaw, and Random, because wasn't it such a great name?

Kate woke up laughing, which was a nice change. Of course, she had to explain her dream to Castle, who chuckled along with her as they lay in bed together. "Random is a great name," he agreed.

"I like how you wanted to use Alexis again," she said.

"That one went pretty well the first time around." He looked at her for a moment, and asked more seriously, "What about Johanna, after your mom?"

Sucking in a breath at his suggestion, she responded, "Castle, I'm not even pregnant yet."

"Yet? Does that mean you want to have kids?"

"I don't know what it means," she said. "Maybe? Probably? At some point, I think."

He kissed her then, before commenting, "Well, lets get married first, and then we can talk more about kids."

Laughing at him, Kate responded, "Is that another implied proposal, Castle?"

"Do you want me to get down on one knee?" he asked. There was something in his tone, something real. He wasn't joking.

"Are you being serious?" she asked.

"I was serious last time."

The 'last time' was shortly before their first time making love, when he had found her on the couch reading _Heat Lost_ and sentenced her to a lifetime of daily kisses. She had dismissed his words of marriage then, saying something about having a first date first, but now she realized perhaps she shouldn't have.

Her heart racing, Kate stared at him before saying, "We've only been together for four months."

"Plus four years," Castle corrected. "Plus two more years if you count the time we spent apart."

"I don't know what to say."

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you," she responded instantly.

"Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

"You know I do."

Pressing forward, he asked, "Then what are we waiting for?"

What were they waiting for? Or rather, what was _she_ waiting for? Why would she even hesitate? She loved Castle, more than anything. He loved her. His family approved. They'd been living together, so she knew what that was like. She had even admitted to being open to the idea of having kids together.

So why shouldn't they get married?

"Yes." The word came out without her even realizing it. "Yes, I will marry you."

He looked at her, both surprised and slightly suspicious. "Really?" he asked, as though it were too good to be true, as if she would revoke the word with a joke or a laugh.

"Yes, really," Kate assured him. She kissed him for good measure.

"Well then," Castle said a moment later. "I suppose I should go get your ring, then."

He stood up from the bed as Kate stared after him in confusion. He was seriously going to go shop for a ring right now? It was seven o'clock in the morning. But she could hear him fiddling with something in his office, and he returned a minute later holding a small object in his hand. As he climbed back into bed with her, he held it out - a blue velvet box.

She opened the box, and inside was a stunning diamond engagement ring. An engagement ring he'd been holding onto, probably in the safe in his office, for goodness knew how long. How long had he been waiting to ask her?

"When did you buy this?" she asked, stunned.

"About..." Looking down at the ring, Castle's eyes darted back and forth as he attempted to calculate the time. "About a year and a half ago," he said finally.

"You bought this while I was gone?"

"Yes."

Kate could not wrap her brain around that answer. He had bought her an engagement ring, not knowing if she would ever be coming back? "Why... why?"

Castle shrugged. "I saw it and thought of you. I was feeling... hopeful. Very hopeful, I think. Not just that you would come back, but also that you would say 'yes' if I asked you. I've held onto it ever since, just hoping..."

As she listened to him speak and saw the love reflected in his eyes, Kate wondered why she hadn't said yes the first time he had (sort of) asked. She handed him the box and held out her left hand. Understanding her silent request, Castle slipped the ring onto her third finger and in an exaggerated display, kissed her hand. Unsatisfied with his lips on just her hand, Kate pushed him back onto the bed and engaged his mouth with hers.

They spent the rest of the morning in bed.

And the rest of their lives together.


End file.
